.stone.

"To live by love is to go through life sowing peace and joy in hearts!"-St. Therese, The Little Flower

i really like this quote. i think a lot about the people that i've encountered, and i can only hope it's been a positive impact. um okay, sorry for the interruption in this blog, but there's an erectile medicine that's covered by medicare. that's what this commercial is telling me. i'm afraid to post the link because last time i talked poorly about something, all of the sudden, i got really random people replying and i don't want the pp police coming after me.

ahem, so anyway, yeah, i'm really grateful for the people in my life. i can only hope that i can do for them what they've done for me.

=*

.smile.

as i walked into the classroom to take my wellness exam, my classmate was walking towards me in order to throw something away. she gave me a look, then said, "oh come on, SMILE!" i sheepishly apologized for some reason. but she made me realize something about myself, gosh, do i look that depressed that people need to remind me to smile? maybe i do need to smile more. so that's what i'm doing for lent among other things. i am going to sacrifice my pride and make it a point to smile, no matter how bad the ish hits the fan. i don't like the pessimistic person that i've become. so i will try. <3

.arms.

It is your arms, Jesus, which are the elevator to carry me to heaven.--St. Therese

aren't hugs just the most awesome things in the world? especially when the arms are connected to someone you love so so very much. it's been a while since i've gotten a good hug. that seems silly, but it's so true! i think i will try to hug more people tomorrow.
=*

.sacrifice.

"I wish to smile, resting on Your Heart and there tell You again and again that I love You, O my Lord." St. Therese, The Little Flower

sacrifice comes from the heart. sacrifice is doing something that is difficult for you to do, but you do it anyway, because you are doing it for love. it took me a lot of years to understand what sacrifice meant. i always thought it was some lofty guilt trip thrown in my face by my parents to make me feel like i was spoiled or taking them for granted. however, i am slowly understanding what they were trying to emphasize.

we sacrificed for you.

isn't that plain as day? it's not to make me feel bad, but because that's what you do when you love someone. you try to forget about your own heart's desire and do what you can for the heart of the one(s) you love, because they need it more than you do. on occasion, i start to get self-absorbed and throw myself a pity party. i'm human, that's fine. but once it starts becoming perpetual, well, that's when i need to take a step back and re-examine my life. i may not smile like i used to, and maybe part of the spark that i used to have is dim, but as long as i keep on serving with a good hearted intention, then i hope and pray it will all be worth it.

in this lenten season, i hope that the next 40 days that you wander will be fruitful upon its completion. i pray you that peace will penetrate your busy heart and mind and bring you back to the home of the heart you long for. <3

.mine.

david haas did it again at church. i know i've mentioned this before, so please excuse the redundancy. i've been so angry this whole week. i struggled with my exams and didn't do as well as i wanted to. i had studied and studied, and it seemed for naught. i felt so alone in everything that i went through and it just seemed like one thing after another was happening to me and only me, like i was being picked on and kicked while i was down, while everyone else around me went unscathed. i was super groggy this morning after sleeping through the first alarm, and grudgingly got myself to the 9am mass. it's like i didn't care, that my heart was that jaded and broken, like what did it matter if i was there or not? He obviously doesn't care about me one bit. And i listened to the readings with a stone cold heart. then we prepared to go up for communion. the notes on the piano started and my heart jumped back to life. this song ALWAYS gets me. what i love is that it's not just me. at the end, you could hear a chorus of sniffles and men and women discreetly wiping their eyes and pretending something was interesting on the ceiling. everyone wants to be wanted and loved, and this morning i didn't feel so alone. <3

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

.low.

i'd like to think that i am pretty low maintenance. i don't shop for fun too often, because shopping makes my head hurt. i had a slitty experience with my fieldwork stuff, and i'm trying to believe that it's all for a reason. i'm trying to go with it, so whatever. but i went shopping and "splurged" on a hoodie from banana. it was one of those things that you put on and you know you need to have it. seeing as those moments are few and far between, i was sold once i saw that it was on sale. i'm a sucker. anyway, i just wanted to try to remember a good memory before i went to bed.

