.insomnia.

it's odd. for someone who loves to sleep, i go through occasional bouts of insomnia. there's no rhyme or reason to it. sometimes i watch something, read something, listen to something that has me in a state of wonder. and the mind goes and goes, wishing it could get rid of half the garbage that fills it. the most destructive things i do, are watch old "ed" episodes on youtube, and listen to slow jams while i write/type. when i'm really up for punishment, i watch "the notebook" or "walk to remember" just because i'm masochistic like that. i'm so freakin nostalgic it hurts. i have the biggest love/hate relationship with the stars in the sky. where i live, there are no street lamps, and when the sky is clear, the stars are so pristine. i absolutely hate it. i can find the north star and Orion's Belt and my heart pains at the connection to old times. freakin memories. i'm looking forward to flooding the heart and mind with new ones. whenever that decides to happen. meanwhile, i close my eyes and hope that i don't have the same dream i had the other night with my lolo alive and healthy while my lola was sickly in bed, when in my reality, my lolo intercedes in heaven for me and my lola is alive and well in the philippines. i'm going to disclose a secret to curious eyes before i sleep and do with it what you will.

.i want my sole surviving grandparent, my grams, to meet my husband.
.but i'm so afraid that if she doesn't, that i'll be even more bitter than normal, and more than likely, very very angry at the world.