.rock.

so i turned in my sites for fieldwork today. as part of the MOT degree, one has to participate in 2 12 week fieldwork experiences. i submitted a request for a mental health hospital in the bay area of san fran, and the second one for a cancer center in tampa. we'll cross our fingers to find out if i got them. the second one is iffy because someone else is gunning for it. the computer makes the final decision. i really hope i get it. it would be such a nice change of pace from the the disappointments that i've been feeling day in and day out. this semester has been so much of a challenge for me. i know school is hard, but i'm so tired of feeling so dumb. i don't want to be dumb, i'll take even average. even at my fieldwork site, my clinical instructor makes me feel so dumb. it just makes me wanna cry. i know life is hard, i know life can suck, but i just need SOMETHING to make my day go just a little bit easier. sometimes i find myself looking at pictures from back home, because my friends are my rock. they help me to believe in myself, and they believe in me when i have given up on myself, as i do time and time again. i'm so tired of writing mundane entries, i want to write about how awesome life is! i want to write about being so giddy it hurts, that i can't wait to wake up in the morning and tell you all the wonderful things that happened today! why can't i have that? i've been running on E for a while now. i can't seem to find the energy or the strength. i'm just so tired. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of trying to smile and act normal, when i know i'm not normal!
maybe i'm the one who belongs in a mental health hospital. maybe it will help me feel normal. who knows.