i had the most wonderful dream in my daze of 15 hours of bronchitis ridden sleep. i was standing in line to get into a museum or a show of some sorts and a handsome guy and his autistic brother were standing in front of me. and i immediately connected to the autistic brother. his older brother was touched that i was totally okay with his sensory seeking brother. then later in the same dream, i was bonding with a guy's daughter or niece. we ended up cuddling during the show toward the end of the dream. it was telling, as if i will attract my guy through the kindness he sees me exhibit through others. i don't do this consciously. i just try to be a kind person because i think it's the right thing to do. it doesn't hurt if a wonderful guy a consequence of all this service for the greater good though.

.ago.

i have a fear of looking up. one day i was at the mall with him, and i was hugging him goodbye. when i looked up, he looked me deep in the eyes, and if i had let him, he would've kissed me. the memory itself makes my chest tighten and my eyes well up. i had love at one point. i lived love. it was real. it was someone and something i could touch, something i could feel. it actually existed, and encompassed all 28 listed descriptions that are in the dictionary. and now, it's been a real long time since i've looked up. i'm still trying to find the courage to believe that i will be met with eyes of love.

...and when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning...-the alchemist

.trials.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

~Ginny Owens If You Want Me To

.hands.

.view from our condo balcony.

vacay was a necessity that i am glad engulfed two weeks of my life. being in key west for 5 days before going to jersey was one of the best decisions i have ever made. i really needed to unwind from finals before going back to my loved ones and balancing out a hectic schedule in order to see everyone. maybe too, just to mentally prepare myself for whatever i was going to face.

i was in the car with my mom and as i told her a story, without thinking, i put my hand on her hand. i wasn't even aware of it until she pulled her hand away. this small action broke my heart all over again. it hurt, because i had almost forgotten how uncomfortable she is with affection. it hurt because i realized how much i still want it. and it hurt because it brought back a lot of memories of growing up and not fully understanding my mother, and not accepting her for who she is. yes, i took it quite personally, even though i shouldn't have. it's "funny" how a child's heart gets so wounded all too easily, and it's "interesting" to see how it affects how a person grows and thrives in the world.

so how did i become a loving person? the odds tell me i should've either been dead, institutionalized or a drug addict. but somehow, not only am i alive, but i love. i live to love. i understand love. i am surrounded by love. i can identify love. i advocate for love. if love was on trial, i would be testify for its defense, telling the world how important it is, how it's affected others. but...as much as i love, i feel unloved. i know i am loved, but i do not feel loved. perhaps i have difficulty accepting love. maybe that will change, and it is a big prayer of mine. gotta let the love overpower the yuck. gotta let go, gotta believe, gotta trust. <3

.vulnerability.

i had to confess my age to yet another classmate today. most everyone i'm around is in the 22 to 24 age range. luckily they think i am too. sometimes i can't help but be jealous of all the years they still have ahead of them with their impending OT/PT/Dual degrees, while that awful double digit beginning with the number 3 starts to rear its ugly head in my life. i know i know, i wouldn't be where i was had i not gone through the other stuff yadda yadda, but still. i didn't think i would be "that" person i am now. i figured i would find my man during or right after college, spend some time dating while honing the career, then get married and be settled with or without the 2.5 children. by 30. at least that's what happened with a lot of my high school classmates that i caught up with during our 10 year reunion last december. and i seem to be a dying breed among my single girl friends. my wing women have gone up and "nested" with their new loves, while i face the uncertainty of a dating scene that speaks a different language than me, while i fumble with the translation guide.

maybe being typical or boring is starting to become quite okay with me. i'm not interested in being a reckless rockstar, or a free spirited traveler. i think it is just as spectacular to sit in a local coffee shop blogging while helping your husband with the morning crossword. my current place of residence doesn't help either that getting married at 21 is quite normal and my louisiana friend told me that in her hometown, 24 and unmarried is old maid status.

