.last.

okay, my last distraction and then time to sleep. sometimes i simply marvel at where i am in my life and who's been and is in it. one of the hardest parts for me is to let go of my past, and to see it as a learning experience and to know that brighter days are ahead. sometimes on especially silent days days of solitude, i can't help but compare it to the countless days it was like that growing up. not really the best memories and i felt so unloved by God. but now i'm able to realize that God has been so good to me by giving me quality and not quantity in my friendships to help make up for being somewhat friendless until i got to high school. it's amazing how alone i felt, and it still makes me kind of sad thinking about it. i'm glad those days are over, and i don't have to worry about those days anymore, that if i ever feel down, i have a really really good group of friends i can turn to. i'm not trying to turn this into a pity party, i think i just want to acknowledge it, get over it, and move on. and not just that, but really appreciate what i have now, to know that i was never promised anything or guaranteed anything. it is i who owe everything in this life to Him. i just want to make Him really proud of me. when i start to feel slighted in this world, lonely, unwanted, forgotten and abandoned, i take a step back. i check myself and get my head straight back on that path. <3
one more final!

.eggs.

one day, my guy best friend and i went through most of a carton of eggs trying to fry the perfect egg. by the perfect egg, i mean trying to duplicate the fried eggs his 3 aunts and parents managed to fry up almost identically. so perfect, we would get to the point that we would just have random cravings for his family's cooking.
well through this process, i realized just how many components are involved in frying an egg to make it the perfect egg. you need the perfect frying pan, the perfect oil, the perfect oil temperature, the perfect spatula, and the perfect execution, down to a certain way you flicked the oil in the pan. and maybe just cooking it with love. it's one of those great memories that reminds me how enriched my life has been and how i've been so blessed to meet and be selflessly included in people's lives and families. completely irreplaceable moments. and i know that there are still so many moments to live and to incorporate in the rich fabric of the memories in my mind, and i am definitely looking forward to them.

.pancakes.

i've been trying to do something that will lift up my spirits each day. lately it's been food related which can be good and bad. well this morning i got up early and went to mass. after, went to walmart and bought some groceries although i couldn't find half sandwich bags anywhere? anyhoo, i got home and whipped up some pancakes from scratch with my ipod player blasting in the background. i dunno if my baking powder was defunct but they looked more like crepes and that's fine by me because they were DELISH! growing up, my mother always made pancakes with bisquik. now i can't stand them. i really can't no offense estelle. that and wonder bread. gross. and quik. yuck.

last night went to orlando and caught a magic v knicks game. it was fun! it was awesome seeing some jersey folk that were visiting and i wanted to go out with them after the game very badly, but i had one of 3 options. one, i could drive the half hour west to the venue and then drive home 2 hours after partying, or i could drive the half hour west, then drive to tampa afterwards, crash and drive the 3 hours home today. OR, i could drive the hour and a half home after the game and not hate myself. i chose the latter. so i missed hanging out with them a bit longer, but i definitely have priorities i need to take care of right now. sadly enough. how responsible i need to be! this week's gonna be mother, so please pray for me! you're lovely as usual.

.letters.

.domo you smart japanese people and your origami.

i had a super difficult evidenced based practice exam today. it took literally over 3 hours and i emailed it 10 minutes late. the sun was setting as i was getting home and that was pretty depressing! i went to get the mail, and yay, a letter from a dear friend arrived. she had warned me that it was "ghetto" because she had to make the envelope, but honestly i thought it made it that much more special. and in case you are wondering, yes, i was able to fold that bad boy back into a heart. it must have some sort of correlation to taking 3 hour exams or maybe it's from all that note folding from back in the day. remember how much fun that was? do teeny boppers still do that? no, probably not. they probably just text, ping, IM or call each other on their iphones. lame! yeah, i'm pretty much dating myself (well what else is new, well you know what i mean) but that was the ultimate jam of communication! and it never had anything important to talk about! and really, the biggest risk is that it would fall into the wrong hands. maybe that was the real thrill of it all. but anyway, this made me smile today and totally brought me back.

.typo.

friend sent me two texts. the second one displays first, which said, "far".
the first one he sent said, "how fat are you from orlando?"
i'm guessing by the time he realized what he had said, it was too late. that was great.

i am so loved.

