.hill.

so i skipped sculpting and abs and felt super guilty about it, so i will definitely have to make up for it tomorrow during zumba. and just so i wouldn't feel so bad about skipping, i organized the spare bedroom into an office and made sure i loaded the dishwasher. so yay, i'm typing this from my desk and new office chair i assembled from staples. i just need to buy a desk lamp and maybe put up some shelves or bring in a plant to liven up this room a bit. i have no eye for interior design. i am every HGTV's dream, because i would leave it up to the people to just do it. i've been trying to find some inspiration, on a more economical side. i have found that i am a natural-pottery barn-french country shabby chic style. i am more a fan of the wood then of glass and metal. things can look good, but they have to be really comfy! i think it's interesting to see how my friends have decorated their abodes. i love seeing their personalities come out in their homes.

funny enough, just organizing this room and clearing some "work space" has made me more motivated to sit and study. it's nice to feel somewhat organized. i just need to steer clear of computer distractions, like blogging. haha...but it's different! anyway, i just wanted to report on the happenins. it's not much like the exciting lives of my friends and loved ones, but oh well. it's something.

daily mass at 7am. <3

.sweet.

i just lost my whole post, and it's kind of funny because it had to do with being happy and a lot of questions on the brain. maybe it wasn't meant to be posted, but oh well. maybe if i'm in the mood later, i will retype it. one of the things i was thinking about was how much as of late, i realize how nostalgic i am. i long for situations and people that made me feel at peace, and really happy. i should really follow my own advice and try to make each day better, but sometimes it's just really hard. i've stumbled a lot on this path, but i'll get there. =*

.indeed.

i recently had an exchange with a "friend" that upset my sensitive soul and had me wondering about the type of friend that i am. i randomly texted her and asked forgiveness for not being able to meet up while i was back home in jersey, and honestly, it was a really nice text where i tried to affirm her, that even though i didn't see her, she was still special to me. well i got a not so nice text back where it seemed like she tried to make me feel bad. seriously, what is that? what kind of friend is that? and if you had such a problem with me, then why didn't you approach me about it sooner? i've made my own mistakes in friendship, but the ones that have stayed in my life, God knows that we've learned from each other how to be better people. isn't that what friendship is about? friendship is about lifting each other up, not stomping them to the ground and making them feel like failures for not bending over backwards for them. friendship is character building and unconditional love. that's why some friendships last and some don't. if there is no growth to be had, then the friendship falls away. it's like going through your phone and deleting entries because you really can't remember the last time you talked to that person, and even if you were to call them, would you have anything to talk about? some people just aren't "forever friends", and i need to accept that too, for people that i am no longer close to. maybe my purpose in their life has been fulfilled and they now have other people to minister to them in a capacity that i cannot. and i can't take that personally, that's how life rolls along. i need to trust that God will bring the people i need into my life and that i will take good care of them as well.

not only is january 2009 a time to make resolutions for the whole year, more than ever, i have realized that every day is an opportunity to become a better person, to recognize one's own flaws and faults and improve on them. i may get it wrong every single day, but i need to at least acknowledge if i had tried to get it right.

it's about hope for humanity. there are some really good people out there. we need to give them a bit more credit.

happy birthday MLK. thanks for the lessons.

.blueprint.

culturally i've been brought up to help people in need. that was drilled into my head by parental figures who have/had health care backgrounds. help others before you help yourself, and put yourself last. parents can be funny, they want so much the best for their child, but then put them on a path rather than letting them journey the one that God created for them. they put them on the safe, secure and standard way because that's what a parent is supposed to do, protect, care and nourish their child. but there is a fine line between guiding and steering a child. when the parent finally lets go, sometimes a child feels lost because they've been told what to do from the very beginning, or the path that they were meant to take is now strewn too heavily with weeds and debris. it's a true blessing when a child becomes a mature individual who dusts off their internal compass and starts to listen to their Maker's voice and not their parents'. i am slowly getting there and again, God is just awesome because He knows how us humans screw up all the time, so i feel like although He has a blueprint and a path for us, there's always more than one way to get there. for me, i've taken the very long journey. when i was little, i wanted to be a doctor because i wanted to help people. i remember being so excited to be old enough to volunteer at the hospital, and i couldn't wait to dedicate my life to becoming a missionary and doing social work and volunteering all around the world. this was free of any influence, this is what sang true in my heart. well as you can imagine, this was not acceptable to my parents who had worked so hard to provide a "better" life for my siblings and me, and they expected me to pursue a career and dream that would lend itself to stability and financial independence. my father told me that i wasn't wrong to have the dreams i had, but i needed to do something that would be able to put food on the table, then i could do what i wanted to do. again, understandable. and it had to be convenient. i was only allowed to volunteer at the church, because it was closeby and i could walk if i needed to. the hospital was too inconvenient for someone to drive me to. so rather than be angry about it, i learned that it just wasn't meant to be.

as you can imagine, i struggled with my dreams versus reality and now have found a happy medium. i know that as an OT i will be able to serve the needs of many people and help them become more independent in a world that doesn't always nurture them. and as long as i can gain my financial indpendence from my parents, then will i be truly able to follow through with my dreams and God's plan for my life. that's the only thing that matters to me, is making Him happy. i can forgo things of this world, if only to gain more love from Him. honestly. i know then will the joy return to my own heart.