maybe the grass is greener. maybe i need to believe in my self worth without the validation of a man. maybe i need to just be okay with all these feelings and that there is no right or wrong, that there just IS, and it's okay to let people see that vulnerable side of me that cringes when a loved one tries to set me up with a guy, while wondering deep down inside, "maybe it will work out this time."

whatever the case may be, once break starts, i'd actually like to give this all some care and attention. and thanks in advance for being with me through it all. <3

.sucker.

okay, so i don't watch reality tv for the most part, because i'm usually using tv to escape reality. i'm also a bit behind the times and end up watching old reruns of csi las vegas, ny and miami, so i can't contribute to conversations about Lost, Heroes, 24 or The Office. BUT. as i channel surfed during a commerical, i came across the finale for the bachelor. i watched a little bit to get the gist of what was going on, and then switched back again when jason mesnick had turned down molly, and molly's monologue in the car. okay, so at this point, i felt for the girl, and she didn't get all crazy on camera. they pan to jason, and poor thing, he actually feels really bad about what he did to molly. aww cute, tears...then the sobbing. o_O. really? that's...not needed. maybe if his child, or parent or sick cancer ridden dog died, but really? so then melissa comes out, and he finally reveals to her that he's fallen SO in love with her, and that's when i changed it, thinking, okay, yay. LITTLE DID I KNOW! so yesterday, our class had a pizza party (it sounds like we're in 4th grade but i have little energy to explain) and i hear some of my classmates talking about it. well i thought i could put my two cents in when my girl broke it down to me. shocker! it was a lot of me with my jaw dropped with a couple of "no way"s and "shut the front door"s. which got me thinking today,
Jason Mesnick, thank you so very much for perpetuating the fear in a single woman's heart that something IS too good to be true, and that a guy apparently has a 30 day return policy on engagements. thank you so much for parading your son as a litmus for your love life, and i hope you are saving up enough money to send him to therapy one day. or maybe, the two of you could start a running tally of how many psyches you will continue to break down. that would be some great quality bonding with your son who doesn't know WHO to call mommy anymore. you are a true inspiration for all men who were teetering on that line of whether they should commit or not. you grounded them real well, and i'm sure they will feel so much better just staying on that line. that's great. after all, you did show them that they don't ever have to really face any consequences in love, just do what you want to do without concern about how it affects other people. you should be an inspirational speaker. today i do wish you and molly well, but who knows, i may change my mind about that tomorrow.

.retrointrospective.

i wasn't a mack mommy by any means growing up. i was nerdy and shy and awkward around boys and the first guy to ever express any interest in me was when i was 15. i didn't have a high school or college sweetheart. i was completely CLUELESS when a guy was interested. so i kind of missed out on that innocence of the feeling you had when your friend went up to you and told you that he was interested, and were you interested back? but i witnessed it and was sometimes the go between. i don't know what made me think of that today, maybe it was the spring/summerlike weather we were blessed with. it is my strong opinion with the realization that it's an obvious statement that everyone wants to be loved. i don't care who you are, or how hardcore you may present yourself to be, you want to be loved. you want someone to say that they love you, and that you mean something to them. okay, maybe i need to be specific, you want someone that you love or are highly interested in or attracted to, to tell you that they dig you/love you/admire you/really really like you, whatever level of investment you are at in this stage of your life. i mean, did you ever get ridicuously giddy when you found out the guy you've been crushing on likes you back? it was like you won some kind of lottery. what exactly is that cloud nine phenom? if only that feeling could be reproduced without the threat of rejection or hurt. maybe love is overrated. maybe it's been over dramatized and over produced like those chalky candy hearts and maybe it's high time i open my eyes to what IS. but it still makes me so day dreamy and idealize situations in my head that are so far removed from reality that it would do real well for a creative writing class.

i'm just being silly. okay, back to your regular scheduled programming.