.hill.

so i skipped sculpting and abs and felt super guilty about it, so i will definitely have to make up for it tomorrow during zumba. and just so i wouldn't feel so bad about skipping, i organized the spare bedroom into an office and made sure i loaded the dishwasher. so yay, i'm typing this from my desk and new office chair i assembled from staples. i just need to buy a desk lamp and maybe put up some shelves or bring in a plant to liven up this room a bit. i have no eye for interior design. i am every HGTV's dream, because i would leave it up to the people to just do it. i've been trying to find some inspiration, on a more economical side. i have found that i am a natural-pottery barn-french country shabby chic style. i am more a fan of the wood then of glass and metal. things can look good, but they have to be really comfy! i think it's interesting to see how my friends have decorated their abodes. i love seeing their personalities come out in their homes.

funny enough, just organizing this room and clearing some "work space" has made me more motivated to sit and study. it's nice to feel somewhat organized. i just need to steer clear of computer distractions, like blogging. haha...but it's different! anyway, i just wanted to report on the happenins. it's not much like the exciting lives of my friends and loved ones, but oh well. it's something.

daily mass at 7am. <3

.sweet.

i just lost my whole post, and it's kind of funny because it had to do with being happy and a lot of questions on the brain. maybe it wasn't meant to be posted, but oh well. maybe if i'm in the mood later, i will retype it. one of the things i was thinking about was how much as of late, i realize how nostalgic i am. i long for situations and people that made me feel at peace, and really happy. i should really follow my own advice and try to make each day better, but sometimes it's just really hard. i've stumbled a lot on this path, but i'll get there. =*

.indeed.

i recently had an exchange with a "friend" that upset my sensitive soul and had me wondering about the type of friend that i am. i randomly texted her and asked forgiveness for not being able to meet up while i was back home in jersey, and honestly, it was a really nice text where i tried to affirm her, that even though i didn't see her, she was still special to me. well i got a not so nice text back where it seemed like she tried to make me feel bad. seriously, what is that? what kind of friend is that? and if you had such a problem with me, then why didn't you approach me about it sooner? i've made my own mistakes in friendship, but the ones that have stayed in my life, God knows that we've learned from each other how to be better people. isn't that what friendship is about? friendship is about lifting each other up, not stomping them to the ground and making them feel like failures for not bending over backwards for them. friendship is character building and unconditional love. that's why some friendships last and some don't. if there is no growth to be had, then the friendship falls away. it's like going through your phone and deleting entries because you really can't remember the last time you talked to that person, and even if you were to call them, would you have anything to talk about? some people just aren't "forever friends", and i need to accept that too, for people that i am no longer close to. maybe my purpose in their life has been fulfilled and they now have other people to minister to them in a capacity that i cannot. and i can't take that personally, that's how life rolls along. i need to trust that God will bring the people i need into my life and that i will take good care of them as well.

not only is january 2009 a time to make resolutions for the whole year, more than ever, i have realized that every day is an opportunity to become a better person, to recognize one's own flaws and faults and improve on them. i may get it wrong every single day, but i need to at least acknowledge if i had tried to get it right.

it's about hope for humanity. there are some really good people out there. we need to give them a bit more credit.

happy birthday MLK. thanks for the lessons.

.fruit.

my beautiful friend nicole had baby number 2 on thursday. i kind of teared up reading and looking at the pictures because i miss her so much and i want so much to be there with her. and i'm so happy for her and she truly glows in her pictures. she's definitely one of my friends that grows more and more beautiful each day. she's also an amazing mother, and it's because she told me one day that she loves being a mother. i think that's really important. if you love what you do, it shows through your actions. some just weren't "made" to be parents, but we're all different and unique, called to serve in many ways. while i was reading her blog, i came across a link she posted for baby gifts. i thought, wow, cute...and then i looked at the owner, and wouldn't you know it, it's nicole's sister-in-law, who i also went to college with. amazing. i love when i stumble across stories of people who are doing what they love. it inspires me to keep on searching for what i love to do and to somehow con someone into paying me to do it. more than anything, it inspires me to keep molding my life into something worth reporting on. although my life feels like it's on hold while i get the school on, there's still much to do. there's so much i still need to live.

catholics have a part of their faith that believes in a purgatory, a prep station so to speak before being able to enter heaven. it's there that any impurities of our bodies are purified by fire. it's there that souls ask for prayers from the living because they cannot pray for themselves to be released. so in a way, we agree to pay their debt. each time you suffer, think of offering it up for someone who cannot speak for themselves. offer it as payment in love. then it doesn't seem so bad.
i'm not trying to push my beliefs on anyone either, i just love sharing my faith. regardless of what you believe, the one truth that ever exists is love. we need to love one another more, and let it spread like wildfire. in which do you gain more? when you love someone who already knows how to love, or when you kill someone with love, breaking down their walls and fears?

we need to keep the love alive.

