.bland.

i'm sorry, i just don't have the heart to explain my heart anymore. i don't know if that's what turning 30 or grad school does to you, but i'm so worn down to the point that i probably do need a heart transplant. i was cleaning and found some of my old journals. imagine blogging something 3 years ago and being so dismayed to find that some of what i had written had not changed one bit. it's kinda sad, to not feel the passion of living. i'll get there, it's a step in the right direction to at least acknowledge it. <3
so i guess i'll just update what's going on in everyone else's lives.

today a friend found out the sex of her baby. another posted pictures of her son's third birthday and another posted pictures from her older sister's wedding.
yesterday my friend posted about her engagement over the weekend and my other friend had a baby boy.
the day before a friend got a new puppy.
the day before that my friends got married.

fun stuff.

.new.

today is a new day to be a new person. i'm at this organic vegan cafe and God knows that if i had the luxury, i would eat like this everyday. it makes me feel good to know that i'm putting good food into my body. when i made the decision to stop eating meat, i just felt so much better about it. it's a rarity when i miss it. i will most probably be content never touching it again. i do have a soft spot for seafood though. although some would miss a prime rib, i can't resist a good paella or seafood gumbo. the thought makes me happy inside. who knows, i don't think i'm being a fake, although those strict vegetarians would say otherwise. i don't think i'm superficial, but i wish i had money to buy top quality food. maybe i would feel a lot better, i won't be as tired or cranky or get these headaches i often get. but the money is so seductive and i can't resist a good sale. maybe one day, i'll be the person i've always wanted to be. until then, baby steps and small indulgences will keep me going. <3

.disappointments.

life is not about disappointments, but how you handle them. as creatures of habit, we fall into routines and patterns that we mold in order to feel safe and secure. anything out of that can be scary because of its uncertainty. i've stepped out of my "safe place" more times than i can count, trying not to end up feeling disappointed, trying so hard to hope for the best, trying not to have any expectations of events in my life. i've tried to console my heart after each less than optimal outcome, to dust the feet off and to keep going. and who knows, maybe until the day i die, there will always be something that doesn't go quite right, that breaks my heart yet once again. but again, it's all about the final outcome, that i really did just try my best and that it was all worth it in the end. and something i need to really work on, is this nasty habit of comparing my life to others. why do i do that? it's so pointless and unproductive and only frustrates my spirit. i'm trying so hard to hold onto my dreams, to not be afraid to shoot for them, to believe that they aren't so far out of my grasp. i try to believe that i'm heading in the right direction, that it will bring me peace and joy like i've never known before. i just pray for a chance to find balance in my life. i know it's all worth it, but i wish my heart would listen.