i had the most wonderful dream in my daze of 15 hours of bronchitis ridden sleep. i was standing in line to get into a museum or a show of some sorts and a handsome guy and his autistic brother were standing in front of me. and i immediately connected to the autistic brother. his older brother was touched that i was totally okay with his sensory seeking brother. then later in the same dream, i was bonding with a guy's daughter or niece. we ended up cuddling during the show toward the end of the dream. it was telling, as if i will attract my guy through the kindness he sees me exhibit through others. i don't do this consciously. i just try to be a kind person because i think it's the right thing to do. it doesn't hurt if a wonderful guy a consequence of all this service for the greater good though.

.ago.

i have a fear of looking up. one day i was at the mall with him, and i was hugging him goodbye. when i looked up, he looked me deep in the eyes, and if i had let him, he would've kissed me. the memory itself makes my chest tighten and my eyes well up. i had love at one point. i lived love. it was real. it was someone and something i could touch, something i could feel. it actually existed, and encompassed all 28 listed descriptions that are in the dictionary. and now, it's been a real long time since i've looked up. i'm still trying to find the courage to believe that i will be met with eyes of love.

...and when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning...-the alchemist

.trials.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

~Ginny Owens If You Want Me To

.hands.

.view from our condo balcony.

vacay was a necessity that i am glad engulfed two weeks of my life. being in key west for 5 days before going to jersey was one of the best decisions i have ever made. i really needed to unwind from finals before going back to my loved ones and balancing out a hectic schedule in order to see everyone. maybe too, just to mentally prepare myself for whatever i was going to face.

i was in the car with my mom and as i told her a story, without thinking, i put my hand on her hand. i wasn't even aware of it until she pulled her hand away. this small action broke my heart all over again. it hurt, because i had almost forgotten how uncomfortable she is with affection. it hurt because i realized how much i still want it. and it hurt because it brought back a lot of memories of growing up and not fully understanding my mother, and not accepting her for who she is. yes, i took it quite personally, even though i shouldn't have. it's "funny" how a child's heart gets so wounded all too easily, and it's "interesting" to see how it affects how a person grows and thrives in the world.

so how did i become a loving person? the odds tell me i should've either been dead, institutionalized or a drug addict. but somehow, not only am i alive, but i love. i live to love. i understand love. i am surrounded by love. i can identify love. i advocate for love. if love was on trial, i would be testify for its defense, telling the world how important it is, how it's affected others. but...as much as i love, i feel unloved. i know i am loved, but i do not feel loved. perhaps i have difficulty accepting love. maybe that will change, and it is a big prayer of mine. gotta let the love overpower the yuck. gotta let go, gotta believe, gotta trust. <3

.vulnerability.

i had to confess my age to yet another classmate today. most everyone i'm around is in the 22 to 24 age range. luckily they think i am too. sometimes i can't help but be jealous of all the years they still have ahead of them with their impending OT/PT/Dual degrees, while that awful double digit beginning with the number 3 starts to rear its ugly head in my life. i know i know, i wouldn't be where i was had i not gone through the other stuff yadda yadda, but still. i didn't think i would be "that" person i am now. i figured i would find my man during or right after college, spend some time dating while honing the career, then get married and be settled with or without the 2.5 children. by 30. at least that's what happened with a lot of my high school classmates that i caught up with during our 10 year reunion last december. and i seem to be a dying breed among my single girl friends. my wing women have gone up and "nested" with their new loves, while i face the uncertainty of a dating scene that speaks a different language than me, while i fumble with the translation guide.

maybe being typical or boring is starting to become quite okay with me. i'm not interested in being a reckless rockstar, or a free spirited traveler. i think it is just as spectacular to sit in a local coffee shop blogging while helping your husband with the morning crossword. my current place of residence doesn't help either that getting married at 21 is quite normal and my louisiana friend told me that in her hometown, 24 and unmarried is old maid status.

maybe the grass is greener. maybe i need to believe in my self worth without the validation of a man. maybe i need to just be okay with all these feelings and that there is no right or wrong, that there just IS, and it's okay to let people see that vulnerable side of me that cringes when a loved one tries to set me up with a guy, while wondering deep down inside, "maybe it will work out this time."

whatever the case may be, once break starts, i'd actually like to give this all some care and attention. and thanks in advance for being with me through it all. <3

.sucker.