.zumba.

i went to my first class yesterday and it was awesome! i would recommend it for anyone that's looking to work out and learn some dance moves. we did the tango, cha-cha, salsa, indian banghra dancing, the jive and some other really fun stuff while getting our asses owned by the instructor. she can really shake it! i looked the fool up there but tried my best to keep up. then i had to cut out of the class early so i could make it to class on time.

i got my one of my 2 fieldwork assignments, and i'll be driving to gainesville every friday starting in february. not fun to drive 2 hours, but will be excited to work in the mental health area. i still don't know where i'm going for the 2nd one, but i pray it's an awesome site. we've been pretty jipped this semester in terms of opportunities to shadow what we want to do.

i was on xanga randomly last night and as i was reading through old entries, i wondered at where that "fun" stace went. i guess we all have to grow up sometime.

.keeping.

so i went to kickboxing on wednesday then ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill thursday. i need to keep on keeping on because i have made enough excuses and i am a poor role model to my future patients. i'm actually trying to watch the rest of this phoenix denver game which went into overtime. i really don't follow it like i used to, and had a very interesting conversation with a dear friend about fantasy sport leagues and how they have caused the demise of team loyalty. i miss watching sports with a sig fig. stupid memories.

thoughts on the brain:
is there a protocol for when you drive next to or are stopped at a light next to a car with the same make model and color as your car? i was in that awkward situation today. it made me feel like i showed up to a party with the same dress on.

what does it mean if you don't feel settled? am i doomed to have no permanence in anything?

.saddle.

so i went to yoga last night, then today ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes and followed it with a sculpting & abs class taught by a classmate of mine. she totally kicked my ass. i didn't realize how weak i became from being sick. blah. i'm dreading the fitness profile that i will have to do next week. can i please have another month to prepare for it!?! and in case you're wondering, i did not enjoy one minute of it, except for when it was over. but it will pay off, just like everything else that seems impossible right now.

i'm tired. it's time for bed. =)

i miss you!

.vocation.

it's just really interesting how thoughts in my head get somehow intertwined together in a weird sort of affirmation. yesterday i met up w/ mc at citywalk in orlando, which was about an hour and 1/2 drive for me and about the same for him from tampa. mc and i are good friends, and he's always had such a special place in my heart. i could say that there was a mutual interest but the timing was always off, and now he's happily settled with a gal he's been dating for 4 years now. it was honestly really nice to spend some time with him yesterday. we just walked around, ate, walked, talked, ate some more, and walked. as i drove home, i just pondered what God wants for me and where He wishes me to be. does He want me to be single? i'm afraid i just don't listen very well. i went to sleep thinking of that, and then when i went to mass, i thought about it some more. and then wouldn't you know, the pastor's homily was on vocations, and he brought up people who are single, and how they have the opportunity to "freely" serve others. mc asked if i was going to stay in florida after graduation. honestly, i don't know. there's always the notion of going back to nj, but i just don't know. i've never felt settled, like i wanted to stay in one place forever. i kinda have the heart of a missionary. the world needs so much help, and maybe this is God's gentle way of nudging me to not be attached, to not stay for any one person.

a couple of years ago, a guy from my past found out i was moving to maryland for a resident teacher program. he asked a friend of mine, "if i told her i was in love with her, would she stay?" the guy, being typical him, never brought it up with me directly, as it was my friend who recounted the story some time later.

the answer is no. jerk. man up.

random thought on the brain: why did the sign on the car for sale say "INCREDIBLE" as if i would want to eat the darn thing? o_O

.floody.

so i don't know what's going on, but i'd like it to stop! first, on wednesday night/thursday morning, the handle on a cardboard box holding 4 bottles of my precious sittui wine broke and dropped to the floor. miraculously, only 1 bottle broke, and it was the one i was least concerned with. despite my relief that 3 bottles were saved, i still had to mop up the broken bottle of wine...at 1am. then i had to be up for an 8am class. LOVELY. then last night, in my attempts to make tomato soup from scratch, the lid flew off, and there was a murder in my kitchen. then when i attempted to puree the rest of it, the plastic handle of the lid dropped in and the blades pulverized it. i had to throw the batch out because i wasn't in the mood to try to fish out mini pieces of plastic. then i burnt the tortilla and the broccoli for the broccoli and cheese quesidillas i was trying to make. i'm telling you, i have no idea.

tonight i kind of want to stay in, the headache is coming back again, i don't know what's going on. rough start to a new year. i'm trying to stay positive. really i am.

