.crunch.

okay so this was my kitchen floor yesterday morning when i was stumbling around at 6am to get some last minute studying in before my physiology final. some kashi cereal fell on the floor when i went to pour it, and normally i would throw a profanity out and immediately clean it, but at 6am, i stared at the floor and shrugged my shoulders and walked away. it was so liberating! it was so...sleeping with the enemy redeeming where she leaves the towels uneven. it wasn't going to hurt anyone, so i just left it. it was awesome. i don't think it was an "accident" per se, but a sign of needing to let the hair down a little bit more.

i really hope i passed anatomy. i don't know what i will do if i didn't. i'll find out tomorrow i think.

it's the only thing i really want for christmas.

.stretch.

review today and 3 finals next week and then i'm back in jersey. i can't believe it, even as i type it. it was a very bumpy road, and i hope it goes a lot smoother next semester. i feel that as much as i've changed since i've gotten down here, i'm still the same in many ways. unable to sleep last night, i came across my journal which has entries from last year in it. i flipped to 12/10/07 and was surprised to see that the exact thoughts that were in my head were right there on the paper. incredibly sad. i apparently don't know how to move on. i'm ready for this semester to be over, and to see my friends back home, but i don't want to go "home". i'm trying not to dread it.

.searching.

do you ever feel restless, like your heart is searching for something but you don't know what it is? i think that's why the internet can be so dangerous. there are times i just sit in front of the computer like some answer is going to just going to pop out at me. what is it? there's something nagging at my heart. maybe i'm overwhelmed with studying and i'm looking for a break, maybe i'm mentally looking for something to distract me and calm my nerves. maybe i'm looking for something to bring me a new sense of peace or happiness. being impatient or restless may be a sign i should shut everything down. walk away. find my peace within. yes. i will do that.

Martin: I guess old feelings die hard
Samantha: They don't die they just fade, and then you feel guilty that they faded as you wonder what they meant when you had them.

.fruit.

my beautiful friend nicole had baby number 2 on thursday. i kind of teared up reading and looking at the pictures because i miss her so much and i want so much to be there with her. and i'm so happy for her and she truly glows in her pictures. she's definitely one of my friends that grows more and more beautiful each day. she's also an amazing mother, and it's because she told me one day that she loves being a mother. i think that's really important. if you love what you do, it shows through your actions. some just weren't "made" to be parents, but we're all different and unique, called to serve in many ways. while i was reading her blog, i came across a link she posted for baby gifts. i thought, wow, cute...and then i looked at the owner, and wouldn't you know it, it's nicole's sister-in-law, who i also went to college with. amazing. i love when i stumble across stories of people who are doing what they love. it inspires me to keep on searching for what i love to do and to somehow con someone into paying me to do it. more than anything, it inspires me to keep molding my life into something worth reporting on. although my life feels like it's on hold while i get the school on, there's still much to do. there's so much i still need to live.

catholics have a part of their faith that believes in a purgatory, a prep station so to speak before being able to enter heaven. it's there that any impurities of our bodies are purified by fire. it's there that souls ask for prayers from the living because they cannot pray for themselves to be released. so in a way, we agree to pay their debt. each time you suffer, think of offering it up for someone who cannot speak for themselves. offer it as payment in love. then it doesn't seem so bad.
i'm not trying to push my beliefs on anyone either, i just love sharing my faith. regardless of what you believe, the one truth that ever exists is love. we need to love one another more, and let it spread like wildfire. in which do you gain more? when you love someone who already knows how to love, or when you kill someone with love, breaking down their walls and fears?

we need to keep the love alive.

.merit.

I'm not relying on my own merits, as I have none, but I put my hope in Him who is goodness and holiness Himself.

St. Therese of Lisieux

it's coming down to the homestretch. final tomorrow, 2 practicals next week and then 3 final exams the week of the 14th. it's coming too fast. i'm in somewhat of an awe that i've survived thus far though. soon enough, i will be back freezing my assets off in the land of jersey and probably gaining insulation to keep my body warm. that and catching up with people usually involves some sort of decadence of diner food and coffee. mmm, diner food...i can't wait. i have a grilled cheese and tomato on rye with waffle fries with my name on it at the rio diner. mmm, indian food in edison, thai food woodbridge, chinese food in chinatown, vietnamese food in jersey city, sushi at u-yees, chocolate macademia nut coffeee from wawa's....oh i am tre excited.

oh yeah, and i'm excited to see everyone again. really, i am...

.faith.

dear Love,

i'm sorry for the loss you suffered today. i'm sorry for the newest addition to the countless numbers that don't believe in you anymore, that have watched as you were mercilessly beaten into an unrecognizable pulp. i'm sorry for your deep wounds, for the games you were forced to play, for the complexity you were drawn into. i'm sorry Love. i'm sorry for the fear that keeps people from knowing the real you, the pure unadulterated version of you. i'm sorry for the self-serving millions out there that use you for their own selfish means and destroy people in the process. if everyone believed in you, this world would be a different place. we would give you first dibs on everything. we would act only in accordance with your lead. we would ensure that you were well taken care of, that everyone had a chance to know you, to invite you into their homes. Love, i may not know the real you, but i hope to know you more and more, and to see you everywhere i go, within every person i encounter. i'm not ready to give up on you, and i hope you don't give up on me.