.the happys.

i'm sorry that i haven't been able to post till now about the awesome m&g wedding, but i finally can breathe since this is the first weekend in 3 weeks that i don't have an impending major exam. let me tell you that it was just a beautiful stressful experience overall. i have a suspicion that the color yellow just puts people in a better mood. from the bridal shower to the wedding, people just were so much happier, and everything was just so so beautiful. it was a just the right fall day to get married in, although this spoiled transplant was freezing her nickels off in the 65 degree weather. it still hasn't hit me that they're married. i don't know when or if it will hit me, since i'm so removed from it all. i'm so super happy for them though. they both deserve it, especially m, who's gone through a lot to make it to this day. just to see her smile the way she was, made all the stuff i had to go through to make it through for this wedding worth it. she's worth it. in the grand scheme of things, my issues were petty. school will always go on, learning will always going on, tests will always be there. a wedding is a one time event, or should be at least. i wish i had had more time to sit with the new mrs. c. gosh, i just really miss her right now. i'm hoping that they had an absolutely beautiful honeymoon.

right now i'm totally wishing i could be spending a lazy saturday afternoon playing wii or doing something fall-esque like pumpkin picking, going on a hay ride, or drinking apple cider with a freshly made donut. i keep telling myself this isn't forever. i just didn't think it would be this hard.

.KIT.

keep in touch. for sure. isn't that why i inhabit this lovely part of cyberspace? well anyway, i'm starting to feel pressure to join facadebook. i figured that the space they said was mine was good enough, but honestly, it takes hella long to load up. i have no idea why, as if there are too many graphics on my page and i'using a 14K modem. oh man, remember those days? waiting an hour to download a wav file of some kai song and hoping that your parents wouldn't interrupt the dial up connection? those kids today, they're so spoiled! they just don't know how good they have it.

but what do i need to keep people up to date with? what could possibly interest
anyone that much about my life? i wake up, pee, wash my hands, shower or don't, change, eat, go to school, go home, study, eat, watch tv, blog, waste time on the internet, text, study, talk to peoples on the phone, floss, brush the teeth, gargle with vanilla mint listerine, change and call it a night.

not much there folks. i have saved the drama for my mama. so that's essentially in a nutshell why i don't need a book account so people can see how much i check them out or whatever it is that i hear you do on that page. i'm not sure if i'm getting at a point per se. i'm just rationalizing it all out. i dunno, i don't care if people know what's going on or not. not like i care either. oh wow, 87642 pictures i missed of your getaway to ::insert vacation spot here with people other than myself::. i'm not saying, i'm just saying. anyway, i'm a hater and i shouldn't knock it till i try it, but for the present moment, no tanks! i will have to be kept in the dark, and i'm okay w/ that.

the one thing i am really happy i never got rid of, is my xanga page. all the entries are private, but one day when i am SUPER bored, i will painstakenly transfer them over here. dated back to 2002, it has helped me figure out when things happen, and actually helped when i had to list my past 7 years of residence for my background check for school. oh that was a major beech. they charged me 12 dollars extra for multiple places of residence.

xanga excerpts from the past 6 years:

Sunday, September 23, 2007 .drip drip drip.
last week i had to go to quest to do a drug test for my new job at ***. so i walk in at 8:30am, completely forgetting that the whole test consists of me peeing in a cup. so i'm TRYING to pee, and it's not enough. so she has me drink water, and after 40 small cups, i'm just full and i cannot pee for a million dollars.

Monday, September 25, 2006 .oh canada.
so i'm a little wired, i've had 4 cups of coffee and i'm trying to flush this pansy accent that somehow infiltrated its way into my jersey steez. freakin canadians, now i sound so apologetic when i talk, like a sing songy. finally back home after a 2 hour delay. another wedding down, 2 more for the year to go. survived the weekend in toronto.

