.who says you can't go home?.

.empire state building.

i'm sure in some way, we are all held in a certain light or esteem. as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a relative, a godmother, employee and student, i am expected to respond in each situation in the appropriate manner. after a harrowing incident with my uncle, and a 14 hour drive home with my parents, i gained a lot of clarity into my life. and i know now, more than ever, that i'll be okay. for so long now, i've always worried about not performing up to someone's standards, but now, it doesn't seem so important. if i did SOME good, it's better than none. if i made one person smile, it's better than making ten cry. if i made one valiant successful attempt despite my 70 mistakes, i'll take it. i'm not perfect, and someone will always find some sort of fault in me. that's okay. i'd rather they criticize me, then let me live my life in total ignorance.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

i just "get it" now.

.trip.

please pray for my parents and me as we drive to chicago tonight to be with my uncle who has a serious illness.

thanks.

.clean up.

i was cleaning and found an old picture of an ex-boyfriend. this was surprising, as our break-up didn't go well and i handed him everything that reminded me of him, pictures included. i guess this one escaped into the archives. i glanced at this picture circa 1998, and although i had every reason to scoff and glare at my ex, instead my eyes wandered to my face. i was actually really happy. it's been said that the more things change, the more things stay the same. i could agree with that, but as i sit here, with only the sound of the keys clicking away, i'm wondering, have i changed? have i stayed the same? on the brink of a new journey as a southerner, i'm currently still the spectator, as i witness friends getting married, friends having babies, friends falling in love...maybe i should fix the order of that, but eh. i do look forward to more fresh and fun updates, not the dragging sound of my heels, not the monotony, but the true happiness in my face to return, and not just the mask that i wear oh so well. yes, i will be that corny ass girl, blogging every second about her freakin awesome boyfriend, about their fun adventures and how class was so freakin hard, but her freakin awesome boyfriend took her out to dinner because he knew she was having a freakin hard day. yeah, watch out world, get your suka buckets ready. yeah.

.rainbow connection.

should it even phase me that my church has decided that the motif this year is the rainbow, and that there are hella rainbow flags hanging and colored cloths emanating from the crucifix? i'm not saying, i just saying. i walked in on sunday and all i could say was, "ohhh." then i looked around and thought in my head, "can i be the only one that sees any kind of humor in this?" it's times like this i wish my sister was around so we could look at each other and try not to burst into a fit of laughter, because i know she would know what i was thinking at that exact moment. like, where there just a bunch of older ladies sitting there ruminating ideas and one of them had the bright idea to decorate with rainbows? did she even KNOW what she was getting herself into? let me just for the record state that i am NOT a bigot, and i am not attacking any group of any sort. i am just saying that the church was more fabulously festive then i think they meant it to be. okay, that's all i'm saying before i get myself in trouble.

.bannies.

my mom never made me an Easter basket. I don't think she understood the concept. I myself don't quite understand either, and would love for someone to explain it to me fully one day. so if i have it somehow right, the easter bunny hides a basket full of candy and you're supposed to find it on easter? i have never looked nor found a basket full of candy, and if i had it wrong for 28 years, then i'm going to need to go back to my old house and demand 8 years of unhunted easter basket hunts. we did do the egg hunt, that much i remember. and we had a basket that you put the eggs in. then my mom would get mad because i never ate the egg yolk. the consistency of the yolk of a hard boiled egg is the grossest thing imaginable in my mind. it's one of the few non-meat items that i refuse to consume. it's chalky and it ruins most great egg salads and i don't care if there are starving people in the world, they can come to my house and have my uneaten egg yolks and consequently suffer high cholesterol. let's just also take a moment to mention that my house currently smells like fried fish and having a room above the kitchen sucks, as my clothes somehow bear the odor of the chosen cuisine for the day. but i digress. no chocolate bunnies, no jelly beans, no plastic eggs with jelly beans, no peeps, no chocolate gold coins, none of that, unless given as gifts from the ginormous white population around us. no, filipinos don't get down that way, they are the ones that you see on the news reports, getting flogged, or nailing themselves to crosses. yeah, the hardcore ones that reenact the Passion, and don't encourage watching tv or listening to music from Good Friday till Sunday. But then how could I watch the Ten Commandments? I'm just saying. Happy Easter. Back to eating seafood, cursing up a storm and wasting time on myspace!

.sit around saturday.

.M givin me a wet willy at the pub in North Brunswick, NJ.

so this is sadly how we would spend our holy saturday nights each year, when M would visit for the holidays. not that we weren't being respectful, it was just really convenient because people would be home for easter. just wanted to establish that. anyway.