.small.

i'm kept itty bitty, the moment i even think i'm anything greater, He puts me back in my place. it keeps me so grateful for every blessing He gives me, the meaning behind each means so much more. i've continued to struggle academically through my master's program, and really, i am used to feeling behind and insignificant to my peers, but i really did let myself down through my recent performance on an exam. maybe i was just so overconfident with it, but really, i didn't think i would do as poorly as i did. it just makes me feel so dumb and screw what anyone else would ever say about me, but i care about what this means to doing well overall, that i will be a good therapist some day. i wish there was some way to translate how much i care about people into these exams. sometimes, i'm just so tired of it all and i'm ready to walk away. i'm just not convinced that this is all worth it. but i go through it, feeling often alone, feeling often overlooked. just an itty bitty speck in this world, nothing more. so i'll keep going, and hoepfully i'll have that chance to rest and be able to enjoy it all for once. <3

.pathways.

i didn't get the site i wrote about in the previous post. funny how life goes. not quite the funny ha-ha kind of funny, but more like the funny where you know you can't constructively say any other word kind of funny. since i didn't get it, i may be able to still have a chance at it for the first session, meaning i would forfeit my site in california. maybe it's better that way. gotta just roll with the punches, and try to avoid the ones to the face. life isn't all that bad (my friend). i'm struggling in school, but that's nothing new. i'm just a slow one. takes me a couple of tries to get it right. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger though, right? isn't this the most upbeat entry you've ever read?

.rock.

so i turned in my sites for fieldwork today. as part of the MOT degree, one has to participate in 2 12 week fieldwork experiences. i submitted a request for a mental health hospital in the bay area of san fran, and the second one for a cancer center in tampa. we'll cross our fingers to find out if i got them. the second one is iffy because someone else is gunning for it. the computer makes the final decision. i really hope i get it. it would be such a nice change of pace from the the disappointments that i've been feeling day in and day out. this semester has been so much of a challenge for me. i know school is hard, but i'm so tired of feeling so dumb. i don't want to be dumb, i'll take even average. even at my fieldwork site, my clinical instructor makes me feel so dumb. it just makes me wanna cry. i know life is hard, i know life can suck, but i just need SOMETHING to make my day go just a little bit easier. sometimes i find myself looking at pictures from back home, because my friends are my rock. they help me to believe in myself, and they believe in me when i have given up on myself, as i do time and time again. i'm so tired of writing mundane entries, i want to write about how awesome life is! i want to write about being so giddy it hurts, that i can't wait to wake up in the morning and tell you all the wonderful things that happened today! why can't i have that? i've been running on E for a while now. i can't seem to find the energy or the strength. i'm just so tired. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of trying to smile and act normal, when i know i'm not normal!
maybe i'm the one who belongs in a mental health hospital. maybe it will help me feel normal. who knows.

.eraser.

i'll probably still get it wrong, and have to do it over and over again, and just when i think i've got it right, i will be given a new set of directions. and to do it over again. i'll still make mistakes, hoping that more of my life is written in pencil and not in pen, so i can erase, and do it again, with only a small trace of the error that i originally made. in pen, it's so clear where my errors are, i try desperately to cross it out, but i only make it worse, until i've created a hole in my masterpiece. let my mistakes be amendable, salvagable. let me be more diligent to the steps this time, and slow down to get it right. let me grip gently, so i may let others' Hands guide me, Hand on hand, showing me the correct way to do it. the right way. the best way. yielding, the delicate and deliberate flick in the wrist, i cannot yet decipher what i am creating but yet i know it's beautiful. i want to show what i've learned, yet somewhat shaky, like a child who's had the training wheels off. the lines aren't smooth like Yours, they are choppy and hesitant, shaky and jagged. but determined, i try, full of mistakes, yet heartfelt and directed. please help me create my masterpiece.

.trials.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

~Ginny Owens If You Want Me To

.hands.