Thursday, September 22, 2005
if you had to step onto a new path, how would you go about it?
a. look for a job where you think you'll go to school
b. look for a job where you think you'd like to live
c. move to where you'd like to go to school and find a job there
d. take the job even though it's not where you want to live or want to pursue schooling, but you figure it's just a stepping stone
e. find a sugar daddy and retire.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
[Blow]
<--what a neat effect. i always wanted to know what i would look like as a cartoon.
[Grinder] Subbing has been fun. i really like my schedule as well as the teachers and the learning disability classes. i don't think i would accept it on a permanent basis. i don't know. maybe i'm afraid to commit.
[Archive] Funny what you write a year ago, even two years ago. Sometimes things don't change as much as you think they do. <-- I'll say!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 LETTER FROM GOD TO WOMEN
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.

Monday, September 23, 2002
everyone now. repeat after me:

i am beautiful.
i am a good person.
God only gives me what I can handle.
God loves me more than i'll ever know.
now take a deep breath.
repeat.
good. don't you feel better now?

.affirmation.

august has been the month of love! it started off with a "housewarming" that turned out to be a surprise party despedida for me. my lovely lovely friends spent a lot of time putting it together, and when i saw everyone in the room, i just started crying, because really, how did i become this blessed? it's amazing when you see a true cluster of some of your dearest friends, smiling with excitement in their eyes, hoping that i was truly surprised, seeing their hard work of dodging questions and lying to me come to fruition. (hehe) then camp. then leading worship with a person who i can consider a friend now, and remembering that as much as i had my gripes, this community lead me to a closer relationship with the Love of my life, and i consider myself lucky. then leaving my job and saying goodbye to everyone and having them wish me well. then a mets game with some of my most favorite people in the world. then spending time with my godson, and having a goodbye lunch with my future personal trainer. then seeing a future mr. and mrs. lead worship, singing songs that brought me back to the first time i walked through the basement doors at st. leo's, all dressed up with my girls. a goodbye blessing, soooo much love in that place! time with my beautiful ate, time with her booger butts, and then off to shop and dude, who doesn't love a fabulous deal! found jcrew italian wool pinstripe pants, originally 135, lovingly purchased for 27.99. they're like butter. that's LOVE.
then dinner with another bunch of my most favorite people in the world. (i know, sounds so redundant, but i absolutely love my friends!) in the history of dinners we have ever had together, this one ranks near the top. great food, great company, great weather, great music. i looked around the table, and i thought how perfectly simple happiness can be. i wanted to encapsulate all of it and just take it with me, so i could always replay the beauty that my senses have been privy to.

when i was at mass yesterday, at some point after communion, it hit me that at this time next sunday, i would be celebrating mass in st. augustine. it was mind boggling, because like most of my friends, i've been in denial about leaving. it really hasn't hit me. not till i'm physically there will it occur to me. the goodbye lunch given by my parents was great. i've been doing a lot of "sitting back and taking it all in" kind of moments, and again did one of those looks of love and joy. after lunch, some left and the rest of us went to starbucks to try to eke out the most of our time together, no one wanting to really part. i didn't mind it at all. besides, it's not a goodbye, it's a see you much later.

i was cleaning out the basement when i got home. this was one of the saddest things i have ever done. most of my life is in that room, scattered, some things in boxes, others destroyed by moisture/mildew and bugs. it's funny. i didn't seem to ever need anything in this room, or else i would've put it in the room upstairs. but now that i see it, i don't want to get rid of it. i'm trying to limit myself to perhaps just one box of momentos, like my old teddy bear, an album here, a ticket stub there, but now that box just doesn't seem proportionate. so that's where i am now, figuring out what i'm taking, what i'm leaving, and what needs to just go in the garbage or given away.

crunch time, here we come. fill that car! fill that car!

.recoup.

so for the past two days i have been sleeping at 7:30pm, having been booted from the family room so mom can watch wheel of fortune, waking up still pretty exhausted at 5:30am. the other night was the headache from hell. headaches are no joke in my family so my mom was kinda concerned. so i passed out for a hot minute. i don't know what it is, but oh well. it really could be my body trying to reset after going through hyperdrive for the past 8 weeks or maybe this hot weather which sucks the life out of me. guess i should get used to that!?! i've also been trying to be really good about what i eat. i haven't touched a cup of coffee since last sunday at m's bridal shower. that's quite a streak! oh and i know i never really talked about my new blender, but i finally made my most favorite concoction which was a strawberry lemonade slushie. it was divine!

