.faith.

dear Love,

i'm sorry for the loss you suffered today. i'm sorry for the newest addition to the countless numbers that don't believe in you anymore, that have watched as you were mercilessly beaten into an unrecognizable pulp. i'm sorry for your deep wounds, for the games you were forced to play, for the complexity you were drawn into. i'm sorry Love. i'm sorry for the fear that keeps people from knowing the real you, the pure unadulterated version of you. i'm sorry for the self-serving millions out there that use you for their own selfish means and destroy people in the process. if everyone believed in you, this world would be a different place. we would give you first dibs on everything. we would act only in accordance with your lead. we would ensure that you were well taken care of, that everyone had a chance to know you, to invite you into their homes. Love, i may not know the real you, but i hope to know you more and more, and to see you everywhere i go, within every person i encounter. i'm not ready to give up on you, and i hope you don't give up on me.

.tita.

continuing on, i'm that girl, the anniston, the sole single woman in picture perfect, the forever ninang and today, i'm seeing, the poor version of tita virgie of brooklyn. tita virgie is my mother's classmate from nursing school who never got married, has a crashload of money and spends it really well on herself. i'm talking $1500 prada "SLIPPERS [yes house shoes if you may]" kind of well, who buys hermes ties for her boss and just oozes money out of her pores. if only my mother had made her my ninang i would be so ridiculously hooked up. one day i asked my mother why she never got married. my mom replied, "i think she was too picky." now i go through daily rants about how extremely dense guys are, and i don't think i would ever lower my standards, but that scared me for a hot second. i'm sorry, but i don't want to be THAT girl. when i was younger, i was always the one of my friends that wasn't in a relationship. i got all sorts of unsolicited advice about how the right one would come along when i wasn't looking. so i didn't fall into the high school sweetheart saga, and then i gave college a chance. and apparently it was a fat chance at that. and i said to myself, there's still time, no rush, don't get discouraged, the right one will come along. but why couldn't it just be a no-brainer like many of my dear and wonderful friends that seemed to get paired off in a blink of an eye? did i miss the memo? or as my dear logorrheic friend commented, where the heck was the exit? maybe it was a mean jug handle on a highway in jersey. then that means my roots betrayed me. i can't help but be slightly pissed. seriously, why did i end up being that girl? didn't the Big Man read my pathetic journals about what i really wanted? i've probably wanted to settle down since the age of 4. (not be married though, but to already be with the one.)

my mother got married at 29 which was old for her generation, and i know i'm not going to be put out in pasture yet, but it's kinda like my maintenance required light that's been kinda appearing on my dashboard. i looked it up and the manual said that it was just my car's friendly reminder that in about 500 miles i may want to schedule an oil change. it's not urgent, but you may want to keep it in mind. my love life is not urgent, by any means, but i'm getting "friendly" reminders from the heart to pick up the pace a bit. maybe hang up the boxing gloves, dust off the charm a bit and start actually smiling at the opposite gender.

i would start a mutiny, but i love my men in uniform way too much.

.spiraling.

i'm at that age. i'm surrounded by 23, 24 year olds, and they don't ever make me feel old. in fact, many of them don't know how old i really am. but i'm at that age. the age where i should be married off with kids, or at least settled down with someone. you know how i know i'm at that age? i went to go visit a friend from out of town. i met up with him at his wife's cousin's house, and as i was walking up to the house, this guy was standing outside and i couldn't help but check him out. he directed me through the garage and i was introduced to him later. with his young son. doh! gahhh...i'm at that age. where i scan the left hand, where i check to see if he's in the place with someone. logging on to a networking page, only to find out he's married. he's got 2 kids. he lives in a house with a white picket fence and here's a picture of the ring he gave her. am i swimming in an emotional upstream? a sea of weddings, engagement parties, baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties. party of one, or in some cases, ostacy +1, ostacy and guest.

i'm fine, but i'm not.

.stupid.

stupid memories. stupid way the brain works. can't seem to forget the dumb stuff, can't seem to remember the stuff i need. let me let go. let me please empty that part of my brain so i can use it for stuff that will actually let me survive school. let me fill those parts with really good memories. stupid head, stupid heart. when will you ever agree with each other? why do you insist on egging each other on? why do you flood my senses with your mean anecdotes? bullies. sometimes i have mini mental heart attacks. it's kinda like some image, word, song or memory stabs me in the heart and i have to pause for a minute until it goes away. anyone else get this way? amel larrieux's "make me whole" creeped up on my playlist and i froze. i don't think it's going to get any easier now that i've been introduced to the facebook ghost of people past.

grab the paddles...CLEAR!

