.bmore.

just got back. too many thoughts, feelings, musings and memories to describe. still so much work to do, for school, for myself. i can do this. i just need to trust that He's got me. i gotta trust that i haven't come this far to just fall apart now. just that thought alone should pacify me, but it doesn't. not yet. need to give it time to seep into my soul and sit tight with my heart.

.bland.

i'm sorry, i just don't have the heart to explain my heart anymore. i don't know if that's what turning 30 or grad school does to you, but i'm so worn down to the point that i probably do need a heart transplant. i was cleaning and found some of my old journals. imagine blogging something 3 years ago and being so dismayed to find that some of what i had written had not changed one bit. it's kinda sad, to not feel the passion of living. i'll get there, it's a step in the right direction to at least acknowledge it. <3
so i guess i'll just update what's going on in everyone else's lives.

today a friend found out the sex of her baby. another posted pictures of her son's third birthday and another posted pictures from her older sister's wedding.
yesterday my friend posted about her engagement over the weekend and my other friend had a baby boy.
the day before a friend got a new puppy.
the day before that my friends got married.

fun stuff.

.new.

today is a new day to be a new person. i'm at this organic vegan cafe and God knows that if i had the luxury, i would eat like this everyday. it makes me feel good to know that i'm putting good food into my body. when i made the decision to stop eating meat, i just felt so much better about it. it's a rarity when i miss it. i will most probably be content never touching it again. i do have a soft spot for seafood though. although some would miss a prime rib, i can't resist a good paella or seafood gumbo. the thought makes me happy inside. who knows, i don't think i'm being a fake, although those strict vegetarians would say otherwise. i don't think i'm superficial, but i wish i had money to buy top quality food. maybe i would feel a lot better, i won't be as tired or cranky or get these headaches i often get. but the money is so seductive and i can't resist a good sale. maybe one day, i'll be the person i've always wanted to be. until then, baby steps and small indulgences will keep me going. <3

.disappointments.

life is not about disappointments, but how you handle them. as creatures of habit, we fall into routines and patterns that we mold in order to feel safe and secure. anything out of that can be scary because of its uncertainty. i've stepped out of my "safe place" more times than i can count, trying not to end up feeling disappointed, trying so hard to hope for the best, trying not to have any expectations of events in my life. i've tried to console my heart after each less than optimal outcome, to dust the feet off and to keep going. and who knows, maybe until the day i die, there will always be something that doesn't go quite right, that breaks my heart yet once again. but again, it's all about the final outcome, that i really did just try my best and that it was all worth it in the end. and something i need to really work on, is this nasty habit of comparing my life to others. why do i do that? it's so pointless and unproductive and only frustrates my spirit. i'm trying so hard to hold onto my dreams, to not be afraid to shoot for them, to believe that they aren't so far out of my grasp. i try to believe that i'm heading in the right direction, that it will bring me peace and joy like i've never known before. i just pray for a chance to find balance in my life. i know it's all worth it, but i wish my heart would listen.

.perseverance.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

there's a million more fabulous quotes i came across when i was double checking my spelling. i found it interesting the word "sever" is in the middle of it which seems so opposite from the meaning of the word. most days in grad school, i am holding on to thin threads, but i am holding on, with hope whispering in my ear to keep going. it's only by my faith in God's grace and providence that i can do this. most days i question whether i'm cut out for this, but i just gotta keep going and remember in my heart and mind that it's never for my greater glory but for His. it may sound cheeky or preachy, but it's how i want to live my life. i just really gotta keep on keeping on. the rewards will come in time, the rest will come in time, the joy will come in time. <3

.somebody.

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

i have simply been obsessed with this song. i probably listen to it everyday, including acoustic covers. i just love so many things about it, and sure, i could use somebody. i've been going through a major withdrawal, so much more this time around then where i was last year. and i think a huge part of it, is that for 18 days straight, i was always with someone, whether i was up in jersey, maryland or puerto rico, and i always knew i was going to wake up with someone in the room or house. it definitely was a big adjustment to have to drive home from orlando to an empty house. it was actually a lot more difficult then i was willing to admit to anyone and hitting this 30 milestone in my life, was a BIG stone that i kinda just stubbed my toe on. just gotta brush it off and keep going.