okay, so i don't watch reality tv for the most part, because i'm usually using tv to escape reality. i'm also a bit behind the times and end up watching old reruns of csi las vegas, ny and miami, so i can't contribute to conversations about Lost, Heroes, 24 or The Office. BUT. as i channel surfed during a commerical, i came across the finale for the bachelor. i watched a little bit to get the gist of what was going on, and then switched back again when jason mesnick had turned down molly, and molly's monologue in the car. okay, so at this point, i felt for the girl, and she didn't get all crazy on camera. they pan to jason, and poor thing, he actually feels really bad about what he did to molly. aww cute, tears...then the sobbing. o_O. really? that's...not needed. maybe if his child, or parent or sick cancer ridden dog died, but really? so then melissa comes out, and he finally reveals to her that he's fallen SO in love with her, and that's when i changed it, thinking, okay, yay. LITTLE DID I KNOW! so yesterday, our class had a pizza party (it sounds like we're in 4th grade but i have little energy to explain) and i hear some of my classmates talking about it. well i thought i could put my two cents in when my girl broke it down to me. shocker! it was a lot of me with my jaw dropped with a couple of "no way"s and "shut the front door"s. which got me thinking today,
Jason Mesnick, thank you so very much for perpetuating the fear in a single woman's heart that something IS too good to be true, and that a guy apparently has a 30 day return policy on engagements. thank you so much for parading your son as a litmus for your love life, and i hope you are saving up enough money to send him to therapy one day. or maybe, the two of you could start a running tally of how many psyches you will continue to break down. that would be some great quality bonding with your son who doesn't know WHO to call mommy anymore. you are a true inspiration for all men who were teetering on that line of whether they should commit or not. you grounded them real well, and i'm sure they will feel so much better just staying on that line. that's great. after all, you did show them that they don't ever have to really face any consequences in love, just do what you want to do without concern about how it affects other people. you should be an inspirational speaker. today i do wish you and molly well, but who knows, i may change my mind about that tomorrow.

.tita.

continuing on, i'm that girl, the anniston, the sole single woman in picture perfect, the forever ninang and today, i'm seeing, the poor version of tita virgie of brooklyn. tita virgie is my mother's classmate from nursing school who never got married, has a crashload of money and spends it really well on herself. i'm talking $1500 prada "SLIPPERS [yes house shoes if you may]" kind of well, who buys hermes ties for her boss and just oozes money out of her pores. if only my mother had made her my ninang i would be so ridiculously hooked up. one day i asked my mother why she never got married. my mom replied, "i think she was too picky." now i go through daily rants about how extremely dense guys are, and i don't think i would ever lower my standards, but that scared me for a hot second. i'm sorry, but i don't want to be THAT girl. when i was younger, i was always the one of my friends that wasn't in a relationship. i got all sorts of unsolicited advice about how the right one would come along when i wasn't looking. so i didn't fall into the high school sweetheart saga, and then i gave college a chance. and apparently it was a fat chance at that. and i said to myself, there's still time, no rush, don't get discouraged, the right one will come along. but why couldn't it just be a no-brainer like many of my dear and wonderful friends that seemed to get paired off in a blink of an eye? did i miss the memo? or as my dear logorrheic friend commented, where the heck was the exit? maybe it was a mean jug handle on a highway in jersey. then that means my roots betrayed me. i can't help but be slightly pissed. seriously, why did i end up being that girl? didn't the Big Man read my pathetic journals about what i really wanted? i've probably wanted to settle down since the age of 4. (not be married though, but to already be with the one.)

my mother got married at 29 which was old for her generation, and i know i'm not going to be put out in pasture yet, but it's kinda like my maintenance required light that's been kinda appearing on my dashboard. i looked it up and the manual said that it was just my car's friendly reminder that in about 500 miles i may want to schedule an oil change. it's not urgent, but you may want to keep it in mind. my love life is not urgent, by any means, but i'm getting "friendly" reminders from the heart to pick up the pace a bit. maybe hang up the boxing gloves, dust off the charm a bit and start actually smiling at the opposite gender.

i would start a mutiny, but i love my men in uniform way too much.

.spiraling.

i'm at that age. i'm surrounded by 23, 24 year olds, and they don't ever make me feel old. in fact, many of them don't know how old i really am. but i'm at that age. the age where i should be married off with kids, or at least settled down with someone. you know how i know i'm at that age? i went to go visit a friend from out of town. i met up with him at his wife's cousin's house, and as i was walking up to the house, this guy was standing outside and i couldn't help but check him out. he directed me through the garage and i was introduced to him later. with his young son. doh! gahhh...i'm at that age. where i scan the left hand, where i check to see if he's in the place with someone. logging on to a networking page, only to find out he's married. he's got 2 kids. he lives in a house with a white picket fence and here's a picture of the ring he gave her. am i swimming in an emotional upstream? a sea of weddings, engagement parties, baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties. party of one, or in some cases, ostacy +1, ostacy and guest.

i'm fine, but i'm not.

