.yucky.

it's a yucky week full of projects and tests, so what better way to procrastinate then to blog! i was flipping through the channels and not studying for my gerontology test and came across sugarland performing on abc. i'm not a fan, but i had caught a part of them being interviewed on oprah. something that caught my ear was when jennifer nettles told oprah, she couldn't believe she got paid for what she did. when i saw her performing tonight, i could see the passion excude from her, and i thought, "wow, that's love". that's just awesome. i caught up with an old friend and we just talked for hours on end, and at one point, she said, "you're going to make a great OT". it was a really affirming message. i heard it right when i needed to hear it.

i think that's what's so wonderful about having a faith, we're taught that there are no coincidences in the world, that when you're meant to hear something, see something, encounter something, it all comes together.

<3

.blessings.

i don't often get to blog about how awesome things go down, so i definitely wanted to record this as a very good day, and that things are meant to happen one way or another. for some time now, my classmates and i have been attempting to lock down our internship sites for next year. we list down our top 10 places for IIA, then top ten places for IIB. if no one puts the same place as you for your number one choice, then you automatically get that place. if more than one person puts the same place, the computer "randomly" chooses. i got my IIA site at a mental health hospital in california automatically because no one else chose it. but then i had a 50/50 chance of getting my site at the cancer center in tampa b/c someone else had chosen it as their number spot as well. she ended up getting it, and i went to my number two listed site which was a hospital in st. petersburg. so i thought, well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, maybe i was meant to go to this hospital instead. but the cancer center was still on my mind, and so i went in to the clinical education office and forfeited my site in cali so i could go to the cancer center. so if you're still with me, this means that i had cancer center in tampa for IIA and hospital in st. petersburg for IIB. well a week ago, i got an email and a note saying that the hospital in st. petersburg had canceled my site, and would i like to choose my number THREE site or did i need to set up an appointment? we set it up for today and that was that.

timing is everything. i had scheduled a locksmith to make a key for my landlord's car and we had agreed he would stop by any time b/t 10-11 today. well as 1130 rolled around, i started to get a little nervous thinking that maybe i screwed up all my appointment times. i left a message over at the clin ed office and she called me back at 1150 telling me we were scheduled to meet at 12. oops. all good, we pushed it to 115 so she could get lunch. the locksmith finally showed up at 12. yeah. i dunno but that was done and when i got to the clin ed office, it was like, okay, let's get this show on the road. i had narrowed down my options to another hospital in st. petersburg and a peds place in bradenton. i asked her more about the hospital, but was dismayed to learn that it was offering outpatient and hands, both of which i had NO desire to shadow in. upon asking about the peds place, she had told me it was taken...by the girl who had gotten the cancer center spot for IIB! it seems they had canceled her but taken me! so it was a true blessing in disguise! if things had happened the way i wanted them to, i would've been canceled out of that spot! so my fieldwork coordinator started searching for more peds sites or places that would offer peds in combo with other populations. then she stopped and said, oh, how bout this pediatrics place in lakeland which is in south orlando? i didn't remember seeing it on our list, and she went searching for the paperwork after realizing it wasn't filed in our master list. after some detective work, she found the paperwork. it hadn't been filed b/c it had just came in. i was blown away. talk about timing! she said that it's a good thing i came in when i did, otherwise, we might not have considered this place!

the rest of the day was just a wowers. i had inadvertantly traded in my ethernet cable for my wireless router instead of just securing a new one from comcast. i went in and explained my situation and they were able to find it and return it back to me, and then i was able to finally fix my wireless router to my computer.

i just felt like, wow, so many great things have fallen in place today and i just felt really happy, which i haven't felt in a really long time, and i feel blessed i get to share that with you.

please pray i get confirmed for that lakeland site, or you'll soon be seeing a blog about how i went about trying to find yet another site to take me!

.pathways.

i didn't get the site i wrote about in the previous post. funny how life goes. not quite the funny ha-ha kind of funny, but more like the funny where you know you can't constructively say any other word kind of funny. since i didn't get it, i may be able to still have a chance at it for the first session, meaning i would forfeit my site in california. maybe it's better that way. gotta just roll with the punches, and try to avoid the ones to the face. life isn't all that bad (my friend). i'm struggling in school, but that's nothing new. i'm just a slow one. takes me a couple of tries to get it right. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger though, right? isn't this the most upbeat entry you've ever read?

