.who says you can't go home?.

.empire state building.

i'm sure in some way, we are all held in a certain light or esteem. as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a relative, a godmother, employee and student, i am expected to respond in each situation in the appropriate manner. after a harrowing incident with my uncle, and a 14 hour drive home with my parents, i gained a lot of clarity into my life. and i know now, more than ever, that i'll be okay. for so long now, i've always worried about not performing up to someone's standards, but now, it doesn't seem so important. if i did SOME good, it's better than none. if i made one person smile, it's better than making ten cry. if i made one valiant successful attempt despite my 70 mistakes, i'll take it. i'm not perfect, and someone will always find some sort of fault in me. that's okay. i'd rather they criticize me, then let me live my life in total ignorance.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

i just "get it" now.

.trip.

please pray for my parents and me as we drive to chicago tonight to be with my uncle who has a serious illness.

thanks.

.clean up.

i was cleaning and found an old picture of an ex-boyfriend. this was surprising, as our break-up didn't go well and i handed him everything that reminded me of him, pictures included. i guess this one escaped into the archives. i glanced at this picture circa 1998, and although i had every reason to scoff and glare at my ex, instead my eyes wandered to my face. i was actually really happy. it's been said that the more things change, the more things stay the same. i could agree with that, but as i sit here, with only the sound of the keys clicking away, i'm wondering, have i changed? have i stayed the same? on the brink of a new journey as a southerner, i'm currently still the spectator, as i witness friends getting married, friends having babies, friends falling in love...maybe i should fix the order of that, but eh. i do look forward to more fresh and fun updates, not the dragging sound of my heels, not the monotony, but the true happiness in my face to return, and not just the mask that i wear oh so well. yes, i will be that corny ass girl, blogging every second about her freakin awesome boyfriend, about their fun adventures and how class was so freakin hard, but her freakin awesome boyfriend took her out to dinner because he knew she was having a freakin hard day. yeah, watch out world, get your suka buckets ready. yeah.

.rainbow connection.

should it even phase me that my church has decided that the motif this year is the rainbow, and that there are hella rainbow flags hanging and colored cloths emanating from the crucifix? i'm not saying, i just saying. i walked in on sunday and all i could say was, "ohhh." then i looked around and thought in my head, "can i be the only one that sees any kind of humor in this?" it's times like this i wish my sister was around so we could look at each other and try not to burst into a fit of laughter, because i know she would know what i was thinking at that exact moment. like, where there just a bunch of older ladies sitting there ruminating ideas and one of them had the bright idea to decorate with rainbows? did she even KNOW what she was getting herself into? let me just for the record state that i am NOT a bigot, and i am not attacking any group of any sort. i am just saying that the church was more fabulously festive then i think they meant it to be. okay, that's all i'm saying before i get myself in trouble.

.bannies.

my mom never made me an Easter basket. I don't think she understood the concept. I myself don't quite understand either, and would love for someone to explain it to me fully one day. so if i have it somehow right, the easter bunny hides a basket full of candy and you're supposed to find it on easter? i have never looked nor found a basket full of candy, and if i had it wrong for 28 years, then i'm going to need to go back to my old house and demand 8 years of unhunted easter basket hunts. we did do the egg hunt, that much i remember. and we had a basket that you put the eggs in. then my mom would get mad because i never ate the egg yolk. the consistency of the yolk of a hard boiled egg is the grossest thing imaginable in my mind. it's one of the few non-meat items that i refuse to consume. it's chalky and it ruins most great egg salads and i don't care if there are starving people in the world, they can come to my house and have my uneaten egg yolks and consequently suffer high cholesterol. let's just also take a moment to mention that my house currently smells like fried fish and having a room above the kitchen sucks, as my clothes somehow bear the odor of the chosen cuisine for the day. but i digress. no chocolate bunnies, no jelly beans, no plastic eggs with jelly beans, no peeps, no chocolate gold coins, none of that, unless given as gifts from the ginormous white population around us. no, filipinos don't get down that way, they are the ones that you see on the news reports, getting flogged, or nailing themselves to crosses. yeah, the hardcore ones that reenact the Passion, and don't encourage watching tv or listening to music from Good Friday till Sunday. But then how could I watch the Ten Commandments? I'm just saying. Happy Easter. Back to eating seafood, cursing up a storm and wasting time on myspace!