.bullet.

i bit it. facebook has invaded my life. i blame it on the ever increasing pressure of society to rebel against my old school ways as well as a little mafia-ish kind of banter i had with some of my classmates who refused to share pictures or information with me unless i opened an account. i'm kinda proud though, of how long it took me to finally open one up. it reminds me of how i didn't get a cell phone until fall of 2001. that's when everyone had one. as i moved on to blogspot from xanga, so too, will my life transition from myspace to facebook. so why, right? well last night i finally socialized with my classmates at a cowboys and indians themed birthday party. i was a cowgirl. i want pictures. they will all be on facebook. hehe...so there. it was fun, and i apparently rocked beer pong, although i attribute it to beginner's luck. i know, i've never played before. it was always flip cup. *sigh*. i better get back to work so i can put aside more time for my "new" hobby.

.breakfast.

i learned to eat yogurt on top of my cereal while backpacking in germany. how cool does that sound? this morning i was happily munching away at an ostacy original concotion of kashi, special k, peach soy yogurt with almond milk. i might have just made someone throw up in their mouth a little bit, but hey, i love it so shut up. it made up for oversleeping this morning. yeah, i don't know why but my phone was shut off, not because the battery died, but because it was powered off. and i didn't do such a thing. so my alarm did not go off, and i missed taking out the trash this morning. yes, i should've done it yesterday.

"interesting" happening today. i was handing back papers and tripped over a power cord in front of all my classmates. full on fell on all fours where you scrape your knees kind of fall. the whole room gasped and stopped talking. i stood up thoroughly embarrassed and looked at everyone. they looked at me. knowing i had no more face to save...i raised both arms and declared, "ta da!".

the whole room lost it. i know. only me.

.space.

this was my view on my way to school one morning. i couldn't help but take a picture because it was truly breathtaking. i'm a big nature appreciater, meaning, i'm not necessarily the camper-walk-through-the-grass-barefoot kinda gal, but i LOVE star gazing, moon gazing, sunset gazing, rainbows and such. i think what i love so much about it, is that it helps me feel connected to something greater. it renews my faith, because it makes me think about Him wanting to make us happy, to create something so beautiful that would remind us of Him. whenever i get all granola happy, i think about all the places i still want to see in this world. i don't want to keep on waiting. i want to do it while i'm still healthy and able to carry a 30 pound pack on my bag while trekking up a trail on a mountain in ecuador. i want to appreciate that i still have all my senses, that i can see, hear and feel these things. we just gotta live our lives, and it's unfortunate that we get all sucked into our work worlds that a lot of the time perpetuate monotony. so i will try too, to get out there, to not be afraid to get my hands dirty and to take the time to gaze at the stars a bit more.
go ahead, find Leo's Heart tonight.

.rov.

we must move on, we must continue to love, most especially when we feel unloved. the most powerful weapon each of us has, is love. love transcends all boundaries and defies all limits. it follows no rules, so it is truly unpredictable. people use and abuse love, but love withstands it all. it will always win, and will aways be victorious. isn't that amazing? love will always win. no matter what. love will be my ally in all that i do, once i summon up enough courage to join ranks with her.

.dolly.

taken from : http://www.kgworldbazaar.com/

i was at church this morning, and was thinking of christmas, and how i strongly dislike the season. everything about it, minus the actual birth of Jesus. that's important of course. but yeah, the music, the presents, the lights, the decoration, do NOT send warm fuzzies to my heart.
i confess, i'm a grinch. a full fledged grinch. i'm not proud of it, but at least i'm honest about it. my friends know this about me, and try their best to infuse the spirit in my heart. i love them for embracing me, and being ever so gentle with their approach.

christmas makes me think of my mother, and a story she told me a couple of years ago. my mother grew up in poverty, and it scarred her and broke her. she unfortunately carried that into her married life and it effected how she raised us. she didn't spoil us, because she always wanted us to be grateful for what was given to us, and that we shouldn't ever demand or expect anything in life. one day, when she was 4, she asked my lola for a doll from the market. my lola said no, because there wasn't enough money. but my mother cried and cried and my lola finally said yes to get her to stop crying. so my mother waited excitedly for my lola to come home from the market with her new doll. well, my lola came home from the market, and my mother ran to meet her only to find that...my lola hadn't bought her the doll. 46 years later, she still cried telling me that story. whenever i'm frustrated with her, or think she's just a plain old meanie, i think of this story, and it sets me straight. i know she's a good person deep down inside, but it just isn't easy for her to show it. after all the crap she's been through, i don't blame her. the walls help her cope and continue on.