.vocation.

it's just really interesting how thoughts in my head get somehow intertwined together in a weird sort of affirmation. yesterday i met up w/ mc at citywalk in orlando, which was about an hour and 1/2 drive for me and about the same for him from tampa. mc and i are good friends, and he's always had such a special place in my heart. i could say that there was a mutual interest but the timing was always off, and now he's happily settled with a gal he's been dating for 4 years now. it was honestly really nice to spend some time with him yesterday. we just walked around, ate, walked, talked, ate some more, and walked. as i drove home, i just pondered what God wants for me and where He wishes me to be. does He want me to be single? i'm afraid i just don't listen very well. i went to sleep thinking of that, and then when i went to mass, i thought about it some more. and then wouldn't you know, the pastor's homily was on vocations, and he brought up people who are single, and how they have the opportunity to "freely" serve others. mc asked if i was going to stay in florida after graduation. honestly, i don't know. there's always the notion of going back to nj, but i just don't know. i've never felt settled, like i wanted to stay in one place forever. i kinda have the heart of a missionary. the world needs so much help, and maybe this is God's gentle way of nudging me to not be attached, to not stay for any one person.

a couple of years ago, a guy from my past found out i was moving to maryland for a resident teacher program. he asked a friend of mine, "if i told her i was in love with her, would she stay?" the guy, being typical him, never brought it up with me directly, as it was my friend who recounted the story some time later.

the answer is no. jerk. man up.

random thought on the brain: why did the sign on the car for sale say "INCREDIBLE" as if i would want to eat the darn thing? o_O

.searching.

do you ever feel restless, like your heart is searching for something but you don't know what it is? i think that's why the internet can be so dangerous. there are times i just sit in front of the computer like some answer is going to just going to pop out at me. what is it? there's something nagging at my heart. maybe i'm overwhelmed with studying and i'm looking for a break, maybe i'm mentally looking for something to distract me and calm my nerves. maybe i'm looking for something to bring me a new sense of peace or happiness. being impatient or restless may be a sign i should shut everything down. walk away. find my peace within. yes. i will do that.

Martin: I guess old feelings die hard
Samantha: They don't die they just fade, and then you feel guilty that they faded as you wonder what they meant when you had them.

.faith.

dear Love,

i'm sorry for the loss you suffered today. i'm sorry for the newest addition to the countless numbers that don't believe in you anymore, that have watched as you were mercilessly beaten into an unrecognizable pulp. i'm sorry for your deep wounds, for the games you were forced to play, for the complexity you were drawn into. i'm sorry Love. i'm sorry for the fear that keeps people from knowing the real you, the pure unadulterated version of you. i'm sorry for the self-serving millions out there that use you for their own selfish means and destroy people in the process. if everyone believed in you, this world would be a different place. we would give you first dibs on everything. we would act only in accordance with your lead. we would ensure that you were well taken care of, that everyone had a chance to know you, to invite you into their homes. Love, i may not know the real you, but i hope to know you more and more, and to see you everywhere i go, within every person i encounter. i'm not ready to give up on you, and i hope you don't give up on me.

.tita.

continuing on, i'm that girl, the anniston, the sole single woman in picture perfect, the forever ninang and today, i'm seeing, the poor version of tita virgie of brooklyn. tita virgie is my mother's classmate from nursing school who never got married, has a crashload of money and spends it really well on herself. i'm talking $1500 prada "SLIPPERS [yes house shoes if you may]" kind of well, who buys hermes ties for her boss and just oozes money out of her pores. if only my mother had made her my ninang i would be so ridiculously hooked up. one day i asked my mother why she never got married. my mom replied, "i think she was too picky." now i go through daily rants about how extremely dense guys are, and i don't think i would ever lower my standards, but that scared me for a hot second. i'm sorry, but i don't want to be THAT girl. when i was younger, i was always the one of my friends that wasn't in a relationship. i got all sorts of unsolicited advice about how the right one would come along when i wasn't looking. so i didn't fall into the high school sweetheart saga, and then i gave college a chance. and apparently it was a fat chance at that. and i said to myself, there's still time, no rush, don't get discouraged, the right one will come along. but why couldn't it just be a no-brainer like many of my dear and wonderful friends that seemed to get paired off in a blink of an eye? did i miss the memo? or as my dear logorrheic friend commented, where the heck was the exit? maybe it was a mean jug handle on a highway in jersey. then that means my roots betrayed me. i can't help but be slightly pissed. seriously, why did i end up being that girl? didn't the Big Man read my pathetic journals about what i really wanted? i've probably wanted to settle down since the age of 4. (not be married though, but to already be with the one.)

