.trials.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

~Ginny Owens If You Want Me To

.vanity.

i hate running. i do. i hate working out. i find no joy in exerting more energy then is possibly needed. but for the most part, i run because i don't have to think about it, count reps, or switch to a new activity. i run. my trusty ipod and nike+ keep me going and motivated, and i am going to reveal what goes on in my mind when i run.

basically, my playlist is hip-hop and reggae save for ant farm's "smooth criminal". this genre keeps me motivated because i picture myself dancing in a club/lounge and i'm trying to look good. the only thing that keeps me running is pure vanity. today was rough, i ran about 3 3/4 miles, and walked a bit to make it 4. towards the end, i had to make myself angry to keep running, so i started thinking of people and situations that make me angry and dude, next thing you know, i was running because i was fired up. i think i even called myself fat at one point. i know, not exactly the most mentally healthy thing to do, but it pushed me another 500 feet up my hill to my driveway. just as a disclaimer, i don't offer this as advice, i'm just trying to tell you a story. but yeah, thought you would enjoy a glimpse into my world.

.who says you can't go home?.

.empire state building.

i'm sure in some way, we are all held in a certain light or esteem. as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a relative, a godmother, employee and student, i am expected to respond in each situation in the appropriate manner. after a harrowing incident with my uncle, and a 14 hour drive home with my parents, i gained a lot of clarity into my life. and i know now, more than ever, that i'll be okay. for so long now, i've always worried about not performing up to someone's standards, but now, it doesn't seem so important. if i did SOME good, it's better than none. if i made one person smile, it's better than making ten cry. if i made one valiant successful attempt despite my 70 mistakes, i'll take it. i'm not perfect, and someone will always find some sort of fault in me. that's okay. i'd rather they criticize me, then let me live my life in total ignorance.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

i just "get it" now.

.anger management.

so i went to a diner w/ a dear friend on tuesday night and it was the regular 11:30pm diner crowd of a younger population that were looking to satisfy late night disco fries cravings. well at one point, and elderly asian couple sits in the booth behind us. that in itself was a little odd, but i didn't really pay them any mind. well they get their food, and it looks like some sort of steak with a side of string beans, again, not a typical meal at such a time of night. at the end of their meal, they have their leftovers wrapped up, and a manager approaches them, having been summoned. trying to use as much of my eavesdropping skills as possible, the woman explains that the food was horrible. the manager is very diplomatic and professional, and patient. i can see that she's trying to get a free meal out of him and he's not buying it. if the food was so bad, he would have gladly replaced it and not charged, but the problem is, they ate it, AND they're taking the leftovers home. he needs to charge them! she's fighting and trying to negotiate. he can offer 10% off, no, not 50%. after this exchange occurs for 15 minutes or so, he walks away. she sits there, and takes the bag of leftovers, and slams it to the floor! THEN, she walks over to it, and CHUCKS IT against the wall. omg, i was ready to call the cops! the guy stands up and sighs, and walks after his wife. the waiter walks over, and pockets the tip, the only thing they have chosen to pay for. not that there were eyes on us after this exchange, but in that moment, i was embarrassed to be asian. that doesn't happen often, but yeah. i was embarrassed.

the elderly are such a delicate and misunderstood population, that don't receive nearly as much attention, care and respect as they should. in my "youth", i volunteered at nursing homes, and one day, i looked at my father and said, "i don't want to ever put you in one of these." as he ages however, and is becoming more and more stubborn and hard-headed, i use it as a threat, as well as the possibility of shipping him to the philippines. the elderly are as needy as babies but with the resiliency of an adult. with that, is the ongoing power struggle and patience that are demanded of working professionals and their friends and family. sometimes it becomes too much and they become alienated and overlooked. it's a sad sad phenom that most of us will be confronted with at some point.

so was i looking at a future glance of my mother and father? perhaps not, but in my deepest and darkest of fears...yes.

.solitude.

.The Ellipse, Washington, DC 5/20/01.

i was cleaning and came across this picture from graduation day at GWU. i'm pretty sure my dad took it, perhaps amused at my annoyance that as it was pouring, i couldn't find my family in the crowd. the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone...whoa whoa whoa whoa...the cheese stands alone. alone. it's quiet right now, family's out and i'm here at the house. it's quiet. i'm alone. i'm used to this. when i was younger, i didn't really have a lot of friends, and honestly i don't know if that was just a filipino thing, because my mom wouldn't let me join girl scouts or play at people's houses or other stuff that kids do from what i gather. sometimes i would play with the kids in my neighborhood until we moved to a more isolated street. so instead, i spent a lot of time writing, reading, thinking, wondering about this world we live in, pondering my future, healing from my past and surviving for the present. was it just me, or did i have a weird childhood? solitude. some days i prefer it, other days i wish it wasn't such a default. another look...man i look pathetic. where the F are you? it's like i'm always searching...maybe i'm just waiting for someone to find me.
secret: i used to make up imaginary friends so i wouldn't feel so lonely.

"Let us love, since that is all our hearts were made for."

St. Therese, The Little Flower

.insomnia.

it's odd. for someone who loves to sleep, i go through occasional bouts of insomnia. there's no rhyme or reason to it. sometimes i watch something, read something, listen to something that has me in a state of wonder. and the mind goes and goes, wishing it could get rid of half the garbage that fills it. the most destructive things i do, are watch old "ed" episodes on youtube, and listen to slow jams while i write/type. when i'm really up for punishment, i watch "the notebook" or "walk to remember" just because i'm masochistic like that. i'm so freakin nostalgic it hurts. i have the biggest love/hate relationship with the stars in the sky. where i live, there are no street lamps, and when the sky is clear, the stars are so pristine. i absolutely hate it. i can find the north star and Orion's Belt and my heart pains at the connection to old times. freakin memories. i'm looking forward to flooding the heart and mind with new ones. whenever that decides to happen. meanwhile, i close my eyes and hope that i don't have the same dream i had the other night with my lolo alive and healthy while my lola was sickly in bed, when in my reality, my lolo intercedes in heaven for me and my lola is alive and well in the philippines. i'm going to disclose a secret to curious eyes before i sleep and do with it what you will.

.i want my sole surviving grandparent, my grams, to meet my husband.
.but i'm so afraid that if she doesn't, that i'll be even more bitter than normal, and more than likely, very very angry at the world.