.view from our condo balcony.

vacay was a necessity that i am glad engulfed two weeks of my life. being in key west for 5 days before going to jersey was one of the best decisions i have ever made. i really needed to unwind from finals before going back to my loved ones and balancing out a hectic schedule in order to see everyone. maybe too, just to mentally prepare myself for whatever i was going to face.

i was in the car with my mom and as i told her a story, without thinking, i put my hand on her hand. i wasn't even aware of it until she pulled her hand away. this small action broke my heart all over again. it hurt, because i had almost forgotten how uncomfortable she is with affection. it hurt because i realized how much i still want it. and it hurt because it brought back a lot of memories of growing up and not fully understanding my mother, and not accepting her for who she is. yes, i took it quite personally, even though i shouldn't have. it's "funny" how a child's heart gets so wounded all too easily, and it's "interesting" to see how it affects how a person grows and thrives in the world.

so how did i become a loving person? the odds tell me i should've either been dead, institutionalized or a drug addict. but somehow, not only am i alive, but i love. i live to love. i understand love. i am surrounded by love. i can identify love. i advocate for love. if love was on trial, i would be testify for its defense, telling the world how important it is, how it's affected others. but...as much as i love, i feel unloved. i know i am loved, but i do not feel loved. perhaps i have difficulty accepting love. maybe that will change, and it is a big prayer of mine. gotta let the love overpower the yuck. gotta let go, gotta believe, gotta trust. <3

.smile.

as i walked into the classroom to take my wellness exam, my classmate was walking towards me in order to throw something away. she gave me a look, then said, "oh come on, SMILE!" i sheepishly apologized for some reason. but she made me realize something about myself, gosh, do i look that depressed that people need to remind me to smile? maybe i do need to smile more. so that's what i'm doing for lent among other things. i am going to sacrifice my pride and make it a point to smile, no matter how bad the ish hits the fan. i don't like the pessimistic person that i've become. so i will try. <3

.sweet.

i just lost my whole post, and it's kind of funny because it had to do with being happy and a lot of questions on the brain. maybe it wasn't meant to be posted, but oh well. maybe if i'm in the mood later, i will retype it. one of the things i was thinking about was how much as of late, i realize how nostalgic i am. i long for situations and people that made me feel at peace, and really happy. i should really follow my own advice and try to make each day better, but sometimes it's just really hard. i've stumbled a lot on this path, but i'll get there. =*

.stupid.

stupid memories. stupid way the brain works. can't seem to forget the dumb stuff, can't seem to remember the stuff i need. let me let go. let me please empty that part of my brain so i can use it for stuff that will actually let me survive school. let me fill those parts with really good memories. stupid head, stupid heart. when will you ever agree with each other? why do you insist on egging each other on? why do you flood my senses with your mean anecdotes? bullies. sometimes i have mini mental heart attacks. it's kinda like some image, word, song or memory stabs me in the heart and i have to pause for a minute until it goes away. anyone else get this way? amel larrieux's "make me whole" creeped up on my playlist and i froze. i don't think it's going to get any easier now that i've been introduced to the facebook ghost of people past.

grab the paddles...CLEAR!

.brightening.

let me tell you a little something about this picture. the friday after m&g's wedding, i was feeling a bit down because i really missed everybody. so i forced myself to change into an outfit that made me feel happy, put on makeup and actually go out and do some therapy shopping. i realized that if i didn't do that, i would be sitting home in my pajamas miserable. i was still sad, but it didn't sting as much. sometimes it's just the little things that you must do to keep your spirits up and to believe that there is promise in the day. it's amazing to think that people can go days without a single touch of another person. i bumped my chair into a classmate today and put my hand on his shoulder as i apologized. then i consoled another classmate when i patted her in reassurance that even though she was going to be missing the 80 degree weather this weekend, that she would have much more fun in baltimore. as i did this, i realized in renewed amazement how important touch is. gosh, i miss a good hug. so if you're reading this, and you're capable of doing so, hug and kiss all the people that you can. it's such a privilege.