.sit around saturday.

.M givin me a wet willy at the pub in North Brunswick, NJ.

so this is sadly how we would spend our holy saturday nights each year, when M would visit for the holidays. not that we weren't being respectful, it was just really convenient because people would be home for easter. just wanted to establish that. anyway.

.wait a minute mister postman.

i really need to be more on top of catching the mail before my mom does. after all, she was the one to deliver my letter from kean while watching me open it so i could read and tell her that i was rejected . so this morning, i hear her yell (of course she did, why the heck would she waste her breath climbing the stairs?) from downstairs, "hoy estece, you hab a leeter prom n-y-yew". crapola. in my attempt to save any remaining dignity i have left, i told her i would get it later, ya know, when she wasn't around. so it actually looked promising, because it was a nice manila envelope. okayyyy...i'll bite. i open it, and i've actually been wait-listed. not bad. not bad at all. but they're asking for a transcript about an abnormal psych class, which i have already taken and submitted. what is wrong with these people? everything is always an ordeal. bah.

mass was interesting. it's always a different format, and this year the deacons decided that for the mass intentions, we should stand for the first part, then kneel. we did this for 9 separate intercessions. no offense, but we looked silly. what i mean, is that it went like this:

:stand:
deacon cants prayer
:we kneel:
another deacon states the second half
:we stand:
deacon cants the next prayer
:we kneel:
another deacon states the second half of the second prayer
:we stand:
and so on...

yeah, i dunno. i was really distracted and i felt bad for those that don't even really go to church. it kind of reminds me of this comic who felt that catholicism was just one big work out as he stands, then kneels, then stands, then starts doing jumping jacks.

the formalities. i understand, but i do feel like it takes away from the essence of it all.

it's still good though. He's still very good. always.

.anger management.

so i went to a diner w/ a dear friend on tuesday night and it was the regular 11:30pm diner crowd of a younger population that were looking to satisfy late night disco fries cravings. well at one point, and elderly asian couple sits in the booth behind us. that in itself was a little odd, but i didn't really pay them any mind. well they get their food, and it looks like some sort of steak with a side of string beans, again, not a typical meal at such a time of night. at the end of their meal, they have their leftovers wrapped up, and a manager approaches them, having been summoned. trying to use as much of my eavesdropping skills as possible, the woman explains that the food was horrible. the manager is very diplomatic and professional, and patient. i can see that she's trying to get a free meal out of him and he's not buying it. if the food was so bad, he would have gladly replaced it and not charged, but the problem is, they ate it, AND they're taking the leftovers home. he needs to charge them! she's fighting and trying to negotiate. he can offer 10% off, no, not 50%. after this exchange occurs for 15 minutes or so, he walks away. she sits there, and takes the bag of leftovers, and slams it to the floor! THEN, she walks over to it, and CHUCKS IT against the wall. omg, i was ready to call the cops! the guy stands up and sighs, and walks after his wife. the waiter walks over, and pockets the tip, the only thing they have chosen to pay for. not that there were eyes on us after this exchange, but in that moment, i was embarrassed to be asian. that doesn't happen often, but yeah. i was embarrassed.

the elderly are such a delicate and misunderstood population, that don't receive nearly as much attention, care and respect as they should. in my "youth", i volunteered at nursing homes, and one day, i looked at my father and said, "i don't want to ever put you in one of these." as he ages however, and is becoming more and more stubborn and hard-headed, i use it as a threat, as well as the possibility of shipping him to the philippines. the elderly are as needy as babies but with the resiliency of an adult. with that, is the ongoing power struggle and patience that are demanded of working professionals and their friends and family. sometimes it becomes too much and they become alienated and overlooked. it's a sad sad phenom that most of us will be confronted with at some point.

so was i looking at a future glance of my mother and father? perhaps not, but in my deepest and darkest of fears...yes.

.wow and wow.

.st. augustine, florida.

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO THE MASTER OF OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY PROGRAM!

:running man:
:cabbage patch:
:roger rabbit:
:carlton dance:
:hot sundae dance:

speaking of the last item, i totally scored 33/60 on this saved by the bell quiz. how did you dear ones fare? Saved by the Bell Trivia

it just feels awesome. i am truly blessed and so thankful for my friends that encouraged me to persevere through all this. thank you for reminding me that it would all pay off in the end. now to a new beginning!

