.hands.

.view from our condo balcony.

vacay was a necessity that i am glad engulfed two weeks of my life. being in key west for 5 days before going to jersey was one of the best decisions i have ever made. i really needed to unwind from finals before going back to my loved ones and balancing out a hectic schedule in order to see everyone. maybe too, just to mentally prepare myself for whatever i was going to face.

i was in the car with my mom and as i told her a story, without thinking, i put my hand on her hand. i wasn't even aware of it until she pulled her hand away. this small action broke my heart all over again. it hurt, because i had almost forgotten how uncomfortable she is with affection. it hurt because i realized how much i still want it. and it hurt because it brought back a lot of memories of growing up and not fully understanding my mother, and not accepting her for who she is. yes, i took it quite personally, even though i shouldn't have. it's "funny" how a child's heart gets so wounded all too easily, and it's "interesting" to see how it affects how a person grows and thrives in the world.

so how did i become a loving person? the odds tell me i should've either been dead, institutionalized or a drug addict. but somehow, not only am i alive, but i love. i live to love. i understand love. i am surrounded by love. i can identify love. i advocate for love. if love was on trial, i would be testify for its defense, telling the world how important it is, how it's affected others. but...as much as i love, i feel unloved. i know i am loved, but i do not feel loved. perhaps i have difficulty accepting love. maybe that will change, and it is a big prayer of mine. gotta let the love overpower the yuck. gotta let go, gotta believe, gotta trust. <3