.shiny toes.

thought it out in my head. okay, head home, pick up a book, change into flip flops and go. i felt immediately better the moment i hit the chair and lifted my damaged neglected feet for hannah to inspect. "oh you not here in loooong time." i know, seriously. and she went to work, as i lost myself to the sound of the jets nourishing my feet. it's not just a "girl" thing, it's not about looking good, but feeling so great. funny how the "little things" make all the difference in the world.

it helps to remember moments like that when you come home after a long day only to receive a letter addressed to me from Gutters, oh i mean Rutgers, stating outstanding citations, and i don't mean outstanding in a good way, but a holy mother of state schools, you owe us some serious dough. i scanned the bottom of the letter and wouldn't you know it, i have two violations for parking in a no permit zone. one on 4/12 and ten days later on 4/22. 35 bones each. okay, i don't remember seeing any tickets on my windshield, and you know what? i REALLY don't remember if i WAS parked on any of the rutgers campuses those days because it was in...2 FREAKIN THOUSAND AND TWO. yup. 2002 and they're sending me a statement dated may 5, 2008. i even went into my xanga to see what i was doing during that time, and i hadn't even started my first entry yet. i was still living in cherry hill, so um, what was i doing there on a FRIDAY AND A MONDAY? (yes, i looked it up). oh believe me, better i let it out now, because some poor underpaid intern is going to hear an EARFUL from me tomorrow. no way. and i'm usually good for paying my debts and dues. i'm gonna be nancy drew on their ass tomorrow and tell them to freakin prove that it was me.

.crafty.

after work i went into ac moore to pick up some materials for a project i've been wanting to work on for a while now. i remember when i wasn't really employed and michaels and ac moore were nice little dreamlands of distraction. i'm probably the least creative of my friends, but i do enjoy pretending that if i pick up x bead and y string and z embellishment, i could somehow pull together a creation worth marketing. well i was in there for a hella long time, and again, i can't wait until i can retire and make things for fun for the rest of my life. and i'm not going to let the fact that my mom didn't have the time to teach me to do this stuff stop me. so she never showed me how to knit or paint. so what? i'll learn it on my own. that's why they make books, which leads me to destination number dos at the w township public library. i went to pay my dues for keeping these books for way too long and ended up perusing the shelves with all its delightful goodies. more reading, less youtube. more crafting, less myspace. more writing, less time to mourn the aging of my soul and body. how do people manage to get bored? there's just too much in the world to learn, experience, feel, conquer. maybe that's just me, and i've had enough of the whiny part of my self, tugging on my shirt telling me to go and do something.

my friends are progressing in their lives at lightning speed, and although the selfish part of me mourns the loss of our innocent and carefree friendships, i still thank God for the growth i've seen in all of them. thank you for inspiring me to go and make something of myself too.

.connection.

i'm probably the last person anyone will ask about pop culture. i have little to zero knowledge about tv shows or music. the hills, one tree hill, the oc, flava of love, raising lohan, all these are just one in the same. i don't recognize half the people who seem to walk the red carpet these days. sometimes i'm worried that i'm turning into an old fart with zero personality who will have little to talk about. so maybe that was the reason behind my purchase yesterday when i walked out of the store with a blackberry pearl. your guess is as good as mine. i don't really need that much instant access, but i do try to text google a lot for things that i need when i'm on the road. a textbook example of justification. [fifteen minutes goes by]. i am going to return it. i went to the MoMa yesterday with dear jx2 and afterwards, we tried to find places to go to eat. i went on the web, and i wasn't able to load up any pages. it was really bad! i really wasn't impressed. i have to pay 29.99 a month just to keep web and email access. honestly, that's too much on top of the 10 i have to pay for my texting package. that's 40 additional dollars i pay a month just to keep in touch. yeah, cell phone companies have no mercy.

env2 here i come. [sigh].

.deezaster.

this has been the week for mucho mishaps to occur. read if you care, but if you don't, you know what to do.

for starters, i don't know if i ever told you the story about the rock that hit the windshield of my pilot while i was on my way to work. well i had to get my windshield replaced after that. that was about 2 months ago. then this past saturday, i was driving papa dukes car, and wouldn't you know it, a rock flew and hit my windshield. enough that it will have to be replaced. it was like final destination because the rock was eye level. if it was a spear or metal pole, i might be dead, and i wouldn't be surprised that these items would be flying around on route 80 because that highway sucks my left one right now.

so mishap number 2, power went out monday night. thank goodness i had agreed to switch my morning shift with my co-worker for his evening on tuesday, because i would've been half an hour late for work. at the same time, because we switched, it took me an hour and half to get to work in rush hour, so wouldn't you know it, i was STILL half an hour late for work. your guess is as good as mine. big G up there probably got a kick out of that one.

mishap 3: tuesday went to take a "short" nap and alarm never went off. i ended up sleeping for 4 hours in the middle of the day. this threw off my whole cycle and i didn't go to sleep at j's house until 3am. when i woke up at 630am, i was super mess.