.tools.

.surprises waiting for me at the hotel in st. augustine, florida.

gosh, the smallest things help me feel happy. when little sister and i arrived at the hotel in st. augustine, the lady at the front desk goes, "oh, we've been expecting you." it wasn't until we entered our room that i knew what she meant, because there was a beautiful basket bouquet of flowers from juniper and bean, as well as a lovely card that dearest L had sent for "guest arriving 3/6/08". i was so so touched and i made sure sister took many a picture.

tools for happiness. just recently, i've been talking to loved ones left and right about people in their lives that have the opportunity to be happy, but they just choose not to be. that could be from being in the wrong relationship, or ignoring advice of those that love them lots, to this, that, and the other. and the advice in my head was simple: we are responsible for our own happiness. it sounds kind of selfish, but what i am getting at, is that we shouldn't rely on other people to make us happy, we should find that happiness ourselves, and within ourselves. i know that if my mom made me breakfast every morning the way she does for my dad, sure, it would make me happy. but if i let that bring my spirit down all the time, then wouldn't i be so miserable? easier to take the approach that i will make my own breakfast, it will be wonderful, and praise God i have the chance to even have breakfast.

but of course on the flip side, i do want to point out how happiness develops in serving the needs of others. the happiness is returned to us tenfold. those small tokens were huge in my eyes. when we think of others, care about others, love others, they are the ones that will lift us up.

yeahhh...

.baggage.

.nicole & i about to board the ferry from greece to italy. i think. june 25,'01.

one of the greatest gifts that nicole afforded me, was the chance to go backpacking through europe upon graduation, with her best friend and another acquaintance. i will always cherish my 5 weeks in greece, italy, germany, belgium and amsterdam. we really did carry all our stuff around with us. 5 weeks of clothes, a sleeping bag, toiletries, a towel, sneakers, flats and my tevas. some days it didn't seem like much, other days, i was just plain tired of constantly safeguarding my things wherever we went, and would've gladly given it all away. it's surreal, these 7 plus change years reminiscing about past times, about adventure, about living life to its fullest instead of worrying so much, being so particular about life, needing to play it safe when all we needed at the time was to secure a hostel for the country or city we were perusing.

at the clinic today, one of the aides called out sick so i was running around trying to juggle the needs of the patients and the therapists. as i ran over to one of the patients, he looks at me and goes,

"slow down. i am tired just watching you."

there was so much concern and sincerity in his voice. and of course it was all because of my perfectionist tendencies, to please everyone at my own expense. forbid i keep anyone waiting or not be on top of everything. so i stopped, and said, "i know. i can't help it, but thanks."

maybe there's more urgency. it seems that as one ages, we become so much more aware of the fragility of our lives. there's just too much to do, and we're living on borrowed time. when you put things that way, it's a great way to take more chances. who ever knows when they'll be taken away for all eternity. my mom has the right idea. shower, put on clean clothes and makeup, no matter where you are going, or how late you are. i have a notion that my mom attributes my singlehood to a lack in personal care, and not that i'm going around looking like a ragamuffin, but there are times i just don't put too much thought in my appearance. if the clothes are clean or even semi-clean, i've flossed and brushed my teeth, and the eyebrows are not jumanjiesque, that's a personal achievement. wow, maybe my mom does have a point. well then, if it's that important to her, then she can financially invest in allow me to be high maintenance. she can fund manis and pedis, cut color and styling of my hair by a level 8 stylist, and make sure that my bags and shoes always match. to some, this is is just basic care. to me, it's just money i don't have to spend. call me crazy, but i'd like to be able to afford oh i don't know, gas for my car, food for my tummy, plane tickets to interviews and of course, application and transcript fees. luxuries my dear. i don't even use the word enough to spell it comfortably (and yes, i just thought out com-for-ta-bly).

and despite all this talk, incidentally, i'm getting a haircut tomorrow. why am i so nervous about bangs? it's like a bad crush.

.therapy.

.i really could use one right now. i miss the philippines.

rejection letters are so humbling. down to two schools. oh well.

