.trials.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

~Ginny Owens If You Want Me To

.last.

okay, my last distraction and then time to sleep. sometimes i simply marvel at where i am in my life and who's been and is in it. one of the hardest parts for me is to let go of my past, and to see it as a learning experience and to know that brighter days are ahead. sometimes on especially silent days days of solitude, i can't help but compare it to the countless days it was like that growing up. not really the best memories and i felt so unloved by God. but now i'm able to realize that God has been so good to me by giving me quality and not quantity in my friendships to help make up for being somewhat friendless until i got to high school. it's amazing how alone i felt, and it still makes me kind of sad thinking about it. i'm glad those days are over, and i don't have to worry about those days anymore, that if i ever feel down, i have a really really good group of friends i can turn to. i'm not trying to turn this into a pity party, i think i just want to acknowledge it, get over it, and move on. and not just that, but really appreciate what i have now, to know that i was never promised anything or guaranteed anything. it is i who owe everything in this life to Him. i just want to make Him really proud of me. when i start to feel slighted in this world, lonely, unwanted, forgotten and abandoned, i take a step back. i check myself and get my head straight back on that path. <3
one more final!

.divine.

it's divine mercy sunday, and today is the feast day of st. faustina. i really like the words "divine" and "mercy". it's powerful when you put the two together, because divine means to come from directly from God and mercy means compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power. it's His divine mercy that shows His compassion on our souls. isn't that awesome? i'm glad to have His compassion especially now with the way i feel, unmotivated, inadequate and frustrated with my level of intelligence. i'm probably not the woman He ever intended for me to be, but i'm thankful for His patience that i can keep trying. i'm thankful for my faith that helps me take each day at a time, because that's all i can really handle most days. i may be snubbed by others, and maybe even looked down, but all that matters is His opinion of me. no one else's. i really do need to remember that. anyway, back to studying, until the next distraction. <3

.answers.

so it's approaching the end of Holy week and soon Easter will be here. i've been going to church all week long since my lenten commitment to go every morning fell somewhat to the wayside once midterms came around. then daylight savings time came around, and the notion of getting up by 630am was too daunting. but i knew it was important for me to make it this week. it's actually around this time that i really miss my catholic buddies. i was thinking about how that and wouldn't you know, one of my PT filipina buddies who i haven't seen in a while, "sst"ed me yesterday and starting laughing when i turned around. we started catching up with things and had a really great conversation about faith. how awesome is that? if i don't talk to you, enjoy the weekend, and happy easter to you and your loved ones. =*

.stone.

"To live by love is to go through life sowing peace and joy in hearts!"-St. Therese, The Little Flower

i really like this quote. i think a lot about the people that i've encountered, and i can only hope it's been a positive impact. um okay, sorry for the interruption in this blog, but there's an erectile medicine that's covered by medicare. that's what this commercial is telling me. i'm afraid to post the link because last time i talked poorly about something, all of the sudden, i got really random people replying and i don't want the pp police coming after me.

ahem, so anyway, yeah, i'm really grateful for the people in my life. i can only hope that i can do for them what they've done for me.

=*

.smile.

as i walked into the classroom to take my wellness exam, my classmate was walking towards me in order to throw something away. she gave me a look, then said, "oh come on, SMILE!" i sheepishly apologized for some reason. but she made me realize something about myself, gosh, do i look that depressed that people need to remind me to smile? maybe i do need to smile more. so that's what i'm doing for lent among other things. i am going to sacrifice my pride and make it a point to smile, no matter how bad the ish hits the fan. i don't like the pessimistic person that i've become. so i will try. <3

.sacrifice.

"I wish to smile, resting on Your Heart and there tell You again and again that I love You, O my Lord." St. Therese, The Little Flower

sacrifice comes from the heart. sacrifice is doing something that is difficult for you to do, but you do it anyway, because you are doing it for love. it took me a lot of years to understand what sacrifice meant. i always thought it was some lofty guilt trip thrown in my face by my parents to make me feel like i was spoiled or taking them for granted. however, i am slowly understanding what they were trying to emphasize.

we sacrificed for you.

isn't that plain as day? it's not to make me feel bad, but because that's what you do when you love someone. you try to forget about your own heart's desire and do what you can for the heart of the one(s) you love, because they need it more than you do. on occasion, i start to get self-absorbed and throw myself a pity party. i'm human, that's fine. but once it starts becoming perpetual, well, that's when i need to take a step back and re-examine my life. i may not smile like i used to, and maybe part of the spark that i used to have is dim, but as long as i keep on serving with a good hearted intention, then i hope and pray it will all be worth it.