.eraser.

i'll probably still get it wrong, and have to do it over and over again, and just when i think i've got it right, i will be given a new set of directions. and to do it over again. i'll still make mistakes, hoping that more of my life is written in pencil and not in pen, so i can erase, and do it again, with only a small trace of the error that i originally made. in pen, it's so clear where my errors are, i try desperately to cross it out, but i only make it worse, until i've created a hole in my masterpiece. let my mistakes be amendable, salvagable. let me be more diligent to the steps this time, and slow down to get it right. let me grip gently, so i may let others' Hands guide me, Hand on hand, showing me the correct way to do it. the right way. the best way. yielding, the delicate and deliberate flick in the wrist, i cannot yet decipher what i am creating but yet i know it's beautiful. i want to show what i've learned, yet somewhat shaky, like a child who's had the training wheels off. the lines aren't smooth like Yours, they are choppy and hesitant, shaky and jagged. but determined, i try, full of mistakes, yet heartfelt and directed. please help me create my masterpiece.

.last.

okay, my last distraction and then time to sleep. sometimes i simply marvel at where i am in my life and who's been and is in it. one of the hardest parts for me is to let go of my past, and to see it as a learning experience and to know that brighter days are ahead. sometimes on especially silent days days of solitude, i can't help but compare it to the countless days it was like that growing up. not really the best memories and i felt so unloved by God. but now i'm able to realize that God has been so good to me by giving me quality and not quantity in my friendships to help make up for being somewhat friendless until i got to high school. it's amazing how alone i felt, and it still makes me kind of sad thinking about it. i'm glad those days are over, and i don't have to worry about those days anymore, that if i ever feel down, i have a really really good group of friends i can turn to. i'm not trying to turn this into a pity party, i think i just want to acknowledge it, get over it, and move on. and not just that, but really appreciate what i have now, to know that i was never promised anything or guaranteed anything. it is i who owe everything in this life to Him. i just want to make Him really proud of me. when i start to feel slighted in this world, lonely, unwanted, forgotten and abandoned, i take a step back. i check myself and get my head straight back on that path. <3
one more final!

.refresh.

say hello to my little friends! the one on the left is basil, and the one on the right is lavender. i bought them while i was out at the farmer's market today. it was an incredible find, especially after talking with a dear friend about how much i wanted a basil plant. so i paid 5 dollars for the plants, and then went to home depot afterwards for the pots and soil. all under 10 dollars and a total of one hour. it's funny how the little things can be such gifts! i've been so funky lately, battling family issues in my head and in my dreams. i made some brunch and caught suzie orman on public television. in just 5 minutes, she changed my whole outlook on life. just like that, in 8 simple words.

Harmony-Balance-Courage-Generosity-Happiness-Cleanliness-Beauty-Wisdom.

if you can get your thoughts, words and actions to be one in the same, you have acheived harmony. if you have harmony, you can establish balance. once you have balance, you can be courageous....and so on. her words made me want to be a better person. like right after, i realized how i needed to change my line of thinking. for instance, i could be annoyed with the fact that my coffee filter folded over and coffee grinds got in my coffee, but you know what? i'm not going to let that ruin my day. instead, i'll just make another pot. simple as that.
so empowering! and then we can be good role models to our friends that are struggling with any of these areas in their lives. what a great gift. <3

.inspiration.

i love stories when people go above and beyond their call of duty. i love when people take the time to treat someone with the respect and honor they really do deserve. everyday, someone is always under appreciated, and the world seems so self-absorbed and too busy to care about their own. so i really loved this story about this soldier that asked if there was a way some of the US baseball team could sign his flag that he brought home from iraq. the security guard led him to the clubhouse where everyone signed it and then gave him a ball that the all-star team had signed.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-perezteamusa031809&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
maybe i'm just a huge sap when it comes to kindness because i just don't see it as often as i wish i could. but anyway, i'm glad i got to read that today. it convicts me to keep going in this master's program so that i'll be able to help people in a great way in the future. =)

.peace.

this morning was a little difficult to wake up to, seeing as i wanted nothing more than to stop J.Lo's crooning at 5:30am on my phone and snuggle in my blanket and go back to sleep. but i got up, showered and layered up in clothes because it was still so frigid. i rushed through making breakfast and couldn't even eat it, because i hadn't washed my spinach throughly enough and it was very grainy/sandy. gross. so i just made my way to mass. i could've spent that time studying for my biomechanics practical, but i just needed that time with Him to calm my mind and heart. it's also nice to hit the "reset" button and start the day with the right intention and purpose. i know daily life is going to be really hard, my practical is a clear sign of that, but all i can do is to keep on trucking with my head held up high, and not comparing or expecting anything for what i do. sorting through the noise, i hope my heart will hear what i need to hear.

