.survial.

so i survived this week. i think i passed everything, there's just one more grade i'm waiting on. but so far i've passed, which is always a positive to the day. now i just have to bang out this paper, finish a write up and study for pathology. it just never ends. i hate when the female of me gets in the way and makes me do unhealthy things like order a blue coconut slush and large tots from sonic at 10pm at night. so wrong. this was after an evening of sushi. my sodium levels must be INSANE. but nothing else seems as satisfying. i made a huge salad to go with my box of mac and cheese (cuz i was CRAVING it) and did i touch the salad? negatory. yuck. and i should go running today. we'll see if that happens. but yes, i had actually decent sushi last night. it was refreshing. the company was divine. of the group of 5, i was the only OT, so i got to catch up on their PT world, since we only take 3 classes together now.

maybe all this food made me have the bad dreams i had last night. serious. i woke up disturbed, and sad. my brain is a hot mess. i've heard that dreaming is a why to purge all the things your mind doesn't need, well what always trips me up is that people i don't know are in my dreams. like, really, WHO are you?!? thankfully i don't give too much weight to my dreams, but sometimes my mind is just a big tease. maybe it's mad at me because i haven't been in a relationship forever, but that doesn't give it the right to create scenerios with people i have long said goodbye to. anyway.

.playing with fire.

so i was doing some yard work on friday and kneeled down in the grass to pick up something, right on an ant hill. fire ants. omg it was awful. i got attacked around my ankle, on my knee and they crawled up and bit me on my arm and hand as pictured above. itchy and painful. i read up on the symptoms and these bites may not go away for weeks. i still shudder thinking about all those ants.

anyway, no smooth transition here, but happy veteran's day! there was THE hottest guy from the military being interviewed. gah i love a man in uniform.

questions on the brain:
-do guys have meltdowns like girls? like, do guys just cry and cry, or is that a "girl" thing?
-lifealert--ya know, the i've fallen and can't get up system. they have totally updated their look, and can install cameras to monitor the house. if they dectect a burglary they can alert the person who lives there. does that disturb anyone else?
-can you have it all?

.school eve.

i needed at least 5 yummy bites of mango sorbet before i could sit down and type this all out. so you will all be proud to know that i found the make up bag...in the glove compartment. the only thing i'm semi-worried about is the mascara. it's been cooking in there for a while, so i don't necessarily want that close to my eye. eh, it can wait. the sad thing is that my printer power cord is definitely not here. i kinda need it for the forms i should've printed out for orientation. ersh.

in other news, i bought a dresser at tar-jay and it was an awful experience. as the guy is helping me bring the dresser to my car, he starts muttering, "yeah, i wish you would say something in your language." so i promptly turn to him and tell him that i don't know any other language. but does he drop it? well yeah, my dresser. and then he loaded it into the car and then repeated his ignorant phrase again before saying how we wishes he studied chinese because forget spanish. LIVID. he almost ran into the lady getting into the car next to me and as he turns and leaves, i just shake my head. the lady sees me and agrees. "sometimes, all you can do is shake your head." ridiculous ignorant bullsh*t.

i'm super nervous for tomorrow, so please pray for me.
oh, and has anyone seen my black jcrew hoodie? it's missing...again. ugh.

.wrap up.

i'm 17 again, days before leaving for GW. tears, fighting, words of regret. "i can't wait until you leave". i remember how angry i was, how i barely said goodbye when they dropped me off in dc.
now i'm on the cusp of 29, leaving for Florida. tears, silent resentment, words of judgment on my end. "guess you're too busy to celebrate my birthday." why do we prove the corny ass saying that the more things change, the more things stay the same? we float in non overlapping circles. we walk on eggshells, afraid to say how we truly feel. why does it have to be so difficult? why can't i just be happy? why does it hurt so freakin much and have to be all too complicated? with all the affirmation i receive from my peers, it's forgotten in just one glance, one word, and or one inaction or action. if only my heart was like the sand, and the waves would just sweep it clean. gah i'm so freakin emo. it sucks. it really really truly freakin sucks. i cannot put my feelings into a proper language for them to understand. to truly understand and for once, see where i am coming from, that i'm not just some major B, wouldn't that be a great wonder. i give up. i surrender. i am done. i have no idea what is wrong with people this week. call it hormonal, but i feel like people i considered close to me, are so inconsiderate and rude. whatever, i'm not surprised but i just wish i didn't try to keep the faith with you. clean slate, clean heart. start anew tomorrow. last day of work, then mets game with some beautiful friends. gotta embrace the smallest of blessings that come your way, right? right. righttttttt.