this weekend i'm kicking it off with dinner with a.tess and i'm looking forward to that. it's important to be surrounded by strong women. women that will build you up and help you to grow. tomorrow i'll be at the shore for the first time this summer, but still not on the sand, and that's quite alright. it will just be nice to be around my camp fatties. sunday's m & g's housewarming. i feel like i've been warmed up the place enough with my numerous sleepovers, but i love an occasion for us to get together. i can't believe it's the first of august. time is just absolutely flying by, and i'm trying my best to fit in all the jersey stuff. i get kind of teary eyed when i'm around my godson. he's growing way fast and it makes me sad that i won't have the luxury of stopping by after work to just hang out with him and his awesome family.
we take sooooo much for granted. it's easy for us to go through the motions, and we get stuck in ruts and routines, but honestly, nothing is forever. i will turn around and say goodbye to someone at some point for the rest of my life. that will never go away. and it will never be easy. once again, we must live our lives to the absolute fullest.
"Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours."
--Jean Baptiste Moliere

.crafty.

after work i went into ac moore to pick up some materials for a project i've been wanting to work on for a while now. i remember when i wasn't really employed and michaels and ac moore were nice little dreamlands of distraction. i'm probably the least creative of my friends, but i do enjoy pretending that if i pick up x bead and y string and z embellishment, i could somehow pull together a creation worth marketing. well i was in there for a hella long time, and again, i can't wait until i can retire and make things for fun for the rest of my life. and i'm not going to let the fact that my mom didn't have the time to teach me to do this stuff stop me. so she never showed me how to knit or paint. so what? i'll learn it on my own. that's why they make books, which leads me to destination number dos at the w township public library. i went to pay my dues for keeping these books for way too long and ended up perusing the shelves with all its delightful goodies. more reading, less youtube. more crafting, less myspace. more writing, less time to mourn the aging of my soul and body. how do people manage to get bored? there's just too much in the world to learn, experience, feel, conquer. maybe that's just me, and i've had enough of the whiny part of my self, tugging on my shirt telling me to go and do something.

my friends are progressing in their lives at lightning speed, and although the selfish part of me mourns the loss of our innocent and carefree friendships, i still thank God for the growth i've seen in all of them. thank you for inspiring me to go and make something of myself too.

.fever.

i hate spring. always have, always will. i hate pollen, i've had hay fever every year since i was ten. back then, they didn't make medicine quite as well. i was constantly drowsy and miserable. it seems to get worse every year. i want to rip my eyes out and turn my throat inside out and itch it to pieces. i hate spring. spring meant that track season was starting. i remember how i would be in the field house chatting it up with "T" who would be in the weight room training for his elite soccer team or whatever. warm weather memories. gah i hate them. i hate change in weather that brings the bugs out, and the people out. it starts to get warm and people start going crazy with insisting that every other past activity now must be conducted outside. i hate how spring becomes a coming out social event. people want to have their iced coffee coolattas on the metal tables outside under the umbrella, while wearing their light jacket over a cute khaki skirt and wedge sandals. people start window shopping and taking walks through the city, stopping in this thrift store and that cheeky designer shop. and the baseball games, sitting in the semi-cool night air while watching the sky dim, who wants that? how bout the beginning of those spontaneous bbqs? yeah, totally lame that anyone would enjoy just bumming around the table, drinking beers and shooting the breeze or chillin on the front steps talking about everything and anything. yeah...totally.

.sit around saturday.

.M givin me a wet willy at the pub in North Brunswick, NJ.

so this is sadly how we would spend our holy saturday nights each year, when M would visit for the holidays. not that we weren't being respectful, it was just really convenient because people would be home for easter. just wanted to establish that. anyway.

.tools.