it was wintertime, and my brother and i were playing out in the snow. it was starting to get dark, and after sledding down the steepest hills we could find, and making snowmen, we retired inside. while we were out, my mom had made those cresent rolls with the cocktail hotdogs inside. it was one of those little things that my mom would do when she let herself love us freely. i just wanted to try to remember. <3

.numbers.

the value of my life has been revolving around numbers. i needed a certain grade value to attain a letter score. i needed an accumulation of those points to be high enough to be accepted by a university. i needed my GRE score to be above a certain number. i needed to be a certain weight and accomplish a certain number of things before my nth birthday. today i got a slitty score on my biomechanics exam, and the score on my evaluation and assessment class wasn't so hot either. and are they true indicators of my intelligence? numbers rule my life right now, and it makes me cry every other day, x number of times. i don't know what i'm doing wrong, but i really want to do well. i just don't know how to make that happen, because the numbers keep telling me i'm a real whack job. i hate that numbers rule my happiness, that numbers keep me from smiling, from sleeping at night. i find myself really praying and hoping that i'll see certain numbers, and i try not to count the number of broken pieces of my heart when i get my scores back. i give myself 10 minutes to do this and x number of minutes to study until i get a break. but where does it bring me? i wish the noise could go away, but i would find myself counting the seconds until it ended.

.typo.

friend sent me two texts. the second one displays first, which said, "far".
the first one he sent said, "how fat are you from orlando?"
i'm guessing by the time he realized what he had said, it was too late. that was great.

i am so loved.

.unscathed.

not that anyone was hanging on the edge of their seat but i shall try to recap the past few days from where i left off.
thursday night: yes, i did follow through with the schedule sans the cardio. yikes, that was just too much. but i was proud for staying at school and studying, even though i didn't want to. hehe...

friday: i got my hair cut! 6 inches. i've actually been wanting to cut it for a while. what better way to celebrate friday the 13th then by chopping off the hair. i'm still getting used to it, the hair ties are put away for a while and i'm going to be looking for new hair accessories like headbands and clips to change it up a bit. i still can't believe it, sometimes i unconsciously try to pull it into a ponytail but no go. zumba was fun. i'm glad i got some sort of work out in.

saturday: i definitely did not want to mope around this day, so i cleaned and invited people over for dinner. it turned out really well except for my trip to walmart. it was motherly crowded and this ignorant lady had a CART full of things for the 20 items and less line. everyone was irritated. EVERYONE. stood in line for about 15 minutes or so, probably longer. as i left the store, i was so tempted to turn around and yell "THAT'S NOT 20 ITEMS!". she was lucky she had a baby with her, and that it was valentine's day.
after dinner, 6 of us gals tried to hit the town. it was kinda lame i'm not going to lie. we were also tired. after trying two places, we left by 12. that was enough for me. i was done.

sunday: i woke up at 4 thinking that death was dueling in my stomach. i forced myself to drink some water with baking soda to neutralize the "sour" feeling in my stomach. gah ross. it hurt so bad.

taking a break from studying. i have an exam tomorrow and 2 on wednesday. i'm nervous, but i'm sure it will come together. pray for me! <3

.schedule.

i'm not very good at planning in advance. i feel like i set myself for annoyance if i doesn't come through. like planning outfits, inevitably, it wouldn't fit the weather, or it didn't fit the way i wanted it to, or it was in the wash. but hey, it's always worth a try. let me try for a week and see what kind of goodness came out of it. i'll report tomorrow what kind of success i had at it!

thursday:
class: 8-12
lunch: 12-12:35
class: 1-3
library: 4-5:30
sculpting and abs: 5:30-6:30
cardio if up for it 6:30-7
dinner: 715
shower
read
sleep

okay, whatchu got willis?

