.thirty.

my best friend turned 30 yesterday and we celebrated by talking for about 5 minutes until she decided to hunt down a smoothie. i never imagined it would be like that, then again, i never imagined me calling her from florida and she answering the phone from her purchased home in pennsylvania. 30. i've known her for over 29 years now. yes, i am dreading it so much i decided to leave the country and celebrate in puerto rico. that and attend a wedding. okay, so i'm going to PR for the wedding, not my birthday which happens to be the day of the wedding. so luckily i will be distracted, and hopefully enough that the 30 won't sting so much whenever i have to declare it. 30. i feel it already, the senses are going, the joints are creaky and the muscles are sore. babysteps to acceptance, i'm getting there. i'm trying to be okay with this journey, trying to unload bags of regret and bitterness so that i'll feel lighter. speaking of which, i thought i was doing well with the working out thing until i weighed myself at the gym and had gained 4 pounds. not so good. anywayyyy, this is my post for july. i will try my best to be grateful for just another day to live instead of mourning the steadily increasing numbers. i will try.

.indulgence.

.Brooks Ghost Running Shoes.

so i made my one major purchase since the new year began, and that would be my running shoes. since i have no recollection of when i bought my asics and they were literally worn down, i felt quite justified in going to a store that didn't have the words foot or locker in it, and actually had a real person help me. they took a foot impression and fitted me with shoes that were appropriate for my type of feet. then they had me run around in them until i settled on a pair. i felt completely spoiled, and felt good about supporting a local business. it was very "road runner"esque. the road to slim stacy has been bumpy, lumpy and slow. i'm 2 pounds away from the 10 pound mark and i'm hoping to get there by the end of the month, especially now that midterms are over. besides, can you believe i haven't hit the beach yet? i dare not venture out in bathing suit attire. so when i'm sweating and craving the WORST foods (see below), i keep thinking of being on the beach. i know, i'm so vain, but this is what's honestly been running through my head when i'm working out and hating every single minute of it.

so that's what's been going on in the my world. oh and can i take ONE minute to discuss how annoying i find it that an asian crew has won america's best dance crew for the 3rd season in a row? i will delve later, but yeah, annoying. <3

.project.

remember when i posted about strolling the streets after church? yeah, this was part of my view, around sunset. something so truly amazing, and yet something i have to try not to take for granted.

since it's a new month, i think i'm going to try to post more of st. augustine so you have a better visual on what i see on a daily basis. i actually don't have a camera because i've always been lazy and relied on other people to take pictures. since i don't quite have that luxury, my camera phone will have to suffice and so i apologize in advance if the pictures come out lame. i know school consumes my life, but i'd actually like to start a new project of some sorts, and i'm trying to figure out what i'd like to pursue. it would definitely have to be something fun yet productive that makes me feel like i've actually accomplished something. i've been toying with the idea of knitting prayer blankets, but that would involve time to actually sit and knit, which i don't know if i can hack, especially if they have to be done by a certain time. i've thought about baking or cooking more, but that's a bit steep on the wallet, and i'd probably end up eating everything and i'd actually like to avoid that. so i'll think about it more. i've been running more, which is always a positive. who knows, maybe one day i'll start to enjoy exercise. at this point in my life, i've come to understand and believe that anything is truly possible.

.elite.

so the exciting weekend of the union of m&g is finally here! unfortunately my flight has been delayed from 1:40 to 3:08pm. but we should still report to the gate before 1:40 in the case that that changes. today's just been strange. i went to class only for the professor to decide to not have it, then i got here and my flight's delayed. more time to study, right? or blog. so it's kind of times like this where i get all sorts of appreciative of our high tech era. i am not really tech savvy, but i think it's just neat that i printed out my own boarding pass, and now i'm sitting here outside of the gate check-in, using a free wi-fi connection, plugged into one of the walls here to save the battery, and listening to free music online. i look at myself sitting here with my laptop out, phys and anatomy notes out, ipod headphones in, and i'm just like, dude, i am the person i would make fun of back in the day. like, "ooh, they think they are so important!"