mishap 4: hump day. had female issues to deal with. so so so tired and tried to make the best of the day by ordering lunch from chili's. got MADD sick from eating the shrimp caesar salad. yeah, there's a lot of telltale signs in the ingredients alone. i left a miserable mess and instead of helping out with interviews, went home.

mishap 5: because i felt crappy, went to sleep early at 9pm. my body didn't know what to do with so many hours to sleep, so i woke up repeatedly from 1am to 5. dragged ass out of bed and when i was about to leave, i noticed a damp spot on my floor. then when i went to pick up my purse, my heart kind of stopped, because the first item i picked out of it was an empty poland springs bottle, which had been half full, well in my case, half empty, because THIS WAS A SHEETY WEEK! tried not to freak out too much, because it was just water, right? SOAKING MY BAG through and through. hope there wasn't anything important in there like...

mishap 6: tried to dry cellphone which was in the bag. shorted out when i plugged it in the car charger. lost all my pictures, videos and ringtones which i had transferred back to the phone from the micro sd card which had not been behaving. i tried not to cry, although, it really really sucked.

mishap 7: went to jersey gardens with jx2 and tried to purchase a new cell phone. because it's a family plan, only the father may purchase. i felt 12 years old, trying to use my mom's credit card in a store. i had to leave the store empty handed and super annoyed.

mishap 8: check voicemail at 430pm from jx2's phone. yup, the hair appointment i thought was scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8am was...THIS morning at 8am. and i was looking so forward to it. at this point, i couldn't deal with life anymore.

good haps: indian food buffet with m/short work week/saw indiana jones with jx2 and fell back in love with the series all over again/MoMa tomorrow and fleet week in the city/pasalubong from jx2.

looking forward to this weekend. i hope it gets better, although right now i'm really afraid to go outside.

.generation chasm.

not even a gap, more like two different universes with a slight whiff of exchange of particles once in an eclipse. how could we be so physiologically close and yet so emotionally different? how i could i survive 9 months in your womb, and barely survive 5 minutes in the same room? when did my cries become muffled in the noise of your daily life? we never claimed we would be best friends, you never offered to split a necklace with me, and in case you were wondering, i would've offered you the "st ends" side because i know you wouldn't want anyone to think you were being a fri. how could i judge you so harshly? you were too busy working hard to provide food, clothes, school for me, not knowing that meanwhile i rotted away in the inside. how could i ever question your decisions, after all, you tried the best you could and "it's too bad" i didn't get someone "better" to raise me. so here i am now, 28 years later. you told me that i should be taking care of you now, that it's my turn. you did your duty, you did your part. you were just teaching me how to be independent. don't rely on you, you have too much to do. to do for others, because others need you more than i ever needed you. hey shouldn't i be proud i'm so self-sufficient? hell, i could move 997 google map miles away for two years and be completely fine. people look to their own to be a support, a joy, a peace and a happiness and i'm so silly for wishing for such lofty things. how completely naive of me. i really should get my eyes checked, because i have been seeing the world through the wrong lenses. oh no, i'm sorry, you told me to seek professional help. i'll take that as loving motherly advice.

.can it lady.

i seriously wanted to b*tch slap this patient at work who decided it was in her best interest to 1. bring her baby to PT and 2. to think her daughter and relatives would be able to pacify cranky baby who was cutting two molars and just needed to be held by mom. it was nauseating to see this stupid heffer working out while her baby wailed her head off in the clinic. seriously? it wasn't cute crying or sniffles, it was WAILING. in the words of my sbff, "mute that *hit". of course i am way too nice to ever confront anyone, so i "ignored" it, just like everyone else in the clinic, but we were all thinking the same thing! i know i shouldn't be so judgmental seeing as i am not a mother. i know that taking care of a child is difficult, but come on now. get off the exercise bike and take care of your kid who is looking for her mom to love her! RI-DICULOUS.

I realized that all souls have more or less the same battles to fight, but no two souls are exactly the same.--St. Therese

so what are your battles? it's really easy for me to think that everyone around me has it so much better. sometimes i think i have it bad, but then i forget that someone always has it worse than me. and when you break it down, i really feel like all struggles seem to stem from one entity alone: love.
souls are born craving love. if they don't receive that amount that they need, all havoc ensues. evil is the absence of love. misery is the result of a miscommunication of love. we need to love a lot in order to make this world a better place to live in.

From the Gospel today: "This I command you: love one another." --Jn 15:17

.family forest.

nothing reminds me more of my ginormous family than weddings. pam's getting married and so we're driving to michigan to witness the nuptials. pam's dad and my dad are first cousins, and pam's dad has madd siblings. you can see where this starts to get complicated so i'll try my best to keep it clear. so yes, my dad has buttloads of cousins because my grandmother was one of 12 kids or some insane number like that, and lola's siblings all had lots of kids too. there's patches of them in chicago, las vegas and cali. so yeah, i hope to see them at pam's wedding. i will try my best not to feel left out. the proximity of my cousins has allowed them to bond among themselves, and my family has been conveniently isolated in good ol nj. i don't want to be bitter, but sometimes when i'm on my cousin's myspace pages, i can't help but wonder what it would've been like to grow up around family. my guess is that as much as there's always drama associated with family, i don't think i would've felt as lonely. family just means different things to different people. i realize that. i see that first hand, and i'm so grateful for my friends that have adopted me into their own families. it has made all the difference in the world and helped fill a fraction of that void in my heart. due to the world of technology, i've been able to somewhat reconnect with some of my cousins, and i'm truly grateful for that small link we have. i can't change the past, but i can try to embrace the future and consider what choices i have in terms of deciding where my siblings and i will live. it's something important to remember.

