.dolly.

taken from : http://www.kgworldbazaar.com/

i was at church this morning, and was thinking of christmas, and how i strongly dislike the season. everything about it, minus the actual birth of Jesus. that's important of course. but yeah, the music, the presents, the lights, the decoration, do NOT send warm fuzzies to my heart.
i confess, i'm a grinch. a full fledged grinch. i'm not proud of it, but at least i'm honest about it. my friends know this about me, and try their best to infuse the spirit in my heart. i love them for embracing me, and being ever so gentle with their approach.

christmas makes me think of my mother, and a story she told me a couple of years ago. my mother grew up in poverty, and it scarred her and broke her. she unfortunately carried that into her married life and it effected how she raised us. she didn't spoil us, because she always wanted us to be grateful for what was given to us, and that we shouldn't ever demand or expect anything in life. one day, when she was 4, she asked my lola for a doll from the market. my lola said no, because there wasn't enough money. but my mother cried and cried and my lola finally said yes to get her to stop crying. so my mother waited excitedly for my lola to come home from the market with her new doll. well, my lola came home from the market, and my mother ran to meet her only to find that...my lola hadn't bought her the doll. 46 years later, she still cried telling me that story. whenever i'm frustrated with her, or think she's just a plain old meanie, i think of this story, and it sets me straight. i know she's a good person deep down inside, but it just isn't easy for her to show it. after all the crap she's been through, i don't blame her. the walls help her cope and continue on.

the thing with all this, is how to see through the pain, to conquer and rise from it. i have awful stressful memories of christmas, but maybe one day i'll be able to heal from them and actually be excited about the 25th of december.

also, the picture you see is what my mother is getting from me for christmas.
if only we could all feel as loved as miss capucine