i'm tempted to change out of this dinner rehearsal dress, but i've already gotten some compliments on it today, so i'll enjoy being pretty for the day. besides, i need to work on accepting compliments and trusting in the male population without wanting to bite their head off the moment words come out of their mouth. case in point, i filled up gas at the station and went inside to buy some gum. a gentleman said hello and said, "girl you workin that dress!" instead of snubbing him or going into a feminist tirade, i simply said, "thank you!". i think us ladies need to give guys a break. they can actually and truly be sincere at times. i know, imagine that thought. take a moment if you need to digest that because it might be shocking to a whole lot of you.

sidenote, i HATE overt PDA. this girl in front of me does not need to be literally sitting on his lap and laying in his arms. seriously, stop it. holding hands, kiss on the cheek, peck on the lips--maybe, but that's where i draw the line. gah.

in other news, i wanted to blog this yesterday, but between packing and being in total shock, i didn't. so did anyone catch project runway's finale yesterday? this is when i really lament living alone, because i needed other people (who care) to react with. kinda like when clay aiken declared he was a father. but anyway, whoa-mg, leanne won. really? why? her line was sooooooooooooooo boring! korto and even kenley had in my opinion, more interesting lines, but i guess in a bottom line fashion point of view, it all comes down to who's going to be long term successful, and i guess in that aspect leanne has it because she has awesome technical skills. it must be hella hard to make pleats like that! bet you never expected me to be such a fan, but supplies! AND i followed the continuation of top design right after. it's no wonder that i have to physically put a note on the tv saying not to turn it on.

okay, off to the gate.

i'm so excited to be coming home to my dirty jerz. hope it's not colder than sweatshirt weather because then i'll be fished out of luck.

.mental therapy.

i hate running, but when i do it, i feel better. i hope it becomes an addiction where i'm willing to get up at 5 in the morning in order to fit it into my day. people say that running is boring, but when i'm running, my mind is racing even faster with a million and three thoughts. i've mentioned it before, but it's also a mind game. i tell myself to run to the corner, then when i'm there, i say that i can stop when i get to the end of the block, and when i get there, i say that i can go just a little bit more to the stop sign, and i do this over and over again so i can get through my run. anger at the world helps me. every single negative person that i have ever encountered is just waiting at the finish line so i can strangle them. every single negative comment resonates in my mind and i crush each one with every stride. like with most things, it's a complete love-hate relationship. poor boys, they don't know what's coming.

.vanity.

i hate running. i do. i hate working out. i find no joy in exerting more energy then is possibly needed. but for the most part, i run because i don't have to think about it, count reps, or switch to a new activity. i run. my trusty ipod and nike+ keep me going and motivated, and i am going to reveal what goes on in my mind when i run.

basically, my playlist is hip-hop and reggae save for ant farm's "smooth criminal". this genre keeps me motivated because i picture myself dancing in a club/lounge and i'm trying to look good. the only thing that keeps me running is pure vanity. today was rough, i ran about 3 3/4 miles, and walked a bit to make it 4. towards the end, i had to make myself angry to keep running, so i started thinking of people and situations that make me angry and dude, next thing you know, i was running because i was fired up. i think i even called myself fat at one point. i know, not exactly the most mentally healthy thing to do, but it pushed me another 500 feet up my hill to my driveway. just as a disclaimer, i don't offer this as advice, i'm just trying to tell you a story. but yeah, thought you would enjoy a glimpse into my world.

.baggage.