.surprises waiting for me at the hotel in st. augustine, florida.

gosh, the smallest things help me feel happy. when little sister and i arrived at the hotel in st. augustine, the lady at the front desk goes, "oh, we've been expecting you." it wasn't until we entered our room that i knew what she meant, because there was a beautiful basket bouquet of flowers from juniper and bean, as well as a lovely card that dearest L had sent for "guest arriving 3/6/08". i was so so touched and i made sure sister took many a picture.

tools for happiness. just recently, i've been talking to loved ones left and right about people in their lives that have the opportunity to be happy, but they just choose not to be. that could be from being in the wrong relationship, or ignoring advice of those that love them lots, to this, that, and the other. and the advice in my head was simple: we are responsible for our own happiness. it sounds kind of selfish, but what i am getting at, is that we shouldn't rely on other people to make us happy, we should find that happiness ourselves, and within ourselves. i know that if my mom made me breakfast every morning the way she does for my dad, sure, it would make me happy. but if i let that bring my spirit down all the time, then wouldn't i be so miserable? easier to take the approach that i will make my own breakfast, it will be wonderful, and praise God i have the chance to even have breakfast.

but of course on the flip side, i do want to point out how happiness develops in serving the needs of others. the happiness is returned to us tenfold. those small tokens were huge in my eyes. when we think of others, care about others, love others, they are the ones that will lift us up.

yeahhh...

.hip, hip hop, hip hop anonymous?.

yeah. ben and me saw this on sunday and we totally wanted it. the only qualm we had was that the music wasn't sung by the original artists because they didn't want to pay royalities or however that works. very similar to kidz bop. ugh. i'm such a sucker for infomercials. my parents are still firm believers in oxyclean. i wanted a magic bullet and for a hot minute there, the girls and i were tempted to nads our legs. my dad went through a qvc/hsn streak and one day we were all gifted with these cheap ass cameras. he had decided the deal was too good to pass up. mine was crap and took blurry pictures. my senior prom pictures were a no go. and yes, i do own the firm, it is a very good program when i decide to do it which is rarely.

grad school update: we've been emailing back and forth. i have to say, the OT department chair is awesome and has been really helpful. it's not closed yet which is promising. i'm looking forward to florida, my sister will be flying with me on thursday and we'll be in st. augustine until saturday. i'm grateful either way to be given a chance to prove myself to the world.

.tea party.

.would you like some more tea in your princess cup? oh YEAH!.
.jun's house, somerset, nj.

i know. there's so much ridiculousness about this picture. so the story behind the story is that on saturday i went to go pick up a couple of grocery items at stop n shop for colleen's birthday party. when i got out, there was a cart that was in the side of my car, because the person next to me didn't have enough some combination of energy/knowhow/common sense/time to push the cart to the cart return that was just steps away. pissed, i saw these two orphans in the basket and you know what? they're mine now. i threw them in my grocery bags and proceeded to talk to no one in the parking lot dripping with sarcasm, "oh that's fine, I'LL just return the carts. NO PROBLEM. ::slamming carts into the cart return:: was that really so hard? really? oh that's fine, i LOVE having dent marks in my car!" so i get back to jun's and i wash them off and have them hanging on both sides of his bamboo plant. it looks comical, because they both look constipated and agitated, and man, look at the package on the guy with the green pants. he could only wish, right? jun's looking at them, like, "um why?" i say, why not? finders keepers. some poor kid is crying his eyes out because mommy whisked him into the car, and i'm sure she had had it up to there and just needed to get out of there. so they were a nice conversation piece for the rest of the night. since elize and pete were over, and kaylen looked slightly unamused, i got to open a princess tea set that never reached its intended receiver. and wa la, hours and hours later, we had the wrestling tea party. entertainment at its finest. God bless my friends, they are hilarious.

.solitude.

.The Ellipse, Washington, DC 5/20/01.

i was cleaning and came across this picture from graduation day at GWU. i'm pretty sure my dad took it, perhaps amused at my annoyance that as it was pouring, i couldn't find my family in the crowd. the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone...whoa whoa whoa whoa...the cheese stands alone. alone. it's quiet right now, family's out and i'm here at the house. it's quiet. i'm alone. i'm used to this. when i was younger, i didn't really have a lot of friends, and honestly i don't know if that was just a filipino thing, because my mom wouldn't let me join girl scouts or play at people's houses or other stuff that kids do from what i gather. sometimes i would play with the kids in my neighborhood until we moved to a more isolated street. so instead, i spent a lot of time writing, reading, thinking, wondering about this world we live in, pondering my future, healing from my past and surviving for the present. was it just me, or did i have a weird childhood? solitude. some days i prefer it, other days i wish it wasn't such a default. another look...man i look pathetic. where the F are you? it's like i'm always searching...maybe i'm just waiting for someone to find me.
secret: i used to make up imaginary friends so i wouldn't feel so lonely.

"Let us love, since that is all our hearts were made for."

St. Therese, The Little Flower