.better.

after yesterday's meltdown, i had beautiful friends console me via phone and it was just amazing. i am so incredibly blessed, honestly i am. they help pick me up when i have difficulty doing it. my friends believe in me and i don't want to let them down. i know i will get through it. i am trying my best and i know i need to try harder. i'm so thankful for the prayers, for the words of support. moving down here has only increased the gratitude in my heart for my beloved ones.
thank you for believing in me and most of all, helping me believe in myself.

.emo entry.

i'm so tired of feeling so dumb in this school. i am so tired in general. i cherish every single point i work for that it makes me so hard on myself when i miss the easy points. today i missed 2 points on my practical exam and was trying so hard not to cry in front of my lab instructor and partner. i'm struggling more than i thought i would, and i know it's only going to get harder from here. my heart feels like someone ran a knife into it. and mostly, i just feel alone. that's what makes it the hardest part, of going home to an empty house to talk only to be consoled by no one. and the only thing you can do is pick your sorry ass up and work harder, and do better. i should just shake it off, but i was never built that way. i unfortunately take so many things to heart, so all these feelings are not unfamiliar. i was hoping to be the kid that was able to smoothly ride their two wheeler bike on the first try. unfortunately i'm the one who has the skinned knees and hands. and i'll get up and try again, definitely i will, but right now i need that time out to cry and let it out and let it sting as much as it does.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I walk through the valley if You want me to

--If You Want Me To--Ginny Owens

.transplant gone wild.

it's been a very introspective weekend. on friday, i was feeling so funky that i made myself put on something nice, put on makeup and drive to jacksonville, even if it was to go to the mall to return stuff. then i found an awesome indian restaurant since there are NO indian restaurants in st. augustine, and if there are, they are hiding from me. i was pretty emo i must admit. yesterday i went to confession at the cathedral, and after mass, i walked over to the wine & tapas bar because it was my true intention to have some fresh sangria. but then i saw the gelato in the shop underneath the bar, and well, i haven't had gelato since i was in venice about 7 years ago. so i walked in and got coffee and peanut butter chocolate. and i did something that i probably haven't done since days on M street in dc, but i physically STROLLED around historic downtown, meaning i took my time walking, enjoying my gelato in the "fall" weather, observing tourists and window shopping. it was a nice change of pace since my brain was turning into gelato anyway. i knew i really needed this time to bring my spirits up since school has turned me into a miserable person.

gotta keep it fresh, right? i finally redeemed peanut's itunes giftcard and downloaded some "new" songs. i didn't really download any current songs, because i don't really like most of the current stuff, especially the "fast" music that i'm looking to run to. combined with some of the songs i already have in my itunes library, this is the playlist i came up with today:

Walk This Way-Run DMC
Headsprung-LL Cool J
Push It -Salt-N-Pepa
Passin' Me By- The Pharcyde
Yeah! - Usher
London Bridge-Fergie
Lose Control - Missy Elliot
Get it Shawty- Lloyd
Tipsy-J-Kwon
U and Dat- E-40
I'm a Flirt- R-Kelly
La La - Ashlee Simpson (okay i'm embarrassed by this one, but it helps me run!)
Just Fine - Mary J
Let's Get Married (remix) - Jagged Edge
Get Right - Jennifer Lopez
Damn Girl - Justin Timberlake
Big Head - Ms Jade

i would really love your feedback as to some songs that you would recommend that i can add to my running playlist! and if you need any motivation or tips, let me know too, because i want to feel needed in this world. hehehe... *sigh* i hate working out, but i know it's good for me since i have crazy body image issues.

=* happy sunday!

.the happys.

i'm sorry that i haven't been able to post till now about the awesome m&g wedding, but i finally can breathe since this is the first weekend in 3 weeks that i don't have an impending major exam. let me tell you that it was just a beautiful stressful experience overall. i have a suspicion that the color yellow just puts people in a better mood. from the bridal shower to the wedding, people just were so much happier, and everything was just so so beautiful. it was a just the right fall day to get married in, although this spoiled transplant was freezing her nickels off in the 65 degree weather. it still hasn't hit me that they're married. i don't know when or if it will hit me, since i'm so removed from it all. i'm so super happy for them though. they both deserve it, especially m, who's gone through a lot to make it to this day. just to see her smile the way she was, made all the stuff i had to go through to make it through for this wedding worth it. she's worth it. in the grand scheme of things, my issues were petty. school will always go on, learning will always going on, tests will always be there. a wedding is a one time event, or should be at least. i wish i had had more time to sit with the new mrs. c. gosh, i just really miss her right now. i'm hoping that they had an absolutely beautiful honeymoon.

right now i'm totally wishing i could be spending a lazy saturday afternoon playing wii or doing something fall-esque like pumpkin picking, going on a hay ride, or drinking apple cider with a freshly made donut. i keep telling myself this isn't forever. i just didn't think it would be this hard.