.emo entry.

i'm so tired of feeling so dumb in this school. i am so tired in general. i cherish every single point i work for that it makes me so hard on myself when i miss the easy points. today i missed 2 points on my practical exam and was trying so hard not to cry in front of my lab instructor and partner. i'm struggling more than i thought i would, and i know it's only going to get harder from here. my heart feels like someone ran a knife into it. and mostly, i just feel alone. that's what makes it the hardest part, of going home to an empty house to talk only to be consoled by no one. and the only thing you can do is pick your sorry ass up and work harder, and do better. i should just shake it off, but i was never built that way. i unfortunately take so many things to heart, so all these feelings are not unfamiliar. i was hoping to be the kid that was able to smoothly ride their two wheeler bike on the first try. unfortunately i'm the one who has the skinned knees and hands. and i'll get up and try again, definitely i will, but right now i need that time out to cry and let it out and let it sting as much as it does.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I walk through the valley if You want me to

--If You Want Me To--Ginny Owens

.KIT.

keep in touch. for sure. isn't that why i inhabit this lovely part of cyberspace? well anyway, i'm starting to feel pressure to join facadebook. i figured that the space they said was mine was good enough, but honestly, it takes hella long to load up. i have no idea why, as if there are too many graphics on my page and i'using a 14K modem. oh man, remember those days? waiting an hour to download a wav file of some kai song and hoping that your parents wouldn't interrupt the dial up connection? those kids today, they're so spoiled! they just don't know how good they have it.

but what do i need to keep people up to date with? what could possibly interest
anyone that much about my life? i wake up, pee, wash my hands, shower or don't, change, eat, go to school, go home, study, eat, watch tv, blog, waste time on the internet, text, study, talk to peoples on the phone, floss, brush the teeth, gargle with vanilla mint listerine, change and call it a night.

not much there folks. i have saved the drama for my mama. so that's essentially in a nutshell why i don't need a book account so people can see how much i check them out or whatever it is that i hear you do on that page. i'm not sure if i'm getting at a point per se. i'm just rationalizing it all out. i dunno, i don't care if people know what's going on or not. not like i care either. oh wow, 87642 pictures i missed of your getaway to ::insert vacation spot here with people other than myself::. i'm not saying, i'm just saying. anyway, i'm a hater and i shouldn't knock it till i try it, but for the present moment, no tanks! i will have to be kept in the dark, and i'm okay w/ that.

the one thing i am really happy i never got rid of, is my xanga page. all the entries are private, but one day when i am SUPER bored, i will painstakenly transfer them over here. dated back to 2002, it has helped me figure out when things happen, and actually helped when i had to list my past 7 years of residence for my background check for school. oh that was a major beech. they charged me 12 dollars extra for multiple places of residence.

xanga excerpts from the past 6 years:

Sunday, September 23, 2007 .drip drip drip.
last week i had to go to quest to do a drug test for my new job at ***. so i walk in at 8:30am, completely forgetting that the whole test consists of me peeing in a cup. so i'm TRYING to pee, and it's not enough. so she has me drink water, and after 40 small cups, i'm just full and i cannot pee for a million dollars.

Monday, September 25, 2006 .oh canada.
so i'm a little wired, i've had 4 cups of coffee and i'm trying to flush this pansy accent that somehow infiltrated its way into my jersey steez. freakin canadians, now i sound so apologetic when i talk, like a sing songy. finally back home after a 2 hour delay. another wedding down, 2 more for the year to go. survived the weekend in toronto.

Thursday, September 22, 2005
if you had to step onto a new path, how would you go about it?
a. look for a job where you think you'll go to school
b. look for a job where you think you'd like to live
c. move to where you'd like to go to school and find a job there
d. take the job even though it's not where you want to live or want to pursue schooling, but you figure it's just a stepping stone
e. find a sugar daddy and retire.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
[Blow]
<--what a neat effect. i always wanted to know what i would look like as a cartoon.
[Grinder] Subbing has been fun. i really like my schedule as well as the teachers and the learning disability classes. i don't think i would accept it on a permanent basis. i don't know. maybe i'm afraid to commit.
[Archive] Funny what you write a year ago, even two years ago. Sometimes things don't change as much as you think they do. <-- I'll say!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 LETTER FROM GOD TO WOMEN
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.

Monday, September 23, 2002
everyone now. repeat after me:

i am beautiful.
i am a good person.
God only gives me what I can handle.
God loves me more than i'll ever know.
now take a deep breath.
repeat.
good. don't you feel better now?

.sick for...