.indeed.

i recently had an exchange with a "friend" that upset my sensitive soul and had me wondering about the type of friend that i am. i randomly texted her and asked forgiveness for not being able to meet up while i was back home in jersey, and honestly, it was a really nice text where i tried to affirm her, that even though i didn't see her, she was still special to me. well i got a not so nice text back where it seemed like she tried to make me feel bad. seriously, what is that? what kind of friend is that? and if you had such a problem with me, then why didn't you approach me about it sooner? i've made my own mistakes in friendship, but the ones that have stayed in my life, God knows that we've learned from each other how to be better people. isn't that what friendship is about? friendship is about lifting each other up, not stomping them to the ground and making them feel like failures for not bending over backwards for them. friendship is character building and unconditional love. that's why some friendships last and some don't. if there is no growth to be had, then the friendship falls away. it's like going through your phone and deleting entries because you really can't remember the last time you talked to that person, and even if you were to call them, would you have anything to talk about? some people just aren't "forever friends", and i need to accept that too, for people that i am no longer close to. maybe my purpose in their life has been fulfilled and they now have other people to minister to them in a capacity that i cannot. and i can't take that personally, that's how life rolls along. i need to trust that God will bring the people i need into my life and that i will take good care of them as well.

not only is january 2009 a time to make resolutions for the whole year, more than ever, i have realized that every day is an opportunity to become a better person, to recognize one's own flaws and faults and improve on them. i may get it wrong every single day, but i need to at least acknowledge if i had tried to get it right.

it's about hope for humanity. there are some really good people out there. we need to give them a bit more credit.

happy birthday MLK. thanks for the lessons.

.blueprint.

culturally i've been brought up to help people in need. that was drilled into my head by parental figures who have/had health care backgrounds. help others before you help yourself, and put yourself last. parents can be funny, they want so much the best for their child, but then put them on a path rather than letting them journey the one that God created for them. they put them on the safe, secure and standard way because that's what a parent is supposed to do, protect, care and nourish their child. but there is a fine line between guiding and steering a child. when the parent finally lets go, sometimes a child feels lost because they've been told what to do from the very beginning, or the path that they were meant to take is now strewn too heavily with weeds and debris. it's a true blessing when a child becomes a mature individual who dusts off their internal compass and starts to listen to their Maker's voice and not their parents'. i am slowly getting there and again, God is just awesome because He knows how us humans screw up all the time, so i feel like although He has a blueprint and a path for us, there's always more than one way to get there. for me, i've taken the very long journey. when i was little, i wanted to be a doctor because i wanted to help people. i remember being so excited to be old enough to volunteer at the hospital, and i couldn't wait to dedicate my life to becoming a missionary and doing social work and volunteering all around the world. this was free of any influence, this is what sang true in my heart. well as you can imagine, this was not acceptable to my parents who had worked so hard to provide a "better" life for my siblings and me, and they expected me to pursue a career and dream that would lend itself to stability and financial independence. my father told me that i wasn't wrong to have the dreams i had, but i needed to do something that would be able to put food on the table, then i could do what i wanted to do. again, understandable. and it had to be convenient. i was only allowed to volunteer at the church, because it was closeby and i could walk if i needed to. the hospital was too inconvenient for someone to drive me to. so rather than be angry about it, i learned that it just wasn't meant to be.

as you can imagine, i struggled with my dreams versus reality and now have found a happy medium. i know that as an OT i will be able to serve the needs of many people and help them become more independent in a world that doesn't always nurture them. and as long as i can gain my financial indpendence from my parents, then will i be truly able to follow through with my dreams and God's plan for my life. that's the only thing that matters to me, is making Him happy. i can forgo things of this world, if only to gain more love from Him. honestly. i know then will the joy return to my own heart.

.crunch.

okay so this was my kitchen floor yesterday morning when i was stumbling around at 6am to get some last minute studying in before my physiology final. some kashi cereal fell on the floor when i went to pour it, and normally i would throw a profanity out and immediately clean it, but at 6am, i stared at the floor and shrugged my shoulders and walked away. it was so liberating! it was so...sleeping with the enemy redeeming where she leaves the towels uneven. it wasn't going to hurt anyone, so i just left it. it was awesome. i don't think it was an "accident" per se, but a sign of needing to let the hair down a little bit more.

i really hope i passed anatomy. i don't know what i will do if i didn't. i'll find out tomorrow i think.

it's the only thing i really want for christmas.