in this lenten season, i hope that the next 40 days that you wander will be fruitful upon its completion. i pray you that peace will penetrate your busy heart and mind and bring you back to the home of the heart you long for. <3

.mine.

david haas did it again at church. i know i've mentioned this before, so please excuse the redundancy. i've been so angry this whole week. i struggled with my exams and didn't do as well as i wanted to. i had studied and studied, and it seemed for naught. i felt so alone in everything that i went through and it just seemed like one thing after another was happening to me and only me, like i was being picked on and kicked while i was down, while everyone else around me went unscathed. i was super groggy this morning after sleeping through the first alarm, and grudgingly got myself to the 9am mass. it's like i didn't care, that my heart was that jaded and broken, like what did it matter if i was there or not? He obviously doesn't care about me one bit. And i listened to the readings with a stone cold heart. then we prepared to go up for communion. the notes on the piano started and my heart jumped back to life. this song ALWAYS gets me. what i love is that it's not just me. at the end, you could hear a chorus of sniffles and men and women discreetly wiping their eyes and pretending something was interesting on the ceiling. everyone wants to be wanted and loved, and this morning i didn't feel so alone. <3

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

.fruit.

my beautiful friend nicole had baby number 2 on thursday. i kind of teared up reading and looking at the pictures because i miss her so much and i want so much to be there with her. and i'm so happy for her and she truly glows in her pictures. she's definitely one of my friends that grows more and more beautiful each day. she's also an amazing mother, and it's because she told me one day that she loves being a mother. i think that's really important. if you love what you do, it shows through your actions. some just weren't "made" to be parents, but we're all different and unique, called to serve in many ways. while i was reading her blog, i came across a link she posted for baby gifts. i thought, wow, cute...and then i looked at the owner, and wouldn't you know it, it's nicole's sister-in-law, who i also went to college with. amazing. i love when i stumble across stories of people who are doing what they love. it inspires me to keep on searching for what i love to do and to somehow con someone into paying me to do it. more than anything, it inspires me to keep molding my life into something worth reporting on. although my life feels like it's on hold while i get the school on, there's still much to do. there's so much i still need to live.

catholics have a part of their faith that believes in a purgatory, a prep station so to speak before being able to enter heaven. it's there that any impurities of our bodies are purified by fire. it's there that souls ask for prayers from the living because they cannot pray for themselves to be released. so in a way, we agree to pay their debt. each time you suffer, think of offering it up for someone who cannot speak for themselves. offer it as payment in love. then it doesn't seem so bad.
i'm not trying to push my beliefs on anyone either, i just love sharing my faith. regardless of what you believe, the one truth that ever exists is love. we need to love one another more, and let it spread like wildfire. in which do you gain more? when you love someone who already knows how to love, or when you kill someone with love, breaking down their walls and fears?

we need to keep the love alive.

.space.

this was my view on my way to school one morning. i couldn't help but take a picture because it was truly breathtaking. i'm a big nature appreciater, meaning, i'm not necessarily the camper-walk-through-the-grass-barefoot kinda gal, but i LOVE star gazing, moon gazing, sunset gazing, rainbows and such. i think what i love so much about it, is that it helps me feel connected to something greater. it renews my faith, because it makes me think about Him wanting to make us happy, to create something so beautiful that would remind us of Him. whenever i get all granola happy, i think about all the places i still want to see in this world. i don't want to keep on waiting. i want to do it while i'm still healthy and able to carry a 30 pound pack on my bag while trekking up a trail on a mountain in ecuador. i want to appreciate that i still have all my senses, that i can see, hear and feel these things. we just gotta live our lives, and it's unfortunate that we get all sucked into our work worlds that a lot of the time perpetuate monotony. so i will try too, to get out there, to not be afraid to get my hands dirty and to take the time to gaze at the stars a bit more.
go ahead, find Leo's Heart tonight.

.why i do.

i was cleaning out my inbox when i came across a forward from dear bean, and she reintroduced me to this amazing father son duo. i watched the video and was bawling. gosh, if you ever want to see what love looks like, then this is it. if you ever lose faith in men, in husbands and fathers, watch this. if you forget your faith and want to see how much Jesus loves you, it's kinda like this. it was perfect timing with 2 exams, a practical and 2 quizzes looming this week. as nervous i am, it helped reaffirm my passion for why i'm in school, how i want to be an instrument, a voice for those that have no voice. even more than ever, there's this renewed sense of hope among americans, belief that we live in a country that will gives the means to fulfill your dreams, goals and ambitions. i am among them.