.pity party.

hi, my name is cynicism and i live in stace's heart. i provide the mortar for the walls that she builds around my home turf. i am often responsible for the meanest things that come out of her mouth, as is with many actions, as i control her, pulling on the heart strings like a true puppeteer. i often invite my friends disappointment and anger for afternoon tea. we just don't seem to leave stace alone. we shine our faces like it's our job. we give her no peace, because we are squatters, living rent free in a place that is not our home. i whisper words of discouragement in her ear, i tell her not to get her hopes up, and i tell her that she's not worthy of all the wonderful things in the world. not her. i dominate. i rule. i bring her down. "people are not to be trusted", i whisper over and over again.

making my way slowly but surely. i bought ice cream and chocolate chip cookies today to make myself feel better. tomorrow i'm getting a massage at boca. that should be awesome. i hope it helps take the ackies away. but i'm annoyed. i don't want to turn into that bitter mean person who complains all the time. it's a huge battle in my mind and heart. i hope the better part of me wins.

.shady pines.

whether i like it or not, my parents raised me to be independent. i really try not to ask them for too much, but i was annoyed last night when my dad asked me about suspicious charges with verizon and i told him to take care of it. thank goodness he gave me access to his account because i just spent the last 20 minutes on the phone with verizon, but ended up being credited back 50 dollars. hello! he would've just paid it, but he didn't know the situation and how i HATE BLACKBERRY because they wanted to suck another 30 dollars a month just so i could use their service. WHACKNESS! when i switched my phone, they hadn't taken off the data plan. i hate that we are at the mercy of cell phones. they know they can charge whatever they want to, because we will still use their service. sometimes i wish i was brave enough to live without one. really , there are only like 4 people i talk to anyway. that would be such a great experiment. how long could you go without using a cell phone in your daily life? the most for me was 2 weeks when i was in the dominican republic, but that doesn't really count because that's not real daily life. that was a dream away. this was supposed to be an entry about the relationship i have with my parents, but oh well, we'll leave it to my cell phone woes.

oh, and i was passing the park this morning, and as i was watching the little kids play at their summer camp activities, i thought how it was kinda sad that i had no "exceptional skills" to teach children, like singing, dancing, crafting, cooking, musical instruments, sports, etc. just something that i had a passion for doing, that i had kept up for a crazy amount of years. it kinda made me sad, but that's just life. it would've been nice.

current status: i am 6 lectures and 6 labs away from regaining sanity. i am too excited for words.

.shiny toes.

thought it out in my head. okay, head home, pick up a book, change into flip flops and go. i felt immediately better the moment i hit the chair and lifted my damaged neglected feet for hannah to inspect. "oh you not here in loooong time." i know, seriously. and she went to work, as i lost myself to the sound of the jets nourishing my feet. it's not just a "girl" thing, it's not about looking good, but feeling so great. funny how the "little things" make all the difference in the world.

it helps to remember moments like that when you come home after a long day only to receive a letter addressed to me from Gutters, oh i mean Rutgers, stating outstanding citations, and i don't mean outstanding in a good way, but a holy mother of state schools, you owe us some serious dough. i scanned the bottom of the letter and wouldn't you know it, i have two violations for parking in a no permit zone. one on 4/12 and ten days later on 4/22. 35 bones each. okay, i don't remember seeing any tickets on my windshield, and you know what? i REALLY don't remember if i WAS parked on any of the rutgers campuses those days because it was in...2 FREAKIN THOUSAND AND TWO. yup. 2002 and they're sending me a statement dated may 5, 2008. i even went into my xanga to see what i was doing during that time, and i hadn't even started my first entry yet. i was still living in cherry hill, so um, what was i doing there on a FRIDAY AND A MONDAY? (yes, i looked it up). oh believe me, better i let it out now, because some poor underpaid intern is going to hear an EARFUL from me tomorrow. no way. and i'm usually good for paying my debts and dues. i'm gonna be nancy drew on their ass tomorrow and tell them to freakin prove that it was me.

.deezaster.

this has been the week for mucho mishaps to occur. read if you care, but if you don't, you know what to do.

for starters, i don't know if i ever told you the story about the rock that hit the windshield of my pilot while i was on my way to work. well i had to get my windshield replaced after that. that was about 2 months ago. then this past saturday, i was driving papa dukes car, and wouldn't you know it, a rock flew and hit my windshield. enough that it will have to be replaced. it was like final destination because the rock was eye level. if it was a spear or metal pole, i might be dead, and i wouldn't be surprised that these items would be flying around on route 80 because that highway sucks my left one right now.

so mishap number 2, power went out monday night. thank goodness i had agreed to switch my morning shift with my co-worker for his evening on tuesday, because i would've been half an hour late for work. at the same time, because we switched, it took me an hour and half to get to work in rush hour, so wouldn't you know it, i was STILL half an hour late for work. your guess is as good as mine. big G up there probably got a kick out of that one.

mishap 3: tuesday went to take a "short" nap and alarm never went off. i ended up sleeping for 4 hours in the middle of the day. this threw off my whole cycle and i didn't go to sleep at j's house until 3am. when i woke up at 630am, i was super mess.

mishap 4: hump day. had female issues to deal with. so so so tired and tried to make the best of the day by ordering lunch from chili's. got MADD sick from eating the shrimp caesar salad. yeah, there's a lot of telltale signs in the ingredients alone. i left a miserable mess and instead of helping out with interviews, went home.