.searching.

do you ever feel restless, like your heart is searching for something but you don't know what it is? i think that's why the internet can be so dangerous. there are times i just sit in front of the computer like some answer is going to just going to pop out at me. what is it? there's something nagging at my heart. maybe i'm overwhelmed with studying and i'm looking for a break, maybe i'm mentally looking for something to distract me and calm my nerves. maybe i'm looking for something to bring me a new sense of peace or happiness. being impatient or restless may be a sign i should shut everything down. walk away. find my peace within. yes. i will do that.

Martin: I guess old feelings die hard
Samantha: They don't die they just fade, and then you feel guilty that they faded as you wonder what they meant when you had them.

.space.

this was my view on my way to school one morning. i couldn't help but take a picture because it was truly breathtaking. i'm a big nature appreciater, meaning, i'm not necessarily the camper-walk-through-the-grass-barefoot kinda gal, but i LOVE star gazing, moon gazing, sunset gazing, rainbows and such. i think what i love so much about it, is that it helps me feel connected to something greater. it renews my faith, because it makes me think about Him wanting to make us happy, to create something so beautiful that would remind us of Him. whenever i get all granola happy, i think about all the places i still want to see in this world. i don't want to keep on waiting. i want to do it while i'm still healthy and able to carry a 30 pound pack on my bag while trekking up a trail on a mountain in ecuador. i want to appreciate that i still have all my senses, that i can see, hear and feel these things. we just gotta live our lives, and it's unfortunate that we get all sucked into our work worlds that a lot of the time perpetuate monotony. so i will try too, to get out there, to not be afraid to get my hands dirty and to take the time to gaze at the stars a bit more.
go ahead, find Leo's Heart tonight.

.quiz me.

sometimes i daydream about another life that could've been. all the talents i didn't get a chance to hone, or even untap. i could've been the next greatest filipino-american actress. i used to practice crying on command, but then got discouraged because i had no singing or dancing skills. i think about my regret in not joining crew in college, of not being part of the ski club in middle school. i wonder what my life would've been like had i ended up dorming at blair academy. i wonder sometimes if stopping piano lessons after 7 years was a smart decision, or if i again, blew a chance to do something great with it. i'm not fluent in any other languages, i can't dance, i can't sing, i can't play a musical instrument well, i don't cook extraordinarily well, though i can follow a recipe, i have no eye for interior design, and my favorite outfits consist of teeshirts and jeans. i'm kinda lame, but i hope that the fact that i love people a lot makes up for that.
one of the biggest lessons i have learned in moving down here, is that you can't be afraid to go off the path a bit, and take a leap of faith into something new. i debate leaving every other day, but one day i will be a great occupational therapist and help make this world a better place to live in. then after i make the money i want to, i'll travel the world, with or without that special someone.

who freakin knows? that's actually quite refreshing, to know that you don't know because anything is truly possible.

.why i do.

i was cleaning out my inbox when i came across a forward from dear bean, and she reintroduced me to this amazing father son duo. i watched the video and was bawling. gosh, if you ever want to see what love looks like, then this is it. if you ever lose faith in men, in husbands and fathers, watch this. if you forget your faith and want to see how much Jesus loves you, it's kinda like this. it was perfect timing with 2 exams, a practical and 2 quizzes looming this week. as nervous i am, it helped reaffirm my passion for why i'm in school, how i want to be an instrument, a voice for those that have no voice. even more than ever, there's this renewed sense of hope among americans, belief that we live in a country that will gives the means to fulfill your dreams, goals and ambitions. i am among them.

.joy.pain.

observation was super cool today. i was at a school for deaf and blind kids, and it was so so very awesome. i want to go back and observe some more, and perhaps submit paperwork so i can do my internship there. i just fell in love with the kids there. this school is the largest of its kind in the united states. this is where ray charles went to school. neat, right? i could go on and on about how freakin awesome this school is. oh, and it was 10 minutes away. oh and i felt so extremely blessed to attend this site, as there were only 2 from my school assigned there. so booyakah, i was so so so happy, and i don't care that i've used the word "so" 394857 times. (finally, something about my grad program to make me smile!)

so while i was there, my hot best friend leaves me a text which states, "let me know when you got a free sec, got some cute news for you." as i was leaving, i called her, and before she could say anything, i said, "okay, so tell me who's either pregnant or getting married." she just starts laughing, because i was right, her sister-in-law is due in april. so true though, right? seems we're at that age. yuck and yuck.

.love yourself.

The meaning of love is to sacrifice yourself.