.haunting.

like a plot line from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, i'd like to erase certain memories of certain people. there's one specifically, who seriously pops up at the most random times. there's still something about his name that emits some sort of emotion from me. it's been years, and so why won't he just go away? it's eerie stuff, like about a week ago, his name popped up, and so why then, did i get a text from him that night, after 2 months of no contact? crazy i tell you. so why can't he just go away? i'm almost embarrassed to admit that i still wonder about him, that i still regress to days of our carefree interactions in blissful ignorance. i can vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach, the intense joy of confessing our feelings for each other. i mean, maybe it was just one of those "young" loves, and i don't know about you dear reader, but young love, as reckless and as immature as it was, gosh, wasn't it just so exciting? do we just end up numbing ourselves as we age? as if, we have acquired so many layers of cynical maturity, that we just can't feel as acutely as we did 10, 11 years ago? is this just a silly hypothesis?

i sometimes wonder if i'll ever feel that deeply towards someone again. it's kinda like going on the best attraction at a theme park, and every other ride after that seems sub par. i don't mean to be crude in my analogy or sexual sounding, it's just how i sort my thoughts out. i am trying to be sincere, despite my indifferent facade. i'm trying to be open minded, and not over think, but i just can't help it.

is this it? should i really not expect anymore, and just be content with my life as it is?

.elite.

so the exciting weekend of the union of m&g is finally here! unfortunately my flight has been delayed from 1:40 to 3:08pm. but we should still report to the gate before 1:40 in the case that that changes. today's just been strange. i went to class only for the professor to decide to not have it, then i got here and my flight's delayed. more time to study, right? or blog. so it's kind of times like this where i get all sorts of appreciative of our high tech era. i am not really tech savvy, but i think it's just neat that i printed out my own boarding pass, and now i'm sitting here outside of the gate check-in, using a free wi-fi connection, plugged into one of the walls here to save the battery, and listening to free music online. i look at myself sitting here with my laptop out, phys and anatomy notes out, ipod headphones in, and i'm just like, dude, i am the person i would make fun of back in the day. like, "ooh, they think they are so important!"

i'm tempted to change out of this dinner rehearsal dress, but i've already gotten some compliments on it today, so i'll enjoy being pretty for the day. besides, i need to work on accepting compliments and trusting in the male population without wanting to bite their head off the moment words come out of their mouth. case in point, i filled up gas at the station and went inside to buy some gum. a gentleman said hello and said, "girl you workin that dress!" instead of snubbing him or going into a feminist tirade, i simply said, "thank you!". i think us ladies need to give guys a break. they can actually and truly be sincere at times. i know, imagine that thought. take a moment if you need to digest that because it might be shocking to a whole lot of you.

sidenote, i HATE overt PDA. this girl in front of me does not need to be literally sitting on his lap and laying in his arms. seriously, stop it. holding hands, kiss on the cheek, peck on the lips--maybe, but that's where i draw the line. gah.

in other news, i wanted to blog this yesterday, but between packing and being in total shock, i didn't. so did anyone catch project runway's finale yesterday? this is when i really lament living alone, because i needed other people (who care) to react with. kinda like when clay aiken declared he was a father. but anyway, whoa-mg, leanne won. really? why? her line was sooooooooooooooo boring! korto and even kenley had in my opinion, more interesting lines, but i guess in a bottom line fashion point of view, it all comes down to who's going to be long term successful, and i guess in that aspect leanne has it because she has awesome technical skills. it must be hella hard to make pleats like that! bet you never expected me to be such a fan, but supplies! AND i followed the continuation of top design right after. it's no wonder that i have to physically put a note on the tv saying not to turn it on.

okay, off to the gate.

i'm so excited to be coming home to my dirty jerz. hope it's not colder than sweatshirt weather because then i'll be fished out of luck.

.joy.pain.

observation was super cool today. i was at a school for deaf and blind kids, and it was so so very awesome. i want to go back and observe some more, and perhaps submit paperwork so i can do my internship there. i just fell in love with the kids there. this school is the largest of its kind in the united states. this is where ray charles went to school. neat, right? i could go on and on about how freakin awesome this school is. oh, and it was 10 minutes away. oh and i felt so extremely blessed to attend this site, as there were only 2 from my school assigned there. so booyakah, i was so so so happy, and i don't care that i've used the word "so" 394857 times. (finally, something about my grad program to make me smile!)

so while i was there, my hot best friend leaves me a text which states, "let me know when you got a free sec, got some cute news for you." as i was leaving, i called her, and before she could say anything, i said, "okay, so tell me who's either pregnant or getting married." she just starts laughing, because i was right, her sister-in-law is due in april. so true though, right? seems we're at that age. yuck and yuck.

.lose control.

there's this whole segment in kings of comedy where steve harvey gets all emotional talking about the power of music, how it's so true! lately i've been listening to pandora. if you haven't jumped on yet, it's a very witty smart online radio! put in an artist, and it starts compiling similar musical styles and artists. today i was studying with in the background, when wouldn't you know it, jodeci's "come and talk to me" starts playing. i took a moment to just bust out with a huge smile. oh the memories that were attached to that song! weak by swv is another classical memorable song and usually anything by babyface and tevin campbell. funny how you can hear a song and just be transported to another time and place. i'll forget the muscle actions of the rotator cuff that i've been studying for the past 3 days straight, but i can tell you the first time i ever heard "when can i see you again", the time of day, and who i was with. *sigh*. the brain is a funny thing, eh?

tomorrow i'll be observing at a florida school for the d&b. i am super excited! it will be a nice change of pace, and help build up my confidence and reaffirm why i'm in this program.

