.removed.

what keeps us going day to day? what drives us to persevere? what causes us to say yes to another day? sometimes, i honestly just want to veto the day and sleep it into tomorrow. but i know that i can't do that, as tempting as it seems. unfortunately, i have to push through and hope that the shoes won't be too heavy. and some days, all it takes is a smile, a simple compliment, a text, a call or an email to make it worthwhile. i want to prove to myself each day i wake up that i can do it. i need to do this.

.happiness.

.breakfast of greatness.

i woke up after 7 hours of sleep and decided that i needed to get this party of this day started quickly, right? so i went back to the arduous process of organizing my closet, folding this and ironing that piece of clothing. then i studied the muscles of the shoulder and arm. i have confirmed that most of my best learning is when i associated words to profanity or vulgarity. for instance, the Flexor Carpi Ulnaris muscle is FCU in my head. the FU rings loud and clear because that's how i feel about it. there's another one, in relating where the radial nerves are and where the ulnar nerves are. RU--RAH RAH. so i had enough of studying and folding and decided i needed to eat breakfast.

still a bit pouty about missing m's bach party, i needed something to comfort me. what you have is the beautiful picture above. garlic brown rice, two eggs over easy, sardines and tomatoes in vinegar with with hot pepper seeds. the garnishing is kalamansi which i took from the tree in the back. i was so happy about this breakfast, wondering exactly why though. then i came across a realization, that filipinos are generally happy people because they start their day out with bombnass breakfasts. think about it. especially in the philippines, a lot of people have maids, and these maids start the day MADD early. then you wake up to the smell of foods like spam, eggs, fresh cooked rice, fish and whatever goodies they have decided should be part of your balanced breakfast, all prepared and laid out for you. then after having a seriously delicious meal, they start their day. that's just the beginning of the day! no wonder they're so happy! filipino culture cannot be what it is without food. food not only nourishes us, but it defines people and relationships. i spent more time with my mother in the kitchen, being forced to learned how to cook "properly". this was in her mind, "quality time". my mother lives to cook for my father. she spends the most energy and time on this, in planning, shopping, preparing and cooking these meals. filipinos are so hung up on food, that they will pack food and/or drinks wherever they are going. with every road trip i went on, i always heard, "hoy. pack the cooler." filipinos are no joke. staying at a residence inn is their ultimate dream. but if there is no kitchen, no worries. you can heat and make anything in the rice cooker. whip out the foreman grill and heat up some spam. it's a crazy obsession, those filipinos and their food.

and i love love love food.

.bites and blows.

first news of the day was find out that i was 2 points away from required minimum for medical terminology exam now have to retake it. unreported anatomy quiz grade suspecting some sort of error with my scantron sheet, and a not so hot grade on my physiology exam. then when i walked out of school at 5, it started pouring.

it was not a great day at all, until a friend on a business trip trekked the 2 hours to see me and allowed me to drown in my sorrows with sangria at a cuban restaurant that was not so great. i miss good food. i'm sorry i'm a food snob, but my standards are high. i haven't found anything to rave about yet.

tomorrow's always a new day.

.KIT.

keep in touch. for sure. isn't that why i inhabit this lovely part of cyberspace? well anyway, i'm starting to feel pressure to join facadebook. i figured that the space they said was mine was good enough, but honestly, it takes hella long to load up. i have no idea why, as if there are too many graphics on my page and i'using a 14K modem. oh man, remember those days? waiting an hour to download a wav file of some kai song and hoping that your parents wouldn't interrupt the dial up connection? those kids today, they're so spoiled! they just don't know how good they have it.

but what do i need to keep people up to date with? what could possibly interest
anyone that much about my life? i wake up, pee, wash my hands, shower or don't, change, eat, go to school, go home, study, eat, watch tv, blog, waste time on the internet, text, study, talk to peoples on the phone, floss, brush the teeth, gargle with vanilla mint listerine, change and call it a night.

not much there folks. i have saved the drama for my mama. so that's essentially in a nutshell why i don't need a book account so people can see how much i check them out or whatever it is that i hear you do on that page. i'm not sure if i'm getting at a point per se. i'm just rationalizing it all out. i dunno, i don't care if people know what's going on or not. not like i care either. oh wow, 87642 pictures i missed of your getaway to ::insert vacation spot here with people other than myself::. i'm not saying, i'm just saying. anyway, i'm a hater and i shouldn't knock it till i try it, but for the present moment, no tanks! i will have to be kept in the dark, and i'm okay w/ that.

