.2009.

i raced through this year that in my mind is divided into 3 semesters of blood, sweat, and many many many tears. i started up the year by cutting into cadavers and starting a workout program after my wellness fitness profile told me i was overweight and borderline obese. gross. eased into a great break in key west and time at home before spending the summer glad to immerse myself into more OT classes than my general science classes. oh and i can't forget the infamous family reunion in vegas. yup. summer break involved surprises and disney and korean spas and loving my friends so much. my fall was full of presentations, a conference in baltimore and fear. am i really taking exit exams in january? the thought still gets me a little nauseous. i can't believe i'm sitting here with a week separating me from here to florida and back to the grind of mock clinic. i really am not ready.

accomplishments? two 5Ks, dropped some pounds, ran my longest distance of 8 miles, learned how to semi drive stick.

2010...praying i do well in mock clinic, pass my exams, rock my 2 internships, graduate, pass my OT boards and score a rockin job! this is my year to shine! who knows, i might even let the heart melt a bit. <3

.thirty.

my best friend turned 30 yesterday and we celebrated by talking for about 5 minutes until she decided to hunt down a smoothie. i never imagined it would be like that, then again, i never imagined me calling her from florida and she answering the phone from her purchased home in pennsylvania. 30. i've known her for over 29 years now. yes, i am dreading it so much i decided to leave the country and celebrate in puerto rico. that and attend a wedding. okay, so i'm going to PR for the wedding, not my birthday which happens to be the day of the wedding. so luckily i will be distracted, and hopefully enough that the 30 won't sting so much whenever i have to declare it. 30. i feel it already, the senses are going, the joints are creaky and the muscles are sore. babysteps to acceptance, i'm getting there. i'm trying to be okay with this journey, trying to unload bags of regret and bitterness so that i'll feel lighter. speaking of which, i thought i was doing well with the working out thing until i weighed myself at the gym and had gained 4 pounds. not so good. anywayyyy, this is my post for july. i will try my best to be grateful for just another day to live instead of mourning the steadily increasing numbers. i will try.

.vulnerability.

i had to confess my age to yet another classmate today. most everyone i'm around is in the 22 to 24 age range. luckily they think i am too. sometimes i can't help but be jealous of all the years they still have ahead of them with their impending OT/PT/Dual degrees, while that awful double digit beginning with the number 3 starts to rear its ugly head in my life. i know i know, i wouldn't be where i was had i not gone through the other stuff yadda yadda, but still. i didn't think i would be "that" person i am now. i figured i would find my man during or right after college, spend some time dating while honing the career, then get married and be settled with or without the 2.5 children. by 30. at least that's what happened with a lot of my high school classmates that i caught up with during our 10 year reunion last december. and i seem to be a dying breed among my single girl friends. my wing women have gone up and "nested" with their new loves, while i face the uncertainty of a dating scene that speaks a different language than me, while i fumble with the translation guide.

maybe being typical or boring is starting to become quite okay with me. i'm not interested in being a reckless rockstar, or a free spirited traveler. i think it is just as spectacular to sit in a local coffee shop blogging while helping your husband with the morning crossword. my current place of residence doesn't help either that getting married at 21 is quite normal and my louisiana friend told me that in her hometown, 24 and unmarried is old maid status.

maybe the grass is greener. maybe i need to believe in my self worth without the validation of a man. maybe i need to just be okay with all these feelings and that there is no right or wrong, that there just IS, and it's okay to let people see that vulnerable side of me that cringes when a loved one tries to set me up with a guy, while wondering deep down inside, "maybe it will work out this time."

whatever the case may be, once break starts, i'd actually like to give this all some care and attention. and thanks in advance for being with me through it all. <3

.crafty.

after work i went into ac moore to pick up some materials for a project i've been wanting to work on for a while now. i remember when i wasn't really employed and michaels and ac moore were nice little dreamlands of distraction. i'm probably the least creative of my friends, but i do enjoy pretending that if i pick up x bead and y string and z embellishment, i could somehow pull together a creation worth marketing. well i was in there for a hella long time, and again, i can't wait until i can retire and make things for fun for the rest of my life. and i'm not going to let the fact that my mom didn't have the time to teach me to do this stuff stop me. so she never showed me how to knit or paint. so what? i'll learn it on my own. that's why they make books, which leads me to destination number dos at the w township public library. i went to pay my dues for keeping these books for way too long and ended up perusing the shelves with all its delightful goodies. more reading, less youtube. more crafting, less myspace. more writing, less time to mourn the aging of my soul and body. how do people manage to get bored? there's just too much in the world to learn, experience, feel, conquer. maybe that's just me, and i've had enough of the whiny part of my self, tugging on my shirt telling me to go and do something.