=/. have a good weekend?

.pounding.

i kinda wish my head would stop pounding so i can function without wanting to take my head and ram it into the screen. i was feeling a little dizzy before and thought if i laid down and slept a bit, i would wake up feeling like a brand new person. but i woke up and hated the world. nothing looks appetizing either. do you ever get like that? i just went grocery shopping and the fridge is stocked, but opening it made me nauseous. i don't know what that means, so the hot tea with honey consumption continues, interspersed with pirate's booty, which reminds me of the cheese curls i would eat in the philippines. it's a weird comfort food.

classes went relatively well today. it was good to see my classmates again. in the first class, the professor has each one of us say our name and what we did over break. mine was classic. "i'm stacy, i drove home to nj, was sick every single day, drove back to florida and don't want to do that ever again." that was the best i could do which didn't seem to compare with the first girl who announced she got engaged over break, or the guy who went on a cruise to the bahamas. whatever, i could tell how jealous they were when i shared.

go gators. i don't know what that means, but i'm rooting for this florida team because i'm trying to be a local.

plus: didn't junk out on food today.
minus: didn't work out because i wanted to pass out.

.alante.

well hello st. augustine. not much has changed since i last saw you, although the warm change in climate has been a happy welcome home present. it's interesting, this life of a transplant. i had a 2 week break from individuals i see almost everyday here in school and saw loved ones at home that i haven't seen in months. when i got back last night, i was over at a friend's house (gosh, that's nice to say, seeing as i've been referring to my peers as classmates and peers) and caught up with some other...well, yeah, friends. we gave some happenings in our lives from back "home" and it was just pretty awesome because it's like we lead these double lives. here in st. augustine, to them i'm still the same whacky stace with her "stacyisms", but they don't get to be privvy to the familial part of my life that my darlings at home do. just as they get to share the lives they've in a sense left behind to pursue their degrees down here too.

and let's talk about the packing and driving. first of all, i have way too much "stuff" that i don't have the heart to throw away. i tried to bring more with me which was a huge advantage of driving, but i have a feeling that when i move out, i will need a moving van or a uhual because it is not going to fit in my suv. having moved about 15 times in the past 11 years of my life is no easy feat. i've never had the opportunity to feel settled. even here, 1 1/2 years isn't long enough to start painting some walls and getting cozy. so things stay in storage, waiting for their moment to shine again, hoping to be remembered and cherished by me.

LV to edison took 45 minutes. edison to alexandria took 4 hours. alexandria to st.augustine with a total stopping time of 3 1/2 hours took 14 hours. yeah...i left alexandria at 4 am and with stops and traffic in jacksonville, got to the house by 6pm. i was a little delirious. it wasn't bad, but thank goodness for ipods, and being catholic because i went through all 4 mysteries of the rosary and the divine mercy chaplet.

being sick through the whole break was awful. i felt awful, and got everyone around me sick. i had no motivation to shop and now still owe christmas presents. i still feel woosy, but i'm not coughing as much. i couldn't get through a conversation without coughing. i still sound like a man, but that's getting better too.

i don't really make resolutions in the beginning of the year, moreso because i try to make resolutions everyday to make the next day better. unoriginally, i do want to get into shape because i was kinda grossed out at the holiday pictures. ugly christmas sweater or not, i look and felt so frumpy! so that's gonna be it. i'm going to be a better student, kick total ass this semester, work out religiously, and be a better vegetarian.

and not be on the computer as much...right. haha...that's a good one.

.foreboding.

ersh, it's my last weekend before going back to school. just stayed in and bummed out on the couch. i know i should've taken advantage of it, but i really did need to rest and stop spreading my germs. not until today did i realize how much i've been running around and not sleeping well at all. then parentals left for the philippines and it's kind of sad how much we didn't see of each other. well hopefully they'll visit me in the spring because they still have their tickets to redeem. we shall see because my mom doesn't like to travel without my dad. one of my resolutions for 2009 has been to emphasize the positives and minimize the negatives. i really want to try to stress the good memories instead of letting all the hurtful ones pierce my heart over and over again. i want to fill this blog with happy news, just like the ones i get to read on my friends' blogs. 2009, i want you to be my happy head over heals year. please, i need that.

.new.

so i'm awake, after attempt 23746 to fall asleep without wanting to rip out my lungs from coughing. i've been sick since i've been home and again, major apologies to my friends that i got sick. i'm hoping to shake this before school starts because i have crappy health insurance in florida and i'd rather try the good ol tussin.

so happy new year. i hope that 2009 has been good to you all so far. i can't really think straight right now, but i just wanted to say how thankful for all the blessings that have come my way. i don't deserve anything at all, but i have somehow been showered with so many beautiful blessings through my friends, that they help remind me how much life is worth living. gosh, it's sometimes all we can really do, is to recognize and cherish that which keeps you going each day.

=*