.substance.

so in the siliest of sillies, st. augustine asked me to send them a picture of myself. this seemed easy enough, until i realized that i hardly ever do solo shots, and when i do catch myself in a pictorial shoot, it's at some fancy shmancy event, a club, a wedding or a bar. so i started clicking through the pictures, and wow, i was either posing like an idiot, hooched up, drink in hand, looking half naked, or any of those combinations. not a very good representation of a promising candidate to a masters program.

i finally edited and cropped a picture from, strangely enough, the end of the belmar bartour on the beach. yeah, go figure. pictures. oh the memories.

one of the questions that has floated in my head during this whole defense of character aka interviewing and applying, has been the substance of my character. what am i made of? i mean other than sugar and spice and everything nice, but really. what defines me? what are my skills? my strengths, my weaknesses? i'm jill of trades, master of none. i have no artistic eye, i can't sing very well, i need to follow recipes to cook, i need to look at a meal plan guide to figure out what to eat, i definitely have no knack at keeping in shape, unless you count round.
so let's see.
i am good at sleeping, eating foods that are not good for me, drinking coffee, drinking "other beverages", reading, procrastinating, wearing flip flops, driving, multi-tasking, being a therapy rehab aide, putting puzzles together, making messes, and following directions.

hm, yeah.

.chain of events.

so as you dear ones know, my flight was canceled for my interview two weeks ago, and i take this time to fully commit to the notion that everything happens for a reason. so this past thursday, the sister and i flew into jacksonville, got the car rental and drove down to st. augustine without trouble. check-in went rather smoothly, and we explored around, as i tried to imagine myself living there. well friday morning came around and wouldn't you know it, there are 4 people total that have been rescheduled, two from maryland and one from ohio, and me, the jersey girl. starting to get nervous, okay good, i'm not overdressed in my suit and heels. glancing at the name tags, my eyes light up at the sudden realization...i am the only OT candidate here, while the rest are applying to the PT program. oh wow. we start the tour, everyone is really nice, we walk around asking questions while we scope the new new buildings.
"so, how many people were here two weeks ago?" the admissions assistant answers, "oh, about 100." with family and friends, there were about 400 people on campus. holy crow. now i'm feeling like a celebrity because we definitely would have been lost in the shuffle, but now she's got the full on attention of 4 very eager candidates. we finish up with the tour, and go on to the interview process. the 3 PT candidates got interviewed together, while I, had a ONE on ONE interview with an OT faculty member whose specialty is...drumroll: PEDIATRICS. i couldn't be in a better heaven. the interview itself was so casual, as she didn't need to divide her attention or time. i kept silently thanking God for such an easygoing, painless and actually enjoyable interaction.

so you see, there was a better plan for me, even though it didn't seem like it during the time. it's amazing i tell you. updates to follow. happiness to ensue. for sure.

.wowee.

.a not so bad pictorial capture of clay oven restaurant in ledgewood with my cell phone.

a couple of thoughts before i go to indian lunch buffet with le lil sis:

• there is no way to sound cool while talking about world of warcraft with your co-worker on the air tran. there just isn't. being able to spout of the strengths and weaknesses of different avatars does not make me feel attracted to you.
  
  
• i really hate being late for church, not just because i am particular about breaking the filipino stereotype of running late for all events, but that if we're late, we have to sit in the section with the kiddies. after today, i have concluded that super nanny needs to come to my church and sit in the children's section and regulate and "mute that ish" in the wise words of my sbf. i have a certain tolerance for noise, but come on now, if your child sounds loud in the cry room, maybe you need to do some sort of intervention. i don't believe in palo (hitting) but some of these kids could have used a swift smack of the bottom. i'm not saying, i'm just saying, this is why i'm a ninang (Godmother) and nothing more.
  
  
• to the owner of the honda crv with the 'baby on board" sign displayed in back window in the church parking lot: i don't care and you need to take that tacky thing down.

so after a 5 hour delay, we finally took off, prayed that the plane wouldn't get blown away, prayed that the plane would land safely, massaged my hands that were squeezing the armrests during the duration of the descent, and thanked God that our plane had been spared from any horrifics other than the farts of the passenger in front of me sent my way. then we got to take air tran, and ran to our long term parking spot from B21 to B4 and drove the hour drive home.
thanks to daylight savings time, my sister and i crawled into bed at 4am.

.yay. we're home. interview update next post.

.walking on water.

.Sea of Galilee.
November 2008

When it was evening he was there alone.

Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them, walking on the sea.

When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. "It is a ghost," they said, and they cried out in fear.

At once (Jesus) spoke to them, "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid."

