.pathways.

i didn't get the site i wrote about in the previous post. funny how life goes. not quite the funny ha-ha kind of funny, but more like the funny where you know you can't constructively say any other word kind of funny. since i didn't get it, i may be able to still have a chance at it for the first session, meaning i would forfeit my site in california. maybe it's better that way. gotta just roll with the punches, and try to avoid the ones to the face. life isn't all that bad (my friend). i'm struggling in school, but that's nothing new. i'm just a slow one. takes me a couple of tries to get it right. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger though, right? isn't this the most upbeat entry you've ever read?

.rock.

so i turned in my sites for fieldwork today. as part of the MOT degree, one has to participate in 2 12 week fieldwork experiences. i submitted a request for a mental health hospital in the bay area of san fran, and the second one for a cancer center in tampa. we'll cross our fingers to find out if i got them. the second one is iffy because someone else is gunning for it. the computer makes the final decision. i really hope i get it. it would be such a nice change of pace from the the disappointments that i've been feeling day in and day out. this semester has been so much of a challenge for me. i know school is hard, but i'm so tired of feeling so dumb. i don't want to be dumb, i'll take even average. even at my fieldwork site, my clinical instructor makes me feel so dumb. it just makes me wanna cry. i know life is hard, i know life can suck, but i just need SOMETHING to make my day go just a little bit easier. sometimes i find myself looking at pictures from back home, because my friends are my rock. they help me to believe in myself, and they believe in me when i have given up on myself, as i do time and time again. i'm so tired of writing mundane entries, i want to write about how awesome life is! i want to write about being so giddy it hurts, that i can't wait to wake up in the morning and tell you all the wonderful things that happened today! why can't i have that? i've been running on E for a while now. i can't seem to find the energy or the strength. i'm just so tired. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of trying to smile and act normal, when i know i'm not normal!
maybe i'm the one who belongs in a mental health hospital. maybe it will help me feel normal. who knows.