.nicole & i about to board the ferry from greece to italy. i think. june 25,'01.

one of the greatest gifts that nicole afforded me, was the chance to go backpacking through europe upon graduation, with her best friend and another acquaintance. i will always cherish my 5 weeks in greece, italy, germany, belgium and amsterdam. we really did carry all our stuff around with us. 5 weeks of clothes, a sleeping bag, toiletries, a towel, sneakers, flats and my tevas. some days it didn't seem like much, other days, i was just plain tired of constantly safeguarding my things wherever we went, and would've gladly given it all away. it's surreal, these 7 plus change years reminiscing about past times, about adventure, about living life to its fullest instead of worrying so much, being so particular about life, needing to play it safe when all we needed at the time was to secure a hostel for the country or city we were perusing.

at the clinic today, one of the aides called out sick so i was running around trying to juggle the needs of the patients and the therapists. as i ran over to one of the patients, he looks at me and goes,

"slow down. i am tired just watching you."

there was so much concern and sincerity in his voice. and of course it was all because of my perfectionist tendencies, to please everyone at my own expense. forbid i keep anyone waiting or not be on top of everything. so i stopped, and said, "i know. i can't help it, but thanks."

maybe there's more urgency. it seems that as one ages, we become so much more aware of the fragility of our lives. there's just too much to do, and we're living on borrowed time. when you put things that way, it's a great way to take more chances. who ever knows when they'll be taken away for all eternity. my mom has the right idea. shower, put on clean clothes and makeup, no matter where you are going, or how late you are. i have a notion that my mom attributes my singlehood to a lack in personal care, and not that i'm going around looking like a ragamuffin, but there are times i just don't put too much thought in my appearance. if the clothes are clean or even semi-clean, i've flossed and brushed my teeth, and the eyebrows are not jumanjiesque, that's a personal achievement. wow, maybe my mom does have a point. well then, if it's that important to her, then she can financially invest in allow me to be high maintenance. she can fund manis and pedis, cut color and styling of my hair by a level 8 stylist, and make sure that my bags and shoes always match. to some, this is is just basic care. to me, it's just money i don't have to spend. call me crazy, but i'd like to be able to afford oh i don't know, gas for my car, food for my tummy, plane tickets to interviews and of course, application and transcript fees. luxuries my dear. i don't even use the word enough to spell it comfortably (and yes, i just thought out com-for-ta-bly).

and despite all this talk, incidentally, i'm getting a haircut tomorrow. why am i so nervous about bangs? it's like a bad crush.

.substance.

so in the siliest of sillies, st. augustine asked me to send them a picture of myself. this seemed easy enough, until i realized that i hardly ever do solo shots, and when i do catch myself in a pictorial shoot, it's at some fancy shmancy event, a club, a wedding or a bar. so i started clicking through the pictures, and wow, i was either posing like an idiot, hooched up, drink in hand, looking half naked, or any of those combinations. not a very good representation of a promising candidate to a masters program.

i finally edited and cropped a picture from, strangely enough, the end of the belmar bartour on the beach. yeah, go figure. pictures. oh the memories.

one of the questions that has floated in my head during this whole defense of character aka interviewing and applying, has been the substance of my character. what am i made of? i mean other than sugar and spice and everything nice, but really. what defines me? what are my skills? my strengths, my weaknesses? i'm jill of trades, master of none. i have no artistic eye, i can't sing very well, i need to follow recipes to cook, i need to look at a meal plan guide to figure out what to eat, i definitely have no knack at keeping in shape, unless you count round.
so let's see.
i am good at sleeping, eating foods that are not good for me, drinking coffee, drinking "other beverages", reading, procrastinating, wearing flip flops, driving, multi-tasking, being a therapy rehab aide, putting puzzles together, making messes, and following directions.

hm, yeah.

.what dance was this?.

whatever it was, i had a whole "i love you" signing of the hand as a way of showing my appreciation for the song. i'm usually annoyed with action dancing shots (reminiscent of countless cotillion pictures that never really captured the moment of that waltz/cha-cha/turn into modern moment) but i just smiled when i saw this, and really wanted to know what song got us so hyped! notice the girls in the background looking at us with either confusion or annoyance. get it over girls, you got maryland/virginia/dc ladies representing.

so it started as a joke about how i kept posing for candids, and then turned into a model shoot. the only problem is, that i don't have a model's body. so, i post this with the humiliating motivation to get myself into shape. thanks monica, for capturing such great moments of the night. you truly have inspired me, more than you can imagine.