mishap 5: because i felt crappy, went to sleep early at 9pm. my body didn't know what to do with so many hours to sleep, so i woke up repeatedly from 1am to 5. dragged ass out of bed and when i was about to leave, i noticed a damp spot on my floor. then when i went to pick up my purse, my heart kind of stopped, because the first item i picked out of it was an empty poland springs bottle, which had been half full, well in my case, half empty, because THIS WAS A SHEETY WEEK! tried not to freak out too much, because it was just water, right? SOAKING MY BAG through and through. hope there wasn't anything important in there like...

mishap 6: tried to dry cellphone which was in the bag. shorted out when i plugged it in the car charger. lost all my pictures, videos and ringtones which i had transferred back to the phone from the micro sd card which had not been behaving. i tried not to cry, although, it really really sucked.

mishap 7: went to jersey gardens with jx2 and tried to purchase a new cell phone. because it's a family plan, only the father may purchase. i felt 12 years old, trying to use my mom's credit card in a store. i had to leave the store empty handed and super annoyed.

mishap 8: check voicemail at 430pm from jx2's phone. yup, the hair appointment i thought was scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8am was...THIS morning at 8am. and i was looking so forward to it. at this point, i couldn't deal with life anymore.

good haps: indian food buffet with m/short work week/saw indiana jones with jx2 and fell back in love with the series all over again/MoMa tomorrow and fleet week in the city/pasalubong from jx2.

looking forward to this weekend. i hope it gets better, although right now i'm really afraid to go outside.

.can it lady.

i seriously wanted to b*tch slap this patient at work who decided it was in her best interest to 1. bring her baby to PT and 2. to think her daughter and relatives would be able to pacify cranky baby who was cutting two molars and just needed to be held by mom. it was nauseating to see this stupid heffer working out while her baby wailed her head off in the clinic. seriously? it wasn't cute crying or sniffles, it was WAILING. in the words of my sbff, "mute that *hit". of course i am way too nice to ever confront anyone, so i "ignored" it, just like everyone else in the clinic, but we were all thinking the same thing! i know i shouldn't be so judgmental seeing as i am not a mother. i know that taking care of a child is difficult, but come on now. get off the exercise bike and take care of your kid who is looking for her mom to love her! RI-DICULOUS.

I realized that all souls have more or less the same battles to fight, but no two souls are exactly the same.--St. Therese

so what are your battles? it's really easy for me to think that everyone around me has it so much better. sometimes i think i have it bad, but then i forget that someone always has it worse than me. and when you break it down, i really feel like all struggles seem to stem from one entity alone: love.
souls are born craving love. if they don't receive that amount that they need, all havoc ensues. evil is the absence of love. misery is the result of a miscommunication of love. we need to love a lot in order to make this world a better place to live in.

From the Gospel today: "This I command you: love one another." --Jn 15:17

.surely you jest.

if anyone needs any clarification, life is just awesome, dandy and super. sorry if anyone got the impression otherwise. wouldn't want to air my dirty laundry out like that. so let's talk about the current issues instead of those silly things like my feelings. how about that pregnant husband dude? i was disgusted and mad, but now i realize that SHE is just doing it for the money and publicity. really, she's not a dude. she's just a woman who stopped shaving her pits, let her facial hair grow, lopped off her breasts and started shooting up w/ testosterone. she doesn't even have a pekoy, it's just an oversized sensitive part of her vajayjay. when you put it in THAT context, it's just a masculine biana having a baby. let's just stop giving her the publicity she doesn't deserve. i'm not even going to entertain w/ a picture, because my readers are so much smarter than that. oh and she's having a girl. maybe she'll ask her daughter if she wants to keep her teets or if she wants to have them removed one day just like daddy.

but what IS sicker than sick is this article that was so lovingly forward by the SBFF, about a woman who's having a sexual relationship w/ her father and produced his granddaughter/daughter to him. wouldn't that mean that her mother is her half-sister as well as her mommy? talk about sukafest 2008. that's just up there on the list of foul and unnecessary circumstances. and to top it all off, is a german dude who lost his bid to have germany lift the ban on incest laws because his MENTALLY RETARDED SISTER and him were consenting adults when they entered this affair that produced FOUR children.

are
you
kidding
me.
o_O

the saddest aspect of these hellbound people, is really the children. if the parents want to do their thing, whatever that may be, then fine, do it. but why does one gotta be so selfish as to bring children in this world that will suffer from parental perversion? i hope these "adults" are saving up money. they'll need it later when they start sending their kids to therapy.

so this is my fervent plea for the future of this world: HEY PSYCHO PEOPLE, STOP PROCREATING! stop mixing your effed up genes and entering your creation in the contest for the making the next anti-Jesus. please. just contain your nasty habits and keep the numbers down so we don't have to keep increasing our circle of prayers.