.espn.

sundays rarely fail to surprise me. it seems there's always something that just wows me and i can't help but marvel at His goodness. so i pulled myself out of bed this morning and made it to mass at 7am. that in itself is some sort of miracle. then as i passed a gas station, i swear the price had gone down 20 cents. miracle!!! so since it's 7am mass, there's no cantor or music, and as the priest walks in, for some reason, "holy God we praise thy name" popped into my head. i mean, really, now why would that jam pop into my head? anyway, i kinda just sat through mass and tried to focus on everything although my mind had 49726 thoughts racing through it. well fast forward, mass ends, and a sans music mass usually just has the congregation walking out as soon as the priest makes his way down the aisle. well this gentleman in front of me busts out with, you guessed it, my jam! i was ecstatic. i couldn't believe it. he was like, psychic!

it's sunday and now i'm crying because extreme makeover home edition is on and it's the episode where they build camp heartland in ny and a house for a single mom with 4 adopted kids. crazy waterworks!

happy sunday.

.brachial plexus whackness.

i'm in serious slow mode here at school. some people just get it, and then there's me who's scratching her head wondering why all her dedicated hours of watching csi, law & order, without a trace, criminal mind, and house, seem to be for null. is that even the saying? oh lawd, i have just studied myself stupid. maybe it's too many dry erase fumes. i used to be so much more fun. i used to talk about sports, politics, gossip celebrity figures, and useless facts. now i find myself just making fun of myself. it's quite destructive i must say. i swear, i used to be more fun. st. augustine stacy is so lame-o. jersey stacy would never hang out with her. or maybe she would pull st. augustine into NB pub and buy her a drink or two or 5, while introducing her to bombnass jersey peoples. it's quite sad really. i put makeup on this morning just to change things up a bit. i went to leave, caught my reflection and went to wipe my eye because i saw a dark spot...which turned out to be bags under my eyes. fail!

i swear, i used to be fun...

.ball of soundness.

i was just thinking that sometimes i feel so overwhelmed, and the only thing i can think of that makes me feel better is to just find a nice corner of a couch, wrap myself up in a down blanket and read a good book or sleep. it's a security of mine, it's a way of escaping this world that seeks to bring me down at times. i don't want to doubt myself anymore. they wouldn't have asked me into this program if they didn't think i couldn't hack it. so what's the problem then!?!

it's just that i want to wrap myself up in a blanket and make the world go away right now. i want it to make sense right away. i want to banish all the smart people that get 102s on their practicals because they answered the two bonus questions. i want to cover my ears and muffle the sounds of congratulations and satisfaction. i want to feel as good outside my blanket, as i do inside. i want clarity and conviction. i want excitement and inquisitiveness.

i want to succeed more than i can or you could ever imagine.

.done.

my lab practical went well, although it was strange: i missed the easiest things, like bony landmarks. i could identify muscles, but i couldn't figure out the bone on the thumb. but overall, i think and hope i did really well. i've been staring at these freaking structures non stop for the past few days. it should be interesting to see what stays and what i forget by tomorrow. so i have two exams coming up, and this time around, i'm determined to rock them. in the same breath, i'll be up in jersey next week for a wedding of a dear friend. i feel so bad that i'm so in my own world that i haven't been psyched up for it. i'm sorry dear m for so selfish, and that the timing of things SUCK! please dear friends, no one get married until 2010, or else i might not be able to go. sometimes i feel like i'm putting my life on hold just for school. it's icky, and it's a reality, but not. i mean, this isn't "real life". real people get to go out and have fun and be able to go to their friend's wedding without having to take a proctored exam the next morning. freakin ridiculous. i pray it's all worth it. and i really do miss you. sorry for my lame update!

.love yourself.

The meaning of love is to sacrifice yourself.

St. Therese of Lisieux

i saw this reflection and it brought me back to my meeting this morning that i had with my physiology professor where i was determined not to break down, and then proceeded to cry when i tried to tell him that i am hardest on myself. i felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest when i explained to him that i have no friends or family down here, but that i am trying to make this place my home. and he just let me cry as i kept apologizing for crying and trying to compose myself enough to get some words out of my mouth. i was glad i talked to him though, because he helped me reaffirm the belief that somehow along the journey, is starting to slip from me. and i want to do so well. oh my gosh, i want to really wow everyone. i don't want to be the dumb girl.

this song has been helping me through the week:

"You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews

I search for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name sayin

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life

You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life

Faithful and true... Forever, For my love will carry you...

You're not alone, for I... I am here, let me wipe away your every fear... Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through your darkest night,

Your darkest nights, And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life