Peter said to him in reply, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water."

He said, "Come." Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.

But when he saw how (strong) the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" After they got into the boat, the wind died down. (Mt 14:23-32)

so today's the day. yeah, i'm pretty nervous. the carry-on still sits empty to the side of me. how to fit two day's worth of stuff, i'm sure it will work. i'm giving myself 5 minutes to do this, i'm not even dressed yet. time tables, itineraries, weather reports, reservation numbers, security regulations, should i pack 2 or 3 ___? i'll be fine, right? why should i ever doubt? Why is it easy for me to do so? He's got me, right? right. sink or swim, i'm already in Good hands.

Thanks for all your prayers and support. You are all truly my lifesavers. Get it? what a cheeseball.

.hip, hip hop, hip hop anonymous?.

yeah. ben and me saw this on sunday and we totally wanted it. the only qualm we had was that the music wasn't sung by the original artists because they didn't want to pay royalities or however that works. very similar to kidz bop. ugh. i'm such a sucker for infomercials. my parents are still firm believers in oxyclean. i wanted a magic bullet and for a hot minute there, the girls and i were tempted to nads our legs. my dad went through a qvc/hsn streak and one day we were all gifted with these cheap ass cameras. he had decided the deal was too good to pass up. mine was crap and took blurry pictures. my senior prom pictures were a no go. and yes, i do own the firm, it is a very good program when i decide to do it which is rarely.

grad school update: we've been emailing back and forth. i have to say, the OT department chair is awesome and has been really helpful. it's not closed yet which is promising. i'm looking forward to florida, my sister will be flying with me on thursday and we'll be in st. augustine until saturday. i'm grateful either way to be given a chance to prove myself to the world.

.tea party.

.would you like some more tea in your princess cup? oh YEAH!.
.jun's house, somerset, nj.

i know. there's so much ridiculousness about this picture. so the story behind the story is that on saturday i went to go pick up a couple of grocery items at stop n shop for colleen's birthday party. when i got out, there was a cart that was in the side of my car, because the person next to me didn't have enough some combination of energy/knowhow/common sense/time to push the cart to the cart return that was just steps away. pissed, i saw these two orphans in the basket and you know what? they're mine now. i threw them in my grocery bags and proceeded to talk to no one in the parking lot dripping with sarcasm, "oh that's fine, I'LL just return the carts. NO PROBLEM. ::slamming carts into the cart return:: was that really so hard? really? oh that's fine, i LOVE having dent marks in my car!" so i get back to jun's and i wash them off and have them hanging on both sides of his bamboo plant. it looks comical, because they both look constipated and agitated, and man, look at the package on the guy with the green pants. he could only wish, right? jun's looking at them, like, "um why?" i say, why not? finders keepers. some poor kid is crying his eyes out because mommy whisked him into the car, and i'm sure she had had it up to there and just needed to get out of there. so they were a nice conversation piece for the rest of the night. since elize and pete were over, and kaylen looked slightly unamused, i got to open a princess tea set that never reached its intended receiver. and wa la, hours and hours later, we had the wrestling tea party. entertainment at its finest. God bless my friends, they are hilarious.

.solitude.

.The Ellipse, Washington, DC 5/20/01.

i was cleaning and came across this picture from graduation day at GWU. i'm pretty sure my dad took it, perhaps amused at my annoyance that as it was pouring, i couldn't find my family in the crowd. the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone...whoa whoa whoa whoa...the cheese stands alone. alone. it's quiet right now, family's out and i'm here at the house. it's quiet. i'm alone. i'm used to this. when i was younger, i didn't really have a lot of friends, and honestly i don't know if that was just a filipino thing, because my mom wouldn't let me join girl scouts or play at people's houses or other stuff that kids do from what i gather. sometimes i would play with the kids in my neighborhood until we moved to a more isolated street. so instead, i spent a lot of time writing, reading, thinking, wondering about this world we live in, pondering my future, healing from my past and surviving for the present. was it just me, or did i have a weird childhood? solitude. some days i prefer it, other days i wish it wasn't such a default. another look...man i look pathetic. where the F are you? it's like i'm always searching...maybe i'm just waiting for someone to find me.
secret: i used to make up imaginary friends so i wouldn't feel so lonely.

"Let us love, since that is all our hearts were made for."

St. Therese, The Little Flower