.drink it up.

saturday went out with a classmate to a local restaurant and pictured above is her white chocolate martini and my frappatini. this is the most expensive martini i have ever consumed in my life from the Tini Martini Bar. it was even more than a drink in the city, and that's saying a lot. i let the tourist trap take advantage of me, and that's fine, it was more about the atmosphere anyway, and i can now cross this off my list of places to hit. over and done.

i woke up this morning at 730am on the dot. kinda amazing that i didn't even sleep in. i've actually had a lot on my mind. i'm trying to figure out how i feel about a certain situation. it seems that once 2 months hits, i start booking it for the hills. i've never claimed to be good at commitment, nor at maintaining relationships. now that i'm down here for school, that's my priority. *sigh*. this poor guy.

hmmm, maybe the school took my heart along with my tuition.

.punk.

i punked out yesterday. hardcore. i gave out some candy, and then decided not to go to the halloween party that my classmates were hosting. i just studied with the tv on, and let the time tick away until it was safe to assume that i was not going. i know, lame. well, it's the first of the month, so we'll see what happens. i know it will continue to be crazy, but let's see if i could get myself out there and actually interact with people outside of the school setting. happy november.

.haunting.

like a plot line from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, i'd like to erase certain memories of certain people. there's one specifically, who seriously pops up at the most random times. there's still something about his name that emits some sort of emotion from me. it's been years, and so why won't he just go away? it's eerie stuff, like about a week ago, his name popped up, and so why then, did i get a text from him that night, after 2 months of no contact? crazy i tell you. so why can't he just go away? i'm almost embarrassed to admit that i still wonder about him, that i still regress to days of our carefree interactions in blissful ignorance. i can vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach, the intense joy of confessing our feelings for each other. i mean, maybe it was just one of those "young" loves, and i don't know about you dear reader, but young love, as reckless and as immature as it was, gosh, wasn't it just so exciting? do we just end up numbing ourselves as we age? as if, we have acquired so many layers of cynical maturity, that we just can't feel as acutely as we did 10, 11 years ago? is this just a silly hypothesis?

i sometimes wonder if i'll ever feel that deeply towards someone again. it's kinda like going on the best attraction at a theme park, and every other ride after that seems sub par. i don't mean to be crude in my analogy or sexual sounding, it's just how i sort my thoughts out. i am trying to be sincere, despite my indifferent facade. i'm trying to be open minded, and not over think, but i just can't help it.

is this it? should i really not expect anymore, and just be content with my life as it is?

.13 going on 30.

i've actually never watched the whole thing. the other day, i caught the end of the movie, and i was left wondering: what is it like to meet the love of your life when you're 13? it just brought me back to my own "childhood". i was an awkward ugly duckling who slowly shed herself of the glasses, braces, overgrown eyebrows and shyness by sophomore year of high school. i had my first kiss at 16, and of course at 29 i think that that is so young, but back then, i thought, "wow, there must be something wrong with me." throughout high school and college, i barely dated. i "missed out" on homecoming dances, football games, library study sessions, study dates, walking around monuments, and just being carefree and young in love. my outlet was writing. i poured all my thoughts out in journals, writing about life, people, faith, and love. conceptual, idealistic, confusing, and intangible aspects of love. in some ways i still do that. i'm still in wonder about it all, this foreign concept that's still dear to my heart. but that's life. we're called to be witnesses to different aspects of it, and the whole relationship arena was never a strong suit of mine. i guess we'll just have to see, right? i look forward to sharing more aspects of my life with you, as i continue on in my journey here in st. augustine. what i would do to transport you all here.

.truth be told.

i find this to be so accurate. hahaha...

.pretty girls need love too.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

...this is the part where the record needle scratches and the song stops. Maria, West Side Story, singing but only singing that she feels that way because of a boy? why can't she just feel that way on her own? but let me not take out my anger on the puerto rican sharks, because i feel her. i get it, or at least i've felt that way. there are beautiful women out there who don't think they're beautiful because they receive little affirmation from the people they secretly want to hear it from the most, and that would be their male counterparts. i'm not talking about the leering, cat calling, hooting and hollering "yo can i get some fries with that shake" kind of gentlemen who don't know any better. i'm talking about a simple compliment like, "you're really pretty." your girl friends can affirm you, your family can affirm you, but bottom line, are you trying to date them? i sure hope not, but who am i to judge? and call me old fashioned, but yes, the men need to step it up! they need to learn how to court a woman, how to treat her with care and respect. and women, you need to stop being so mean to the men. if a guy holds the door for you, say thank you, not "i can do it myself" and roll your eyes at them. you know what you just did? you made him slam that door in my face the next time. we need to go back to the basics. can you believe that there's a genre of men out there participating in a GAME of picking up women? that's just sad, but again, i don't place the blame on the men, it's just an awful generation of broken children not having good role models. the divorce rate is not as high as they usually report, but still, the effects of any divorce are not good.
wow, i really didn't know how i got to this thought, but yeah, the cynic here is trying her best to give the good guys a chance.

and yes, i will sing this song in my head today, sans boy verse, with MINIMAL resentment.