.plate at the lightner museum.

at the cathedral this morning, i couldn't stop crying. i wasn't sad per se, but it was just one solid notion that hit me: i wanted to hug someone. i'm not talking in a romantic sense, but in the most basic of senses. i miss hugging a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a godson, a goddaughter, a tita, tito, kuya, ate and a friend. i miss basic affection. i miss giving lola sniffs, and tickles. i miss asking my den to give me a dora kiss, a yo gabba gabba kiss, a transformers kiss, a sponge bob kiss, a sesame street kiss a soft kiss, a loud kiss and a silly kiss. i miss squeezing onto one bed with the girls and talking lazily in bed about nothing and everything. i miss watching tv, haphazardly resting on someone's shoulder. as a former massage therapist, i've relied and in some ways, taken for granted, the act of touch. to go from that to solitude, is a very harsh adjustment. this is true loneliness. this is what kills nursing home residents, patients in long term care hospitals, and singles who go day in and day out without basic touch. thank goodness for faith. thank goodness for trips home. thank goodness for visitors. thank goodness for prayers.

.wrap up.

i'm 17 again, days before leaving for GW. tears, fighting, words of regret. "i can't wait until you leave". i remember how angry i was, how i barely said goodbye when they dropped me off in dc.
now i'm on the cusp of 29, leaving for Florida. tears, silent resentment, words of judgment on my end. "guess you're too busy to celebrate my birthday." why do we prove the corny ass saying that the more things change, the more things stay the same? we float in non overlapping circles. we walk on eggshells, afraid to say how we truly feel. why does it have to be so difficult? why can't i just be happy? why does it hurt so freakin much and have to be all too complicated? with all the affirmation i receive from my peers, it's forgotten in just one glance, one word, and or one inaction or action. if only my heart was like the sand, and the waves would just sweep it clean. gah i'm so freakin emo. it sucks. it really really truly freakin sucks. i cannot put my feelings into a proper language for them to understand. to truly understand and for once, see where i am coming from, that i'm not just some major B, wouldn't that be a great wonder. i give up. i surrender. i am done. i have no idea what is wrong with people this week. call it hormonal, but i feel like people i considered close to me, are so inconsiderate and rude. whatever, i'm not surprised but i just wish i didn't try to keep the faith with you. clean slate, clean heart. start anew tomorrow. last day of work, then mets game with some beautiful friends. gotta embrace the smallest of blessings that come your way, right? right. righttttttt.

.generation chasm.

not even a gap, more like two different universes with a slight whiff of exchange of particles once in an eclipse. how could we be so physiologically close and yet so emotionally different? how i could i survive 9 months in your womb, and barely survive 5 minutes in the same room? when did my cries become muffled in the noise of your daily life? we never claimed we would be best friends, you never offered to split a necklace with me, and in case you were wondering, i would've offered you the "st ends" side because i know you wouldn't want anyone to think you were being a fri. how could i judge you so harshly? you were too busy working hard to provide food, clothes, school for me, not knowing that meanwhile i rotted away in the inside. how could i ever question your decisions, after all, you tried the best you could and "it's too bad" i didn't get someone "better" to raise me. so here i am now, 28 years later. you told me that i should be taking care of you now, that it's my turn. you did your duty, you did your part. you were just teaching me how to be independent. don't rely on you, you have too much to do. to do for others, because others need you more than i ever needed you. hey shouldn't i be proud i'm so self-sufficient? hell, i could move 997 google map miles away for two years and be completely fine. people look to their own to be a support, a joy, a peace and a happiness and i'm so silly for wishing for such lofty things. how completely naive of me. i really should get my eyes checked, because i have been seeing the world through the wrong lenses. oh no, i'm sorry, you told me to seek professional help. i'll take that as loving motherly advice.

.can it lady.

i seriously wanted to b*tch slap this patient at work who decided it was in her best interest to 1. bring her baby to PT and 2. to think her daughter and relatives would be able to pacify cranky baby who was cutting two molars and just needed to be held by mom. it was nauseating to see this stupid heffer working out while her baby wailed her head off in the clinic. seriously? it wasn't cute crying or sniffles, it was WAILING. in the words of my sbff, "mute that *hit". of course i am way too nice to ever confront anyone, so i "ignored" it, just like everyone else in the clinic, but we were all thinking the same thing! i know i shouldn't be so judgmental seeing as i am not a mother. i know that taking care of a child is difficult, but come on now. get off the exercise bike and take care of your kid who is looking for her mom to love her! RI-DICULOUS.