the one thing i am really happy i never got rid of, is my xanga page. all the entries are private, but one day when i am SUPER bored, i will painstakenly transfer them over here. dated back to 2002, it has helped me figure out when things happen, and actually helped when i had to list my past 7 years of residence for my background check for school. oh that was a major beech. they charged me 12 dollars extra for multiple places of residence.

xanga excerpts from the past 6 years:

Sunday, September 23, 2007 .drip drip drip.
last week i had to go to quest to do a drug test for my new job at ***. so i walk in at 8:30am, completely forgetting that the whole test consists of me peeing in a cup. so i'm TRYING to pee, and it's not enough. so she has me drink water, and after 40 small cups, i'm just full and i cannot pee for a million dollars.

Monday, September 25, 2006 .oh canada.
so i'm a little wired, i've had 4 cups of coffee and i'm trying to flush this pansy accent that somehow infiltrated its way into my jersey steez. freakin canadians, now i sound so apologetic when i talk, like a sing songy. finally back home after a 2 hour delay. another wedding down, 2 more for the year to go. survived the weekend in toronto.

Thursday, September 22, 2005
if you had to step onto a new path, how would you go about it?
a. look for a job where you think you'll go to school
b. look for a job where you think you'd like to live
c. move to where you'd like to go to school and find a job there
d. take the job even though it's not where you want to live or want to pursue schooling, but you figure it's just a stepping stone
e. find a sugar daddy and retire.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
[Blow]
<--what a neat effect. i always wanted to know what i would look like as a cartoon.
[Grinder] Subbing has been fun. i really like my schedule as well as the teachers and the learning disability classes. i don't think i would accept it on a permanent basis. i don't know. maybe i'm afraid to commit.
[Archive] Funny what you write a year ago, even two years ago. Sometimes things don't change as much as you think they do. <-- I'll say!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 LETTER FROM GOD TO WOMEN
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.

Monday, September 23, 2002
everyone now. repeat after me:

i am beautiful.
i am a good person.
God only gives me what I can handle.
God loves me more than i'll ever know.
now take a deep breath.
repeat.
good. don't you feel better now?

.13 going on 30.

i've actually never watched the whole thing. the other day, i caught the end of the movie, and i was left wondering: what is it like to meet the love of your life when you're 13? it just brought me back to my own "childhood". i was an awkward ugly duckling who slowly shed herself of the glasses, braces, overgrown eyebrows and shyness by sophomore year of high school. i had my first kiss at 16, and of course at 29 i think that that is so young, but back then, i thought, "wow, there must be something wrong with me." throughout high school and college, i barely dated. i "missed out" on homecoming dances, football games, library study sessions, study dates, walking around monuments, and just being carefree and young in love. my outlet was writing. i poured all my thoughts out in journals, writing about life, people, faith, and love. conceptual, idealistic, confusing, and intangible aspects of love. in some ways i still do that. i'm still in wonder about it all, this foreign concept that's still dear to my heart. but that's life. we're called to be witnesses to different aspects of it, and the whole relationship arena was never a strong suit of mine. i guess we'll just have to see, right? i look forward to sharing more aspects of my life with you, as i continue on in my journey here in st. augustine. what i would do to transport you all here.

.sick for...

.plate at the lightner museum.

at the cathedral this morning, i couldn't stop crying. i wasn't sad per se, but it was just one solid notion that hit me: i wanted to hug someone. i'm not talking in a romantic sense, but in the most basic of senses. i miss hugging a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a godson, a goddaughter, a tita, tito, kuya, ate and a friend. i miss basic affection. i miss giving lola sniffs, and tickles. i miss asking my den to give me a dora kiss, a yo gabba gabba kiss, a transformers kiss, a sponge bob kiss, a sesame street kiss a soft kiss, a loud kiss and a silly kiss. i miss squeezing onto one bed with the girls and talking lazily in bed about nothing and everything. i miss watching tv, haphazardly resting on someone's shoulder. as a former massage therapist, i've relied and in some ways, taken for granted, the act of touch. to go from that to solitude, is a very harsh adjustment. this is true loneliness. this is what kills nursing home residents, patients in long term care hospitals, and singles who go day in and day out without basic touch. thank goodness for faith. thank goodness for trips home. thank goodness for visitors. thank goodness for prayers.