my mother got married at 29 which was old for her generation, and i know i'm not going to be put out in pasture yet, but it's kinda like my maintenance required light that's been kinda appearing on my dashboard. i looked it up and the manual said that it was just my car's friendly reminder that in about 500 miles i may want to schedule an oil change. it's not urgent, but you may want to keep it in mind. my love life is not urgent, by any means, but i'm getting "friendly" reminders from the heart to pick up the pace a bit. maybe hang up the boxing gloves, dust off the charm a bit and start actually smiling at the opposite gender.

i would start a mutiny, but i love my men in uniform way too much.

.spiraling.

i'm at that age. i'm surrounded by 23, 24 year olds, and they don't ever make me feel old. in fact, many of them don't know how old i really am. but i'm at that age. the age where i should be married off with kids, or at least settled down with someone. you know how i know i'm at that age? i went to go visit a friend from out of town. i met up with him at his wife's cousin's house, and as i was walking up to the house, this guy was standing outside and i couldn't help but check him out. he directed me through the garage and i was introduced to him later. with his young son. doh! gahhh...i'm at that age. where i scan the left hand, where i check to see if he's in the place with someone. logging on to a networking page, only to find out he's married. he's got 2 kids. he lives in a house with a white picket fence and here's a picture of the ring he gave her. am i swimming in an emotional upstream? a sea of weddings, engagement parties, baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties. party of one, or in some cases, ostacy +1, ostacy and guest.

i'm fine, but i'm not.

.stupid.

stupid memories. stupid way the brain works. can't seem to forget the dumb stuff, can't seem to remember the stuff i need. let me let go. let me please empty that part of my brain so i can use it for stuff that will actually let me survive school. let me fill those parts with really good memories. stupid head, stupid heart. when will you ever agree with each other? why do you insist on egging each other on? why do you flood my senses with your mean anecdotes? bullies. sometimes i have mini mental heart attacks. it's kinda like some image, word, song or memory stabs me in the heart and i have to pause for a minute until it goes away. anyone else get this way? amel larrieux's "make me whole" creeped up on my playlist and i froze. i don't think it's going to get any easier now that i've been introduced to the facebook ghost of people past.

grab the paddles...CLEAR!

.rov.

we must move on, we must continue to love, most especially when we feel unloved. the most powerful weapon each of us has, is love. love transcends all boundaries and defies all limits. it follows no rules, so it is truly unpredictable. people use and abuse love, but love withstands it all. it will always win, and will aways be victorious. isn't that amazing? love will always win. no matter what. love will be my ally in all that i do, once i summon up enough courage to join ranks with her.

.dido.

i was watching regis and kelly yesterday morning because i was off from school and dido was the performing artist. she was amazing. i wasn't really paying attention to the tv, but then the lyrics started coming through and i stopped and listened because the words started hitting my heart. wow and wow.

click here for the regis and kelly performance

I wanna go to bed
With arms around me
But wake up on my own
Pretend
That I'm still sleeping
Til' you go home

Oh
I can't look at you
This morning
I should probably have a sign
That says
'Leave right now or quicker'
You've overstayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is safe for me
When I don't believe in love
You're too close to me
And that's why
You have to leave

Maybe I slept peaceful
On your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it's different now
It's morning
And I can't face your smile

The second that I feel
Your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You've ovestayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is new for me
Nothing is wrong for me
And nothing is real for me

When I don't believe in love
Why do you care for me?
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is real for me
If I don't believe in love
You're getting to close to me
And that's why you have to leave
And that's why you have to leave

If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love
You're too good for me

.drink it up.

saturday went out with a classmate to a local restaurant and pictured above is her white chocolate martini and my frappatini. this is the most expensive martini i have ever consumed in my life from the Tini Martini Bar. it was even more than a drink in the city, and that's saying a lot. i let the tourist trap take advantage of me, and that's fine, it was more about the atmosphere anyway, and i can now cross this off my list of places to hit. over and done.

i woke up this morning at 730am on the dot. kinda amazing that i didn't even sleep in. i've actually had a lot on my mind. i'm trying to figure out how i feel about a certain situation. it seems that once 2 months hits, i start booking it for the hills. i've never claimed to be good at commitment, nor at maintaining relationships. now that i'm down here for school, that's my priority. *sigh*. this poor guy.

hmmm, maybe the school took my heart along with my tuition.

