.expectations.

sometimes i wonder, is it better to live a life always hoping for the best, or to be realistic and not set yourself up for disaster? i only ask this because i feel like i get myself into situations in which i think, "oh stace, how did you even end up here in the first place?" sometimes i feel like i walk into the line of the fire, and really, why do i do that? well i ask these questions, but in a sense, i pretty much already know the answer. isn't that funny that the things that affect the heart seem to be things you already know about but just aren't willing to accept? i do it because i'm hoping for a different outcome. i do it because i keep thinking that i'm doing something wrong in the first place, and if i want my life to be different, then don't i have to change how i approach things?

why is my life perpetually penciled in? i'm just always ready to fix it again. maddening, but i guess that's what learning is all about. <3

.last.

okay, my last distraction and then time to sleep. sometimes i simply marvel at where i am in my life and who's been and is in it. one of the hardest parts for me is to let go of my past, and to see it as a learning experience and to know that brighter days are ahead. sometimes on especially silent days days of solitude, i can't help but compare it to the countless days it was like that growing up. not really the best memories and i felt so unloved by God. but now i'm able to realize that God has been so good to me by giving me quality and not quantity in my friendships to help make up for being somewhat friendless until i got to high school. it's amazing how alone i felt, and it still makes me kind of sad thinking about it. i'm glad those days are over, and i don't have to worry about those days anymore, that if i ever feel down, i have a really really good group of friends i can turn to. i'm not trying to turn this into a pity party, i think i just want to acknowledge it, get over it, and move on. and not just that, but really appreciate what i have now, to know that i was never promised anything or guaranteed anything. it is i who owe everything in this life to Him. i just want to make Him really proud of me. when i start to feel slighted in this world, lonely, unwanted, forgotten and abandoned, i take a step back. i check myself and get my head straight back on that path. <3
one more final!

.divine.

it's divine mercy sunday, and today is the feast day of st. faustina. i really like the words "divine" and "mercy". it's powerful when you put the two together, because divine means to come from directly from God and mercy means compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power. it's His divine mercy that shows His compassion on our souls. isn't that awesome? i'm glad to have His compassion especially now with the way i feel, unmotivated, inadequate and frustrated with my level of intelligence. i'm probably not the woman He ever intended for me to be, but i'm thankful for His patience that i can keep trying. i'm thankful for my faith that helps me take each day at a time, because that's all i can really handle most days. i may be snubbed by others, and maybe even looked down, but all that matters is His opinion of me. no one else's. i really do need to remember that. anyway, back to studying, until the next distraction. <3

.procrastination.

okay, i have been giving myself 15 minute increments all morning. "15 minutes and then you'll get up", "15 minutes on fb and then you need to log off", "15 minutes to read blogs and blog", etc...
i am obviously trying to avoid studying for my 3 finals, even though it's crazy vital i do. i'll get there, i just can't believe it's already saturday morning. oh i am so excited that this semester is almost over! emotionally and academically i don't think it was as rough as 1st, but still as intense. i have learned so much about myself by being challenged, humilated, humbled, while being consoled and supported by my peers. i don't feel as alone as i did 1st semester, and i'm glad, because this was starting to become such a lonely road, and i was really questioning whether i had made the right/best decision in pursuing this Master's degree. but i keep trying to look at the big picture, and looking at what i really want to do and where i want to be.

i will soon have to choose internship sites and while i have been able to narrow down the type of populations i want to work with, my eyes have been scanning the whole map. east coast? west coast? home? far far away? familiar? completely foreign? i want to be somewhere i will thrive, and really get the best from my internship experience, but where??? i know, i should be fortunate to even have this dilemma, so i should look at it a bit more positively. we'll just have to see. <3

.customized.

sometimes i wish there were more songs that described my life. i don't seem to relate to many these days. i feel like the genre of love songs is not the promise of finding love, but whether you have it and love to be in love, or you've experienced it and don't like it because you got dang hurt and now you hate the guy. or maybe you hate the guy but you still love the guy and you don't know how to forget about the guy even though you really should because he's an idiot and you can do much better. or something like that. but what i'm getting at, is, are there songs about the promise of love, but that until then, you're still okay? sign me up for that! adele is awesome, but she makes me hurt for her. i hurt enough for myself, ya know? i don't need to rehash old feelings. like, give me a song about reassurance that guys are still nice and they still care, and that there are some really good ones out there, so don't go making your way to the abbey just yet because there might still be a chance for you. wow, maybe if this whole OT stuff doesn't pan out, i can always become a professional songwriter. or haiku poet.

stacy should study
she's procrastinating much
pray for her please, thanks!