St. Therese of Lisieux

i saw this reflection and it brought me back to my meeting this morning that i had with my physiology professor where i was determined not to break down, and then proceeded to cry when i tried to tell him that i am hardest on myself. i felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest when i explained to him that i have no friends or family down here, but that i am trying to make this place my home. and he just let me cry as i kept apologizing for crying and trying to compose myself enough to get some words out of my mouth. i was glad i talked to him though, because he helped me reaffirm the belief that somehow along the journey, is starting to slip from me. and i want to do so well. oh my gosh, i want to really wow everyone. i don't want to be the dumb girl.

this song has been helping me through the week:

"You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews

I search for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name sayin

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life

You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life

Faithful and true... Forever, For my love will carry you...

You're not alone, for I... I am here, let me wipe away your every fear... Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through your darkest night,

Your darkest nights, And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life

.13 going on 30.

i've actually never watched the whole thing. the other day, i caught the end of the movie, and i was left wondering: what is it like to meet the love of your life when you're 13? it just brought me back to my own "childhood". i was an awkward ugly duckling who slowly shed herself of the glasses, braces, overgrown eyebrows and shyness by sophomore year of high school. i had my first kiss at 16, and of course at 29 i think that that is so young, but back then, i thought, "wow, there must be something wrong with me." throughout high school and college, i barely dated. i "missed out" on homecoming dances, football games, library study sessions, study dates, walking around monuments, and just being carefree and young in love. my outlet was writing. i poured all my thoughts out in journals, writing about life, people, faith, and love. conceptual, idealistic, confusing, and intangible aspects of love. in some ways i still do that. i'm still in wonder about it all, this foreign concept that's still dear to my heart. but that's life. we're called to be witnesses to different aspects of it, and the whole relationship arena was never a strong suit of mine. i guess we'll just have to see, right? i look forward to sharing more aspects of my life with you, as i continue on in my journey here in st. augustine. what i would do to transport you all here.

.recoup.

when you come back from camp, all things are kinda out of whack. i'm still looking at the date as if it isn't real. a lot just doesn't seem real when you're in a place that focuses on the happiness of a child. i know i have to unpack the car, start doing laundry, get to finishing my online course and gear up for my last week of work, but i just can't do it yet. i could've stayed it out with the CF crew just a bit longer, but after we all got together at the bar, i just wanted to sleep in my own bed, but that came with its own consequences, which would be me waking up at 11pm to an empty house. it's a shock after spending 8 days in a cabin with 17 other girls. and i love solitude, but my heart feels so lonely right now. it's so freakin quiet it hurts.

camp was amazing. just when you start to get too tired, you have someone remind you why you are there. this is the one week of the year that this child is the center of the universe in a world that would normally reject him or her. this camp puts the emphasis on being truly special and important in our eyes. these kids are simply amazing and really do teach us how to be better people, to be tolerant, patient, loving, gracious, humble and less self-centered. it's difficult to care only about yourself when you realize how much people around you need your attention and help. truly amazing. and the amount of affirmation i received from my peers was overwhelming. i wish i could pack up these people and bring them with me to florida, because it wouldn't make it as scary. but we'll see each other again. i pray and hope i do, because it is so essential to my life more than ever.

.recoup.

so for the past two days i have been sleeping at 7:30pm, having been booted from the family room so mom can watch wheel of fortune, waking up still pretty exhausted at 5:30am. the other night was the headache from hell. headaches are no joke in my family so my mom was kinda concerned. so i passed out for a hot minute. i don't know what it is, but oh well. it really could be my body trying to reset after going through hyperdrive for the past 8 weeks or maybe this hot weather which sucks the life out of me. guess i should get used to that!?! i've also been trying to be really good about what i eat. i haven't touched a cup of coffee since last sunday at m's bridal shower. that's quite a streak! oh and i know i never really talked about my new blender, but i finally made my most favorite concoction which was a strawberry lemonade slushie. it was divine!

this weekend i'm kicking it off with dinner with a.tess and i'm looking forward to that. it's important to be surrounded by strong women. women that will build you up and help you to grow. tomorrow i'll be at the shore for the first time this summer, but still not on the sand, and that's quite alright. it will just be nice to be around my camp fatties. sunday's m & g's housewarming. i feel like i've been warmed up the place enough with my numerous sleepovers, but i love an occasion for us to get together. i can't believe it's the first of august. time is just absolutely flying by, and i'm trying my best to fit in all the jersey stuff. i get kind of teary eyed when i'm around my godson. he's growing way fast and it makes me sad that i won't have the luxury of stopping by after work to just hang out with him and his awesome family.
we take sooooo much for granted. it's easy for us to go through the motions, and we get stuck in ruts and routines, but honestly, nothing is forever. i will turn around and say goodbye to someone at some point for the rest of my life. that will never go away. and it will never be easy. once again, we must live our lives to the absolute fullest.
"Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours."
--Jean Baptiste Moliere