.frozen.

i've stayed away. i've kept myself out of the loop, i've stopped checking people's status updates, pictures of their parties, loved ones, babies, weddings, and graduations. i had to stop because i was feeling left behind in life. i was feeling real sorry for myself. i was boycotting celebrations because i was too busy comparing my life to theirs, instead of being truly happy for people. how freaking selfish of me. sorry folks, please forgive me for my self-centeredness. it's not that i don't care. i do care. i care a whole lot, maybe sometimes i care too much. it's kinda like when you're sitting on the bench cheering on your teammates, but you really do wonder deep inside when you'll be called to play in the game. i know, be patient, appreciate the chance to even be on that bench. sometimes i just feel like standing up and leaving. they can manage fine without me and i don't need to keep cheering them on. but something keeps me there, faith and hope tell me not to leave. so i will let them keep me there, just a while longer.

got to keep on keepin on.

.mask.

so this is what it feels like when someone hates your guts.

.pathways.

i didn't get the site i wrote about in the previous post. funny how life goes. not quite the funny ha-ha kind of funny, but more like the funny where you know you can't constructively say any other word kind of funny. since i didn't get it, i may be able to still have a chance at it for the first session, meaning i would forfeit my site in california. maybe it's better that way. gotta just roll with the punches, and try to avoid the ones to the face. life isn't all that bad (my friend). i'm struggling in school, but that's nothing new. i'm just a slow one. takes me a couple of tries to get it right. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger though, right? isn't this the most upbeat entry you've ever read?

.rock.

so i turned in my sites for fieldwork today. as part of the MOT degree, one has to participate in 2 12 week fieldwork experiences. i submitted a request for a mental health hospital in the bay area of san fran, and the second one for a cancer center in tampa. we'll cross our fingers to find out if i got them. the second one is iffy because someone else is gunning for it. the computer makes the final decision. i really hope i get it. it would be such a nice change of pace from the the disappointments that i've been feeling day in and day out. this semester has been so much of a challenge for me. i know school is hard, but i'm so tired of feeling so dumb. i don't want to be dumb, i'll take even average. even at my fieldwork site, my clinical instructor makes me feel so dumb. it just makes me wanna cry. i know life is hard, i know life can suck, but i just need SOMETHING to make my day go just a little bit easier. sometimes i find myself looking at pictures from back home, because my friends are my rock. they help me to believe in myself, and they believe in me when i have given up on myself, as i do time and time again. i'm so tired of writing mundane entries, i want to write about how awesome life is! i want to write about being so giddy it hurts, that i can't wait to wake up in the morning and tell you all the wonderful things that happened today! why can't i have that? i've been running on E for a while now. i can't seem to find the energy or the strength. i'm just so tired. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of trying to smile and act normal, when i know i'm not normal!
maybe i'm the one who belongs in a mental health hospital. maybe it will help me feel normal. who knows.

.ago.

i have a fear of looking up. one day i was at the mall with him, and i was hugging him goodbye. when i looked up, he looked me deep in the eyes, and if i had let him, he would've kissed me. the memory itself makes my chest tighten and my eyes well up. i had love at one point. i lived love. it was real. it was someone and something i could touch, something i could feel. it actually existed, and encompassed all 28 listed descriptions that are in the dictionary. and now, it's been a real long time since i've looked up. i'm still trying to find the courage to believe that i will be met with eyes of love.

...and when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning...-the alchemist

.ohana.

we all want to belong something bigger and greater than what we are. i find that it gives me a sense of meaning and purpose for being created. i recently attended a family reunion for my dad's side. to be more exact, the maternal side of my dad's side. my grandmother had 10 siblings, and each of those siblings had 5 to 6 children, so my father easily had more than 60 cousins. i have 13 1/2 first cousins just on my dad's side. so yeah...lots and lots of relatives, once removed, twice removed, you get the picture. so we met in vegas, and had some events together. and my heart was so torn. i really was happy to see them, but i also had such a wounded heart seeing certain clusters that were close. i never grew up w/ my cousins. it was something i hated missing out on. i wanted to feel like i was a part of them, but i knew i wasn't. it's nothing new, so i don't know why it was something i still struggled with. everything happens for a reason, and i know i've been able to make my own family or my friends have been generous enough to include me as one of their own. so why does it still somewhat empty? i guess it's all part of a transplant's life. i'm still looking for my home. <3