my friends are progressing in their lives at lightning speed, and although the selfish part of me mourns the loss of our innocent and carefree friendships, i still thank God for the growth i've seen in all of them. thank you for inspiring me to go and make something of myself too.

.baggage.

.nicole & i about to board the ferry from greece to italy. i think. june 25,'01.

one of the greatest gifts that nicole afforded me, was the chance to go backpacking through europe upon graduation, with her best friend and another acquaintance. i will always cherish my 5 weeks in greece, italy, germany, belgium and amsterdam. we really did carry all our stuff around with us. 5 weeks of clothes, a sleeping bag, toiletries, a towel, sneakers, flats and my tevas. some days it didn't seem like much, other days, i was just plain tired of constantly safeguarding my things wherever we went, and would've gladly given it all away. it's surreal, these 7 plus change years reminiscing about past times, about adventure, about living life to its fullest instead of worrying so much, being so particular about life, needing to play it safe when all we needed at the time was to secure a hostel for the country or city we were perusing.

at the clinic today, one of the aides called out sick so i was running around trying to juggle the needs of the patients and the therapists. as i ran over to one of the patients, he looks at me and goes,

"slow down. i am tired just watching you."

there was so much concern and sincerity in his voice. and of course it was all because of my perfectionist tendencies, to please everyone at my own expense. forbid i keep anyone waiting or not be on top of everything. so i stopped, and said, "i know. i can't help it, but thanks."

maybe there's more urgency. it seems that as one ages, we become so much more aware of the fragility of our lives. there's just too much to do, and we're living on borrowed time. when you put things that way, it's a great way to take more chances. who ever knows when they'll be taken away for all eternity. my mom has the right idea. shower, put on clean clothes and makeup, no matter where you are going, or how late you are. i have a notion that my mom attributes my singlehood to a lack in personal care, and not that i'm going around looking like a ragamuffin, but there are times i just don't put too much thought in my appearance. if the clothes are clean or even semi-clean, i've flossed and brushed my teeth, and the eyebrows are not jumanjiesque, that's a personal achievement. wow, maybe my mom does have a point. well then, if it's that important to her, then she can financially invest in allow me to be high maintenance. she can fund manis and pedis, cut color and styling of my hair by a level 8 stylist, and make sure that my bags and shoes always match. to some, this is is just basic care. to me, it's just money i don't have to spend. call me crazy, but i'd like to be able to afford oh i don't know, gas for my car, food for my tummy, plane tickets to interviews and of course, application and transcript fees. luxuries my dear. i don't even use the word enough to spell it comfortably (and yes, i just thought out com-for-ta-bly).

and despite all this talk, incidentally, i'm getting a haircut tomorrow. why am i so nervous about bangs? it's like a bad crush.

.age ain't nothin but a number.

.beautiful giselle & jenny.

this was during a BRIDGES service trip in the hills of La Cuchilla, Dominican Republic May 2004. It seems a pretty long time ago, but the love that i experienced there is just as fresh as yesterday. I was 24 at the time, and unaware that within 3 months of this trip, i would have to undergo back surgery and pull out of the resident teacher program in pg county in maryland, that basically my life's plans would change and i'd have to go back to the drawing board. in this moment of awe of God's creation, i guess it wasn't too important. there in la cuchilla, you just kinda have to go with the flow, not really too focused on the future, but really embracing the present.
looking at the readings today, and realizing that the readings were different, i heard the reading of the wedding feast of cana where Jesus performed His first documented miracle. He was about thirty years old, and i sat there, struck by that. Thirty. and here i am worrying about being 28 and that i've wasted so many years and just trying to get into grad school now. thirty.

on my way to greatness. i'm telling you, Jesus says it's okay, i still got some good years ahead of me, like fine wine baby.

i'm not getting old, i'm getting seasoned.