the thing with all this, is how to see through the pain, to conquer and rise from it. i have awful stressful memories of christmas, but maybe one day i'll be able to heal from them and actually be excited about the 25th of december.

also, the picture you see is what my mother is getting from me for christmas.
if only we could all feel as loved as miss capucine

.you go girl.

source: defenselink.mil

Isn't this neat!?! Yesterday, for the first time in U.S. history, a woman military officer pinned on the rank of four-star general. i was reading about this woman, and at 55, it's awesome to see her where she is, especially when she started out in school where she couldn't attend west point like her father and brother had. and here she is as a 4 star general. amazing. Army Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody is now in charge of the Army Materiel Command that has about 130,000 service members in about 150 locations worldwide. so cool. and she's so freakin funny!
during her speech, as she attributed her sucess to her family and friends, she goes,

“There is no one more surprised than I, except of course my husband. You know what they say -- behind every successful woman, there’s an astonished man."

girl power!

.quiz me.

sometimes i daydream about another life that could've been. all the talents i didn't get a chance to hone, or even untap. i could've been the next greatest filipino-american actress. i used to practice crying on command, but then got discouraged because i had no singing or dancing skills. i think about my regret in not joining crew in college, of not being part of the ski club in middle school. i wonder what my life would've been like had i ended up dorming at blair academy. i wonder sometimes if stopping piano lessons after 7 years was a smart decision, or if i again, blew a chance to do something great with it. i'm not fluent in any other languages, i can't dance, i can't sing, i can't play a musical instrument well, i don't cook extraordinarily well, though i can follow a recipe, i have no eye for interior design, and my favorite outfits consist of teeshirts and jeans. i'm kinda lame, but i hope that the fact that i love people a lot makes up for that.
one of the biggest lessons i have learned in moving down here, is that you can't be afraid to go off the path a bit, and take a leap of faith into something new. i debate leaving every other day, but one day i will be a great occupational therapist and help make this world a better place to live in. then after i make the money i want to, i'll travel the world, with or without that special someone.

who freakin knows? that's actually quite refreshing, to know that you don't know because anything is truly possible.

.playing with fire.

so i was doing some yard work on friday and kneeled down in the grass to pick up something, right on an ant hill. fire ants. omg it was awful. i got attacked around my ankle, on my knee and they crawled up and bit me on my arm and hand as pictured above. itchy and painful. i read up on the symptoms and these bites may not go away for weeks. i still shudder thinking about all those ants.

anyway, no smooth transition here, but happy veteran's day! there was THE hottest guy from the military being interviewed. gah i love a man in uniform.

questions on the brain:
-do guys have meltdowns like girls? like, do guys just cry and cry, or is that a "girl" thing?
-lifealert--ya know, the i've fallen and can't get up system. they have totally updated their look, and can install cameras to monitor the house. if they dectect a burglary they can alert the person who lives there. does that disturb anyone else?
-can you have it all?

.why i do.

i was cleaning out my inbox when i came across a forward from dear bean, and she reintroduced me to this amazing father son duo. i watched the video and was bawling. gosh, if you ever want to see what love looks like, then this is it. if you ever lose faith in men, in husbands and fathers, watch this. if you forget your faith and want to see how much Jesus loves you, it's kinda like this. it was perfect timing with 2 exams, a practical and 2 quizzes looming this week. as nervous i am, it helped reaffirm my passion for why i'm in school, how i want to be an instrument, a voice for those that have no voice. even more than ever, there's this renewed sense of hope among americans, belief that we live in a country that will gives the means to fulfill your dreams, goals and ambitions. i am among them.

.pyro.

i keep backlogging my entries and i totally apologize for that, but sometimes i just don't feel like faking out an entry by not posting it in real time. anyway, happy sunday. friday went out with a some classmates and had some pretty good food. this was my feeble attempt to capture the firepit at Creekside Dinery. a group of us waited hella long just so we could dine outside with the live band and this neato firepit that came equipped with marshmallows and roasting sticks. so cute. and i was all about the wood burning. being outside at about 70 degrees, seafood and wood burning smelled just like the philippines. i actually encounter that a lot when i'm down here. talk to any filipino that's been there and they'll tell you that there are distinct scents which just grab them and take them on a trip down memory lane.
speaking of the motherland, filipinos are taking over:
this was taken at walmart yesterday. yes. walmart. $3.36 does seem a little steep, especially when we can get that same bag for what, like 25 cents? i was completely caught off guard. walmart. 0_O. i have many questions on the brain, like, for one, who physically sat down and said, "you know what walmart in the whitest of white saint augustine needs? mangos from the philippines. tom, get on that." or how they determined the price on these bad boys! and call me somewhat ignorant on the economics issue, but isn't there a certain level of supply and demand? how long have these buddies been sitting on the shelf for? do they go fast? i just don't get it. and yes, the hunt for an indian restaurant continues. so far, i have only succeeded in jacksonville. beeches.