.espn.

sundays rarely fail to surprise me. it seems there's always something that just wows me and i can't help but marvel at His goodness. so i pulled myself out of bed this morning and made it to mass at 7am. that in itself is some sort of miracle. then as i passed a gas station, i swear the price had gone down 20 cents. miracle!!! so since it's 7am mass, there's no cantor or music, and as the priest walks in, for some reason, "holy God we praise thy name" popped into my head. i mean, really, now why would that jam pop into my head? anyway, i kinda just sat through mass and tried to focus on everything although my mind had 49726 thoughts racing through it. well fast forward, mass ends, and a sans music mass usually just has the congregation walking out as soon as the priest makes his way down the aisle. well this gentleman in front of me busts out with, you guessed it, my jam! i was ecstatic. i couldn't believe it. he was like, psychic!

it's sunday and now i'm crying because extreme makeover home edition is on and it's the episode where they build camp heartland in ny and a house for a single mom with 4 adopted kids. crazy waterworks!

happy sunday.

.love yourself.

The meaning of love is to sacrifice yourself.

St. Therese of Lisieux

i saw this reflection and it brought me back to my meeting this morning that i had with my physiology professor where i was determined not to break down, and then proceeded to cry when i tried to tell him that i am hardest on myself. i felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest when i explained to him that i have no friends or family down here, but that i am trying to make this place my home. and he just let me cry as i kept apologizing for crying and trying to compose myself enough to get some words out of my mouth. i was glad i talked to him though, because he helped me reaffirm the belief that somehow along the journey, is starting to slip from me. and i want to do so well. oh my gosh, i want to really wow everyone. i don't want to be the dumb girl.

this song has been helping me through the week:

"You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews

I search for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name sayin

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life

You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life

Faithful and true... Forever, For my love will carry you...

You're not alone, for I... I am here, let me wipe away your every fear... Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through your darkest night,

Your darkest nights, And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life

.first day again.

so today was my first day of classes. somewhere in the stress of needing to get all my paperwork squared away, i missed the memo about coming to the class at 10 instead of my assigned 8am lab section. so i was here hella early...and embarrassed. went home and took a nap, woke up, got to class...again. sat next a louisiana girl who was just really sweet. people here are very...southern. the physiology professor was really nice, although i just need to get used to his nigerian accent. the one thing i absolutely loved about him was that he talked about my man Jesus. it's so refreshing to hear someone be so open about their faith without worrying about "offending" someone. he said, "as for my hero, my hero is Jesus Christ." he also sings in the choir at a catholic church. totally awesome. we have a lunch break at 12 everyday, and since i live 2 miles away, i just went home for lunch. so, all in all, as a transplant, i'm trying very hard to be friendly, trying to be nice, trying to be open to making friends, and trusting in humanity.
pros: really helpful faculty
cons: you're not here.

.church on.

yesterday tasha and i ventured over to ponte vedra beach and it was...weird. we couldn't find a public access beach! it was all private or residential. eventually we were able to park, but then my stomach had a fight with lunch, and our visit was cut short. it's kind of difficult to explain my total confusion with the beach. i'm so used to parking somewhere, often paying, and having a boardwalk with entrances. not here. no such thing as a boardwalk. i just don't get it. hahaha. i was truly frustrated!

this morning, tashers and i trekked up to the jacksonville airport, where i sadly bid her adieu. i watched the sun rise as i drove "home", and sketched out the rest of my day in my head. i went to the Cathedral Basilica for mass this morning, where Bishop Galeone was the celebrant. one of the neatest things about this mass were the two deaf interpreters that stood in front. i was completely mesmerized as i watched them translate the mass into sign with a number of about 6 people signing back. i kept tearing up because i saw so much love in these gestures, these beautiful people wanting to express their faith and unity with the congregation through sign. i'm still in total amazement of where i am. they catered krispy kreme and coffee afterwards, and i stole a little glazed delight before heading back to the house to get out of the heat and to do more unpacking.

i'd still really like to locate my printer cable, because i think it's with my makeup bag. ::shaking head:: it's a funny thing, this whole moving business. the things i don't need seem to be in total abundance, and the necessities are hiding! it seems more real now that i'm alone for the first time since i got here, but i'm still surrounded by so much love. i'll meet with my "big sister" for lunch tomorrow, and i'm really grateful to be attending a school that really looks out for its students. can't say i felt the same kind of love at gw. it's just a different environment.

