.ago.

i have a fear of looking up. one day i was at the mall with him, and i was hugging him goodbye. when i looked up, he looked me deep in the eyes, and if i had let him, he would've kissed me. the memory itself makes my chest tighten and my eyes well up. i had love at one point. i lived love. it was real. it was someone and something i could touch, something i could feel. it actually existed, and encompassed all 28 listed descriptions that are in the dictionary. and now, it's been a real long time since i've looked up. i'm still trying to find the courage to believe that i will be met with eyes of love.

...and when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning...-the alchemist

.eggs.

one day, my guy best friend and i went through most of a carton of eggs trying to fry the perfect egg. by the perfect egg, i mean trying to duplicate the fried eggs his 3 aunts and parents managed to fry up almost identically. so perfect, we would get to the point that we would just have random cravings for his family's cooking.
well through this process, i realized just how many components are involved in frying an egg to make it the perfect egg. you need the perfect frying pan, the perfect oil, the perfect oil temperature, the perfect spatula, and the perfect execution, down to a certain way you flicked the oil in the pan. and maybe just cooking it with love. it's one of those great memories that reminds me how enriched my life has been and how i've been so blessed to meet and be selflessly included in people's lives and families. completely irreplaceable moments. and i know that there are still so many moments to live and to incorporate in the rich fabric of the memories in my mind, and i am definitely looking forward to them.

.zumba.

i went to my first class yesterday and it was awesome! i would recommend it for anyone that's looking to work out and learn some dance moves. we did the tango, cha-cha, salsa, indian banghra dancing, the jive and some other really fun stuff while getting our asses owned by the instructor. she can really shake it! i looked the fool up there but tried my best to keep up. then i had to cut out of the class early so i could make it to class on time.

i got my one of my 2 fieldwork assignments, and i'll be driving to gainesville every friday starting in february. not fun to drive 2 hours, but will be excited to work in the mental health area. i still don't know where i'm going for the 2nd one, but i pray it's an awesome site. we've been pretty jipped this semester in terms of opportunities to shadow what we want to do.

i was on xanga randomly last night and as i was reading through old entries, i wondered at where that "fun" stace went. i guess we all have to grow up sometime.

.stupid.

stupid memories. stupid way the brain works. can't seem to forget the dumb stuff, can't seem to remember the stuff i need. let me let go. let me please empty that part of my brain so i can use it for stuff that will actually let me survive school. let me fill those parts with really good memories. stupid head, stupid heart. when will you ever agree with each other? why do you insist on egging each other on? why do you flood my senses with your mean anecdotes? bullies. sometimes i have mini mental heart attacks. it's kinda like some image, word, song or memory stabs me in the heart and i have to pause for a minute until it goes away. anyone else get this way? amel larrieux's "make me whole" creeped up on my playlist and i froze. i don't think it's going to get any easier now that i've been introduced to the facebook ghost of people past.

grab the paddles...CLEAR!

.lose control.

there's this whole segment in kings of comedy where steve harvey gets all emotional talking about the power of music, how it's so true! lately i've been listening to pandora. if you haven't jumped on yet, it's a very witty smart online radio! put in an artist, and it starts compiling similar musical styles and artists. today i was studying with in the background, when wouldn't you know it, jodeci's "come and talk to me" starts playing. i took a moment to just bust out with a huge smile. oh the memories that were attached to that song! weak by swv is another classical memorable song and usually anything by babyface and tevin campbell. funny how you can hear a song and just be transported to another time and place. i'll forget the muscle actions of the rotator cuff that i've been studying for the past 3 days straight, but i can tell you the first time i ever heard "when can i see you again", the time of day, and who i was with. *sigh*. the brain is a funny thing, eh?

tomorrow i'll be observing at a florida school for the d&b. i am super excited! it will be a nice change of pace, and help build up my confidence and reaffirm why i'm in this program.