.dido.

i was watching regis and kelly yesterday morning because i was off from school and dido was the performing artist. she was amazing. i wasn't really paying attention to the tv, but then the lyrics started coming through and i stopped and listened because the words started hitting my heart. wow and wow.

click here for the regis and kelly performance

I wanna go to bed
With arms around me
But wake up on my own
Pretend
That I'm still sleeping
Til' you go home

Oh
I can't look at you
This morning
I should probably have a sign
That says
'Leave right now or quicker'
You've overstayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is safe for me
When I don't believe in love
You're too close to me
And that's why
You have to leave

Maybe I slept peaceful
On your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it's different now
It's morning
And I can't face your smile

The second that I feel
Your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You've ovestayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is new for me
Nothing is wrong for me
And nothing is real for me

When I don't believe in love
Why do you care for me?
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is real for me
If I don't believe in love
You're getting to close to me
And that's why you have to leave
And that's why you have to leave

If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love
You're too good for me

.drink it up.

saturday went out with a classmate to a local restaurant and pictured above is her white chocolate martini and my frappatini. this is the most expensive martini i have ever consumed in my life from the Tini Martini Bar. it was even more than a drink in the city, and that's saying a lot. i let the tourist trap take advantage of me, and that's fine, it was more about the atmosphere anyway, and i can now cross this off my list of places to hit. over and done.

i woke up this morning at 730am on the dot. kinda amazing that i didn't even sleep in. i've actually had a lot on my mind. i'm trying to figure out how i feel about a certain situation. it seems that once 2 months hits, i start booking it for the hills. i've never claimed to be good at commitment, nor at maintaining relationships. now that i'm down here for school, that's my priority. *sigh*. this poor guy.

hmmm, maybe the school took my heart along with my tuition.

.brightening.

let me tell you a little something about this picture. the friday after m&g's wedding, i was feeling a bit down because i really missed everybody. so i forced myself to change into an outfit that made me feel happy, put on makeup and actually go out and do some therapy shopping. i realized that if i didn't do that, i would be sitting home in my pajamas miserable. i was still sad, but it didn't sting as much. sometimes it's just the little things that you must do to keep your spirits up and to believe that there is promise in the day. it's amazing to think that people can go days without a single touch of another person. i bumped my chair into a classmate today and put my hand on his shoulder as i apologized. then i consoled another classmate when i patted her in reassurance that even though she was going to be missing the 80 degree weather this weekend, that she would have much more fun in baltimore. as i did this, i realized in renewed amazement how important touch is. gosh, i miss a good hug. so if you're reading this, and you're capable of doing so, hug and kiss all the people that you can. it's such a privilege.

.project.

remember when i posted about strolling the streets after church? yeah, this was part of my view, around sunset. something so truly amazing, and yet something i have to try not to take for granted.

since it's a new month, i think i'm going to try to post more of st. augustine so you have a better visual on what i see on a daily basis. i actually don't have a camera because i've always been lazy and relied on other people to take pictures. since i don't quite have that luxury, my camera phone will have to suffice and so i apologize in advance if the pictures come out lame. i know school consumes my life, but i'd actually like to start a new project of some sorts, and i'm trying to figure out what i'd like to pursue. it would definitely have to be something fun yet productive that makes me feel like i've actually accomplished something. i've been toying with the idea of knitting prayer blankets, but that would involve time to actually sit and knit, which i don't know if i can hack, especially if they have to be done by a certain time. i've thought about baking or cooking more, but that's a bit steep on the wallet, and i'd probably end up eating everything and i'd actually like to avoid that. so i'll think about it more. i've been running more, which is always a positive. who knows, maybe one day i'll start to enjoy exercise. at this point in my life, i've come to understand and believe that anything is truly possible.

.punk.

i punked out yesterday. hardcore. i gave out some candy, and then decided not to go to the halloween party that my classmates were hosting. i just studied with the tv on, and let the time tick away until it was safe to assume that i was not going. i know, lame. well, it's the first of the month, so we'll see what happens. i know it will continue to be crazy, but let's see if i could get myself out there and actually interact with people outside of the school setting. happy november.