.vulnerability.

i had to confess my age to yet another classmate today. most everyone i'm around is in the 22 to 24 age range. luckily they think i am too. sometimes i can't help but be jealous of all the years they still have ahead of them with their impending OT/PT/Dual degrees, while that awful double digit beginning with the number 3 starts to rear its ugly head in my life. i know i know, i wouldn't be where i was had i not gone through the other stuff yadda yadda, but still. i didn't think i would be "that" person i am now. i figured i would find my man during or right after college, spend some time dating while honing the career, then get married and be settled with or without the 2.5 children. by 30. at least that's what happened with a lot of my high school classmates that i caught up with during our 10 year reunion last december. and i seem to be a dying breed among my single girl friends. my wing women have gone up and "nested" with their new loves, while i face the uncertainty of a dating scene that speaks a different language than me, while i fumble with the translation guide.

maybe being typical or boring is starting to become quite okay with me. i'm not interested in being a reckless rockstar, or a free spirited traveler. i think it is just as spectacular to sit in a local coffee shop blogging while helping your husband with the morning crossword. my current place of residence doesn't help either that getting married at 21 is quite normal and my louisiana friend told me that in her hometown, 24 and unmarried is old maid status.

maybe the grass is greener. maybe i need to believe in my self worth without the validation of a man. maybe i need to just be okay with all these feelings and that there is no right or wrong, that there just IS, and it's okay to let people see that vulnerable side of me that cringes when a loved one tries to set me up with a guy, while wondering deep down inside, "maybe it will work out this time."

whatever the case may be, once break starts, i'd actually like to give this all some care and attention. and thanks in advance for being with me through it all. <3

.motivation.

it's our last week of classes before finals. i can't believe i'm at this point. this semester truly flew by. it's going to be just as whirlwind when i go to key west and then home to jersey. again, i can't believe it'll be 4 months since i've seen my lovelies. i'm super excited, and i get to kick it off with a mets game with my godsons, their family and fellow sporting buddy.

maybe it was all part of my hormonal kick, but i was really angry on the treadmill today and ended up running for 45 minutes which amounted to 4.4 miles. nothing happened to me directly today, but all these crazy thoughts of past circumstances started popping up in my head and all of the sudden i was running like i was gonna catch up with someone and pound them. yes, very violent, but hopefully therapeutic. it also didn't help that i stepped on the scale. i'm stuck at this 2 pound hiatus. i can't seem to lose them. but i'll blame the hormones, and again, i blame the hormones because my weekend was fine. easter was lowkey, but again, all good. i was annoyed that i didn't get as much work done as i wanted to, but who can resist mary poppins and sound of music. dang you abc family, you won this round!

pray for that i hang in there and focus so i can rock these 2 practicals and 4 exams! thanks!

.answers.

so it's approaching the end of Holy week and soon Easter will be here. i've been going to church all week long since my lenten commitment to go every morning fell somewhat to the wayside once midterms came around. then daylight savings time came around, and the notion of getting up by 630am was too daunting. but i knew it was important for me to make it this week. it's actually around this time that i really miss my catholic buddies. i was thinking about how that and wouldn't you know, one of my PT filipina buddies who i haven't seen in a while, "sst"ed me yesterday and starting laughing when i turned around. we started catching up with things and had a really great conversation about faith. how awesome is that? if i don't talk to you, enjoy the weekend, and happy easter to you and your loved ones. =*

.mojito.

i realized that i've been posting pictures of just food, so i figured i would post a picture of part of my day. i FINALLY got to the beach for the first time this year. and got burnt on my shoulders and chest. the chinese side of me got real angry and got some red color instead of a nice filipino golden brown. dang genes.
i'm on drink number two right now. the first was chambord with verdi spumante, and now i'm on a mango mojito. yes, i'm drinking by myself. it keeps me emotionally dead inside. it will make me a good therapist. si or no? i'm just kidding. i figure i'm going to wait for this silly final four game to finish and then i'll pretend to not study, and then i'll cry myself to sleep and have more awesome dreams that are so much better than reality. the brain is a funny thing. but today was a good day i tell you, i slept in, cleaned, did a load of laundry, caught up with some friends on the phone, went to the beach with a good friend, had some good leftover indian food and caught up on episodes of csi. a joyous and fun saturday. not physically full of people, but it's okay. there's always my friend al cohol.

.eggs.

one day, my guy best friend and i went through most of a carton of eggs trying to fry the perfect egg. by the perfect egg, i mean trying to duplicate the fried eggs his 3 aunts and parents managed to fry up almost identically. so perfect, we would get to the point that we would just have random cravings for his family's cooking.
well through this process, i realized just how many components are involved in frying an egg to make it the perfect egg. you need the perfect frying pan, the perfect oil, the perfect oil temperature, the perfect spatula, and the perfect execution, down to a certain way you flicked the oil in the pan. and maybe just cooking it with love. it's one of those great memories that reminds me how enriched my life has been and how i've been so blessed to meet and be selflessly included in people's lives and families. completely irreplaceable moments. and i know that there are still so many moments to live and to incorporate in the rich fabric of the memories in my mind, and i am definitely looking forward to them.