.haunting.

like a plot line from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, i'd like to erase certain memories of certain people. there's one specifically, who seriously pops up at the most random times. there's still something about his name that emits some sort of emotion from me. it's been years, and so why won't he just go away? it's eerie stuff, like about a week ago, his name popped up, and so why then, did i get a text from him that night, after 2 months of no contact? crazy i tell you. so why can't he just go away? i'm almost embarrassed to admit that i still wonder about him, that i still regress to days of our carefree interactions in blissful ignorance. i can vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach, the intense joy of confessing our feelings for each other. i mean, maybe it was just one of those "young" loves, and i don't know about you dear reader, but young love, as reckless and as immature as it was, gosh, wasn't it just so exciting? do we just end up numbing ourselves as we age? as if, we have acquired so many layers of cynical maturity, that we just can't feel as acutely as we did 10, 11 years ago? is this just a silly hypothesis?

i sometimes wonder if i'll ever feel that deeply towards someone again. it's kinda like going on the best attraction at a theme park, and every other ride after that seems sub par. i don't mean to be crude in my analogy or sexual sounding, it's just how i sort my thoughts out. i am trying to be sincere, despite my indifferent facade. i'm trying to be open minded, and not over think, but i just can't help it.

is this it? should i really not expect anymore, and just be content with my life as it is?

.13 going on 30.

i've actually never watched the whole thing. the other day, i caught the end of the movie, and i was left wondering: what is it like to meet the love of your life when you're 13? it just brought me back to my own "childhood". i was an awkward ugly duckling who slowly shed herself of the glasses, braces, overgrown eyebrows and shyness by sophomore year of high school. i had my first kiss at 16, and of course at 29 i think that that is so young, but back then, i thought, "wow, there must be something wrong with me." throughout high school and college, i barely dated. i "missed out" on homecoming dances, football games, library study sessions, study dates, walking around monuments, and just being carefree and young in love. my outlet was writing. i poured all my thoughts out in journals, writing about life, people, faith, and love. conceptual, idealistic, confusing, and intangible aspects of love. in some ways i still do that. i'm still in wonder about it all, this foreign concept that's still dear to my heart. but that's life. we're called to be witnesses to different aspects of it, and the whole relationship arena was never a strong suit of mine. i guess we'll just have to see, right? i look forward to sharing more aspects of my life with you, as i continue on in my journey here in st. augustine. what i would do to transport you all here.

.pity party.

hi, my name is cynicism and i live in stace's heart. i provide the mortar for the walls that she builds around my home turf. i am often responsible for the meanest things that come out of her mouth, as is with many actions, as i control her, pulling on the heart strings like a true puppeteer. i often invite my friends disappointment and anger for afternoon tea. we just don't seem to leave stace alone. we shine our faces like it's our job. we give her no peace, because we are squatters, living rent free in a place that is not our home. i whisper words of discouragement in her ear, i tell her not to get her hopes up, and i tell her that she's not worthy of all the wonderful things in the world. not her. i dominate. i rule. i bring her down. "people are not to be trusted", i whisper over and over again.

making my way slowly but surely. i bought ice cream and chocolate chip cookies today to make myself feel better. tomorrow i'm getting a massage at boca. that should be awesome. i hope it helps take the ackies away. but i'm annoyed. i don't want to turn into that bitter mean person who complains all the time. it's a huge battle in my mind and heart. i hope the better part of me wins.

.truth be told.

i find this to be so accurate. hahaha...