.retrointrospective.

i wasn't a mack mommy by any means growing up. i was nerdy and shy and awkward around boys and the first guy to ever express any interest in me was when i was 15. i didn't have a high school or college sweetheart. i was completely CLUELESS when a guy was interested. so i kind of missed out on that innocence of the feeling you had when your friend went up to you and told you that he was interested, and were you interested back? but i witnessed it and was sometimes the go between. i don't know what made me think of that today, maybe it was the spring/summerlike weather we were blessed with. it is my strong opinion with the realization that it's an obvious statement that everyone wants to be loved. i don't care who you are, or how hardcore you may present yourself to be, you want to be loved. you want someone to say that they love you, and that you mean something to them. okay, maybe i need to be specific, you want someone that you love or are highly interested in or attracted to, to tell you that they dig you/love you/admire you/really really like you, whatever level of investment you are at in this stage of your life. i mean, did you ever get ridicuously giddy when you found out the guy you've been crushing on likes you back? it was like you won some kind of lottery. what exactly is that cloud nine phenom? if only that feeling could be reproduced without the threat of rejection or hurt. maybe love is overrated. maybe it's been over dramatized and over produced like those chalky candy hearts and maybe it's high time i open my eyes to what IS. but it still makes me so day dreamy and idealize situations in my head that are so far removed from reality that it would do real well for a creative writing class.

i'm just being silly. okay, back to your regular scheduled programming.

.monuments.

it's starting to get darker later. that's so super exciting to me. it was in the low 70s today and the air felt like spring. i had a dress on for a presentation, and it made me look forward to the weather warming up so i'm not so polar. if only i could get the buildings at school to match my thermostat, then we would be good to go. until then, i am forever bringing something to cover up in because it is absolutely frigid. i have turned to a regular mister rogers, walking to my closet, and deciding which hoodie i should sport for the day, and which tennis shoes to put on. i still need to visit the lighthouse. i don't think you're allowed in it at night, which is kind of a shame. i remember when we could go to the top of the washington monument at night. maybe that's just in my imagination, but i do recall doing that. walking the monuments at night, i never did that enough while i was at gw. i never did take advantage of where i lived, and i'm doing that again now, as i have been to the beach only when guests come into town. so operation lose double face has something to do with that, in that i would really like to be able to put on a bathing suit and enjoy the beach.
so many ideal situations, so little time. <3

.peace.

this morning was a little difficult to wake up to, seeing as i wanted nothing more than to stop J.Lo's crooning at 5:30am on my phone and snuggle in my blanket and go back to sleep. but i got up, showered and layered up in clothes because it was still so frigid. i rushed through making breakfast and couldn't even eat it, because i hadn't washed my spinach throughly enough and it was very grainy/sandy. gross. so i just made my way to mass. i could've spent that time studying for my biomechanics practical, but i just needed that time with Him to calm my mind and heart. it's also nice to hit the "reset" button and start the day with the right intention and purpose. i know daily life is going to be really hard, my practical is a clear sign of that, but all i can do is to keep on trucking with my head held up high, and not comparing or expecting anything for what i do. sorting through the noise, i hope my heart will hear what i need to hear.

.dismay.

i have a love hate relationship with working out. i absolutely hate it with a passion. the only part i enjoy is when it is over. whenever i go running, i can't run on a treadmill because i can't seem to commit to a certain pace. when i run outdoors, i give myself landmarks to run to, and then i psych myself out to run to a further one until i get to where i want to get. i don't really see or feel too many results right now, but i think i need to be patient. realllllly patient. [sigh]. i've also tried to be really good with food. one of my favorite health aids was inspired by my godson and his lovely mother, who introduced me to steaming bags. just put the veggies you want in the bag, add seasoning if you want, and nuke them safely. you don't lose as many nutrients as you would boiling the veggies or the added calories of frying them. i've also tried to incorporate a vegan diet, so i've been trying new foods on the menu drawer, again, introduced to me by godbaby's mama.

speaking of food, yesterday i went to the farmer's market and got mucho beautiful, fresh and inexpensive veggies. i love being able to do this in the middle of "winter". it makes me appreciate living down here. but in the same breath, i wish i could take certain people and food of nj/ny and meld it with my life in florida. that would be divine. i'm sure i've said it time and time again, but i really miss fresh and outstanding asian food. dc/va is a close second, but it just absolutely sucks down here. that's also why i'm trying to do more of my own cooking. it takes more time, but eh, time well spent, if it's for making me more healthy.

i really hope that at the end of the month i can report that these changes have made a difference. i will definitely keep you updated on this journey of operation lose stace's double face.