.the present is a gift.

so i watched this, and i thought...gosh, i could've sworn i saw a toni braxton video just like this. and then i got kind of caught up in the time stamps. but i did truly love the message. tomorrow is not really guaranteed. sometimes i wonder when i wake up, is this just one more day that we won't know each other? and i'm wondering if he's okay, wherever he is, if he's even a notion at this point in my life. funny, but people mention that life is easy to live to the fullest even in singlehood. but really, it's just not the same. i get it, the grass is greener. but with all the frustration, all the independence one surrendered upon entering a relationship, all the dramatics and tears, there are few that would trade that for solitude, for being less loved. whatever His plan for me, well, that's TBD and i'm sure whatever it is, He's got a big order to fill. God's probably looking at my prayer for him and thinking, "uh, did i even make anyone like that?"
and that's the thoughts in the head of the practical hopelessly hopeful romantic.

.is it me you're lookin for?.

.belmar bar tour august 4, 2007 , tropical pub?.

5 people you should keep loyal:

1. a seamstress
2. an electrician
3. a mechanic
4. a hair dresser
5. a doctor

my life runs a whole lot smoother because of these 4 (the electrician doesn't really affect me yet).

i was at daily mass and the responsorial psalm was: if today you hear His voice, harden not your heart. then of course my mind started drifting, and of course then i started thinking about what His voice sounds like, because i have personally never heard it before. i would like to think it's a soothing fatherly kind of voice, stern but full of love and compassion, kinda like a gruff lolo.

.ingredients of a man.

somehow, this is the most appropriate picture in the most inappropriate of circumstances, only because i think i made my poor friend pose this way. and that's just how he is. sweet. freakin hot, smart, humble. perhaps completely out of my league, and of course, out of my state.

my best friend introduced me to a guy that she had originally wanted to set me up with, but he's got that sense of humor that is similar to the boy that pulls the girl's hair or torments her, simply because he likes her. so in essence, he's a complete ass to me on the phone. sometimes i put up with, other times i just ignore him, because it kind of hurts. i'm still a person with feelings and real emotions. after the giants won the most wonderful game on earth, i texted him saying that i just witnessed the most beautiful game ever, to which he replied, "your comment just made me want to hit a woman." so i IMed him today, asking what the hell his problem was, and he goes, "i hate the giants" and so on. then i remembered, he hates all nj/ny teams and i hate all his philly/texas teams. which leads me to my original thought:

what are the ingredients of a man?

what will make this man the man for me? in a sense, how different are we allowed to be before it becomes too much? what does he need to have that will make him someone that i truly could grow with on this whacky life journey?

i could never date a guy that....

well there's the obvious. that never brushed his teeth, that was disrespectful to women, that was abusive, that was narrow-minded, that had no sense of humor, that was too damaged to be with anyone else, that didn't listen. again, only obvious in my mind. that's just me.

is it really that difficult? in my mind i don't think it is, but maybe i've been cursed with the fairy-tale hollywood notion of what a man could be. i need the men to prove me wrong. please. just prove me wrong. prove that you're real, that hollywood never made you up, that you're based on a real person, more than one person that's actually available, straight, normal.

please.

.do not laugh.

i am so obsessed with this Japanese show where the team is put in an environment where they can't laugh or else they get a beating. i just watch it over and over again and want so badly to know what they are saying because there are no subtitles. man i wish i knew japanese. it would be a nice asset. maybe i should learn a new language. the only bad thing is that it keeps me up late and then i'm too tired to do anything productive in the morning before i have to go to work. it's a sad sad situation.

last night, i was supposed to meet up with an old co-worker and go for drinks, and yesterday was just such a sh*tty day at work, that i was REALLY looking forward to it. well, at 8:50 when i finally left there, she had texted me to tell me she couldn't make it. what a freakin blower. i thought about who would want to get a drink with me on a monday night at 9pm, but the pickings were slim. man my friends are so responsible, it makes me feel like such a loser. i say this not in a pity me kind of way, but a realistic one. most if not all my friends are in serious relationships, or are married and have kids. this is my reality. don't get me wrong, i LOVE my friends, and i am sooooo blessed beyond belief to have them, but when it comes to things like this, bottom line, we live in different worlds. they can't just leave when they want to, or do things spur of the moment. i called up one of my single girl friends from out of state, and she understood exactly where i was coming from. it's just how it has to be right now. when i texted my friends and told them i was semi-tempted to drink alone, she was also the same one who said she didn't see anything wrong with that. and i wish i had bigger balls to do that. i'm too self-conscious i think. and maybe a bit self-destructive.

gah.