.vanity.

i hate running. i do. i hate working out. i find no joy in exerting more energy then is possibly needed. but for the most part, i run because i don't have to think about it, count reps, or switch to a new activity. i run. my trusty ipod and nike+ keep me going and motivated, and i am going to reveal what goes on in my mind when i run.

basically, my playlist is hip-hop and reggae save for ant farm's "smooth criminal". this genre keeps me motivated because i picture myself dancing in a club/lounge and i'm trying to look good. the only thing that keeps me running is pure vanity. today was rough, i ran about 3 3/4 miles, and walked a bit to make it 4. towards the end, i had to make myself angry to keep running, so i started thinking of people and situations that make me angry and dude, next thing you know, i was running because i was fired up. i think i even called myself fat at one point. i know, not exactly the most mentally healthy thing to do, but it pushed me another 500 feet up my hill to my driveway. just as a disclaimer, i don't offer this as advice, i'm just trying to tell you a story. but yeah, thought you would enjoy a glimpse into my world.

.pretty girls need love too.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

...this is the part where the record needle scratches and the song stops. Maria, West Side Story, singing but only singing that she feels that way because of a boy? why can't she just feel that way on her own? but let me not take out my anger on the puerto rican sharks, because i feel her. i get it, or at least i've felt that way. there are beautiful women out there who don't think they're beautiful because they receive little affirmation from the people they secretly want to hear it from the most, and that would be their male counterparts. i'm not talking about the leering, cat calling, hooting and hollering "yo can i get some fries with that shake" kind of gentlemen who don't know any better. i'm talking about a simple compliment like, "you're really pretty." your girl friends can affirm you, your family can affirm you, but bottom line, are you trying to date them? i sure hope not, but who am i to judge? and call me old fashioned, but yes, the men need to step it up! they need to learn how to court a woman, how to treat her with care and respect. and women, you need to stop being so mean to the men. if a guy holds the door for you, say thank you, not "i can do it myself" and roll your eyes at them. you know what you just did? you made him slam that door in my face the next time. we need to go back to the basics. can you believe that there's a genre of men out there participating in a GAME of picking up women? that's just sad, but again, i don't place the blame on the men, it's just an awful generation of broken children not having good role models. the divorce rate is not as high as they usually report, but still, the effects of any divorce are not good.
wow, i really didn't know how i got to this thought, but yeah, the cynic here is trying her best to give the good guys a chance.

and yes, i will sing this song in my head today, sans boy verse, with MINIMAL resentment.

.blower.

living at home as a 28 year old filipina definitely has its numerous trials along with its perks. perks, storage space that allows me to keep more stuff then i could possibly ever need or want such as my notes from anthropology freshman year. why DIDN'T i join in those bonfires? blower, stuff still in boxes from all the moving fiascos. from 1997 to now i have officially moved 19 times. i'm almost a pro at it. perks, rent free. blower, commuting an hour to work, and no cell phone reception. perks, no utilities. blower, sharing space with people you can't kick out. perks, privacy. blower, social whoas. it definitely is not easy to be in the dating scene living at home and not having mobile reception. even with this past weekend, i couldn't get into the city, because i would have to drive an hour and half home afterwards. yeah, not so fun. but i know that this is just a test and only a test of the early mid-life crisis challenge. i'm hanging on by a thread and keeping a mental countdown till i hit the sunshine state. i'm starting a list of tri-state-esque things i'd like to do before i leave, so if you have any other suggestions, please let me know.

1. liberty science center
2. nyc
3. jersey shore
4. chinatown
5. philly

.flattery or confusion.

yesterday i was in jersey gardens with m and we were busy walking and talking about nothing when a guy passing us leans in and goes, "how you doin today?" well something tells me he obviously did not want to know how we were, as we kept on walking "ignoring" him aka continuing to blatantly not acknowledge him in any way form or fashion. i turn to m and i'm seriously just confused at this point. "was that supposed to be some sort of compliment?" really? ehh...no, i'm not okay with that. but whatever, take what you can, right? at least it shows that i'm not as intimidating and unapproachable as i thought. wow, that was a GREAT affirmation yesterday in the most ghetto mall in nj. can't believe i'm leaving this great state.

.take a picture.

my faith tells me that i should smile through my suffering. well then go ahead. stab me in the heart and be done with it so i can wish you good day and go on with what i need to do. the trials and burdens have made me a better person in some respects, and of course there's always a need for improvement, since awesomeness takes some time to perfect. it all takes time.