I realized that all souls have more or less the same battles to fight, but no two souls are exactly the same.--St. Therese

so what are your battles? it's really easy for me to think that everyone around me has it so much better. sometimes i think i have it bad, but then i forget that someone always has it worse than me. and when you break it down, i really feel like all struggles seem to stem from one entity alone: love.
souls are born craving love. if they don't receive that amount that they need, all havoc ensues. evil is the absence of love. misery is the result of a miscommunication of love. we need to love a lot in order to make this world a better place to live in.

From the Gospel today: "This I command you: love one another." --Jn 15:17

.pretty girls need love too.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

...this is the part where the record needle scratches and the song stops. Maria, West Side Story, singing but only singing that she feels that way because of a boy? why can't she just feel that way on her own? but let me not take out my anger on the puerto rican sharks, because i feel her. i get it, or at least i've felt that way. there are beautiful women out there who don't think they're beautiful because they receive little affirmation from the people they secretly want to hear it from the most, and that would be their male counterparts. i'm not talking about the leering, cat calling, hooting and hollering "yo can i get some fries with that shake" kind of gentlemen who don't know any better. i'm talking about a simple compliment like, "you're really pretty." your girl friends can affirm you, your family can affirm you, but bottom line, are you trying to date them? i sure hope not, but who am i to judge? and call me old fashioned, but yes, the men need to step it up! they need to learn how to court a woman, how to treat her with care and respect. and women, you need to stop being so mean to the men. if a guy holds the door for you, say thank you, not "i can do it myself" and roll your eyes at them. you know what you just did? you made him slam that door in my face the next time. we need to go back to the basics. can you believe that there's a genre of men out there participating in a GAME of picking up women? that's just sad, but again, i don't place the blame on the men, it's just an awful generation of broken children not having good role models. the divorce rate is not as high as they usually report, but still, the effects of any divorce are not good.
wow, i really didn't know how i got to this thought, but yeah, the cynic here is trying her best to give the good guys a chance.

and yes, i will sing this song in my head today, sans boy verse, with MINIMAL resentment.

.bressings.

with all the isht that has been happening in MY own personal life, i just wanted to take a step back and remember the littlest things that made me smile today:
*finishing work at 230pm
*finishing leftovers from iberia peninsula
*being able to pay my credit card on the phone and having the fee waived
*reaching 77 degrees
*my friends calling me to say hi
*dinner at Ats house
*peanut giving me new ringtones
*going to adoration
*my coworker agreeing to work for me tomorrow

some days are just so much more difficult to feel grateful for. i know i am extremely blessed, but sometimes it's a challenge to feel blessed. i just want to feel happy without having to remind myself why.

.hurts.

time and time again, we are taught to live our lives to the fullest, with kindness and with love. sometimes we forget somebody, something, some day, some event, some date. The sooner the omission is detected and corrected, the better. It's kind of like knitting a sweater. If you spot a missed stitch right after you make it, you can simply unravel a bit of yarn and move on. But if you don't catch the mistake until the end, you may need to unravel the whole sweater just to redo that one stitch. we are unraveling, i am unraveling. it sucks, but it has to be done in order to perfect the masterpiece that He started in me from the beginning. i pray for the strength to persevere through all this, that He'll stay close to me and allow me to lean on Him when i am so incredibly weak and small. just need to rest a while. <3

.the present is a gift.

so i watched this, and i thought...gosh, i could've sworn i saw a toni braxton video just like this. and then i got kind of caught up in the time stamps. but i did truly love the message. tomorrow is not really guaranteed. sometimes i wonder when i wake up, is this just one more day that we won't know each other? and i'm wondering if he's okay, wherever he is, if he's even a notion at this point in my life. funny, but people mention that life is easy to live to the fullest even in singlehood. but really, it's just not the same. i get it, the grass is greener. but with all the frustration, all the independence one surrendered upon entering a relationship, all the dramatics and tears, there are few that would trade that for solitude, for being less loved. whatever His plan for me, well, that's TBD and i'm sure whatever it is, He's got a big order to fill. God's probably looking at my prayer for him and thinking, "uh, did i even make anyone like that?"
and that's the thoughts in the head of the practical hopelessly hopeful romantic.