.last call.

just to end this weekend off with a positive note, i almost died today. i'm not trying to be dramatic, but it's the truth. seems eerie reading my last entry, because i felt like i was holding on for dear life. i was on the parkway driving south and was on this mother bridge in the right most lane. well this b*tch ass car swerved into my lane. i swerved to avoid it, and for a hot second, my car was teetering back and forth before i finally got control. i held my heart and was shaking for the next twenty minutes. all i kept thinking was, "i could've fallen off that bridge". that's it. that would've been the end of me in less than 5 seconds. it's a totally sobering thought. just when i think i'm ready to go at any point in time, i'm reminded that i still have so much to contribute in this life. yes, i do want to live a long life. i honestly never thought that way before. back on track to do my part in making the world a better place. i just want to make Him proud of me.

.can it lady.

i seriously wanted to b*tch slap this patient at work who decided it was in her best interest to 1. bring her baby to PT and 2. to think her daughter and relatives would be able to pacify cranky baby who was cutting two molars and just needed to be held by mom. it was nauseating to see this stupid heffer working out while her baby wailed her head off in the clinic. seriously? it wasn't cute crying or sniffles, it was WAILING. in the words of my sbff, "mute that *hit". of course i am way too nice to ever confront anyone, so i "ignored" it, just like everyone else in the clinic, but we were all thinking the same thing! i know i shouldn't be so judgmental seeing as i am not a mother. i know that taking care of a child is difficult, but come on now. get off the exercise bike and take care of your kid who is looking for her mom to love her! RI-DICULOUS.

I realized that all souls have more or less the same battles to fight, but no two souls are exactly the same.--St. Therese

so what are your battles? it's really easy for me to think that everyone around me has it so much better. sometimes i think i have it bad, but then i forget that someone always has it worse than me. and when you break it down, i really feel like all struggles seem to stem from one entity alone: love.
souls are born craving love. if they don't receive that amount that they need, all havoc ensues. evil is the absence of love. misery is the result of a miscommunication of love. we need to love a lot in order to make this world a better place to live in.

From the Gospel today: "This I command you: love one another." --Jn 15:17

.hands off.

one of the greatest life lessons i have been privy to lately is that of acceptance. i know some may not have a deep rooted faith, and that's okay, but it might be a little more difficult to grasp otherwise. that's simply because when you accept something, you basically surrender and lift the situation to a higher power. and the greatest thing that comes with acceptance is that of grace. this is so powerful to me, because i have mucho control issues. i want so much for things to go my way, and sometimes i try to nudge things in one direction, rather then letting it take its course. all this has done has caused me a lot of disappointment and frustration because it's not going my way. sometimes people just want to be a superhero, to be able to save the day, save the situation, to alleviate a concern. there's a fear of disappointing people, of showing weakness, the fear of being judged as indifferent or uncaring. however, if you have the grace to accept the situation for what it is, you submit yourself to the humbling notion that you are, essentially nothing. i'm not saying you abandon someone or leave them hanging, but you just gotta work within your limits and boundaries, respecting the bigger picture and the higher authority. i don't like authority. i don't like when someone tells me what to do. i don't like when i feel like someone is judging my actions. but true devotion and faith is about submitting to the Father's will, and trusting in His ultimate plan. He sees all, He knows all, and He corrects everyone, in His own time. sometimes i need to just remember that.

.who says you can't go home?.

.empire state building.

i'm sure in some way, we are all held in a certain light or esteem. as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a relative, a godmother, employee and student, i am expected to respond in each situation in the appropriate manner. after a harrowing incident with my uncle, and a 14 hour drive home with my parents, i gained a lot of clarity into my life. and i know now, more than ever, that i'll be okay. for so long now, i've always worried about not performing up to someone's standards, but now, it doesn't seem so important. if i did SOME good, it's better than none. if i made one person smile, it's better than making ten cry. if i made one valiant successful attempt despite my 70 mistakes, i'll take it. i'm not perfect, and someone will always find some sort of fault in me. that's okay. i'd rather they criticize me, then let me live my life in total ignorance.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

i just "get it" now.

.rainbow connection.

should it even phase me that my church has decided that the motif this year is the rainbow, and that there are hella rainbow flags hanging and colored cloths emanating from the crucifix? i'm not saying, i just saying. i walked in on sunday and all i could say was, "ohhh." then i looked around and thought in my head, "can i be the only one that sees any kind of humor in this?" it's times like this i wish my sister was around so we could look at each other and try not to burst into a fit of laughter, because i know she would know what i was thinking at that exact moment. like, where there just a bunch of older ladies sitting there ruminating ideas and one of them had the bright idea to decorate with rainbows? did she even KNOW what she was getting herself into? let me just for the record state that i am NOT a bigot, and i am not attacking any group of any sort. i am just saying that the church was more fabulously festive then i think they meant it to be. okay, that's all i'm saying before i get myself in trouble.