.small.

i'm kept itty bitty, the moment i even think i'm anything greater, He puts me back in my place. it keeps me so grateful for every blessing He gives me, the meaning behind each means so much more. i've continued to struggle academically through my master's program, and really, i am used to feeling behind and insignificant to my peers, but i really did let myself down through my recent performance on an exam. maybe i was just so overconfident with it, but really, i didn't think i would do as poorly as i did. it just makes me feel so dumb and screw what anyone else would ever say about me, but i care about what this means to doing well overall, that i will be a good therapist some day. i wish there was some way to translate how much i care about people into these exams. sometimes, i'm just so tired of it all and i'm ready to walk away. i'm just not convinced that this is all worth it. but i go through it, feeling often alone, feeling often overlooked. just an itty bitty speck in this world, nothing more. so i'll keep going, and hoepfully i'll have that chance to rest and be able to enjoy it all for once. <3

.yucky.

it's a yucky week full of projects and tests, so what better way to procrastinate then to blog! i was flipping through the channels and not studying for my gerontology test and came across sugarland performing on abc. i'm not a fan, but i had caught a part of them being interviewed on oprah. something that caught my ear was when jennifer nettles told oprah, she couldn't believe she got paid for what she did. when i saw her performing tonight, i could see the passion excude from her, and i thought, "wow, that's love". that's just awesome. i caught up with an old friend and we just talked for hours on end, and at one point, she said, "you're going to make a great OT". it was a really affirming message. i heard it right when i needed to hear it.

i think that's what's so wonderful about having a faith, we're taught that there are no coincidences in the world, that when you're meant to hear something, see something, encounter something, it all comes together.

<3

.scrambled.

yesterday was a pretty productive day. i decided to mail my mom some calamansi from the tree that grows in my backyard, did some school work then went to confession then outlet shopping. my best finds were at jcrew, which had an additional 30% off their clearance items. i scored two shirts and a pair of shorts for 30 dollars! then i was in a cooking kind of mood and made mushroom asparagus risotto. it was pretty yummers, and then around 10pm, decided i wanted to make sugar coated pecans. the recipe calls for 2 egg whites, and everything was going swimingly until the second egg yolk broke as i was separating it. so not having another options, i made myself a scrambled egg and cheese sandwich at yes, after 10pm. i don't know if that did it, but i had a MAJOR stomach ache last night, the kind that makes you wonder what spawn of evil was born in your abdomen. my quickest remedy i always turn to is a teaspoon of baking soda in water. it is SHA-NASTY to drink but it really does ease the stomach with a quickness. i spent the rest of the night taking frequent trips to the bathroom and a less than optimal sleep intermittent with bad dreams. so a word to the wise, if you're gonna make sugar coated pecans, either be really good at separating your egg whites, or don't make it at 10pm at night.
happy sunday =)

.pieces.

so i got confirmed for my two internship sites next year! i'll be at a cancer center in tampa from february to may 2010 and a pediatric outpatient clinic in lakeland (in b/t tampa and orlando) may to august then graduation! i can't even start to believe it. i've been praying a lot about where God wants me to be, and i hope that this is it. i have been questioning myself a lot lately, and wondering if i'm not living my life to its fullest, or the way that God wants me to live it. i don't think i'm a bad person, but i know i could be a better person. i could be more forgiving, more generous, more flexible, and more trusting. i struggle a lot with trying to be content and roll with the punches instead of being angry and bitter. i need to believe that life isn't passing me by, that there is still so much to experience and be blessed with. gotta be patient, know that as many times as i'm transplanted to a new place, i want to do my best. <3

.blessings.

i don't often get to blog about how awesome things go down, so i definitely wanted to record this as a very good day, and that things are meant to happen one way or another. for some time now, my classmates and i have been attempting to lock down our internship sites for next year. we list down our top 10 places for IIA, then top ten places for IIB. if no one puts the same place as you for your number one choice, then you automatically get that place. if more than one person puts the same place, the computer "randomly" chooses. i got my IIA site at a mental health hospital in california automatically because no one else chose it. but then i had a 50/50 chance of getting my site at the cancer center in tampa b/c someone else had chosen it as their number spot as well. she ended up getting it, and i went to my number two listed site which was a hospital in st. petersburg. so i thought, well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, maybe i was meant to go to this hospital instead. but the cancer center was still on my mind, and so i went in to the clinical education office and forfeited my site in cali so i could go to the cancer center. so if you're still with me, this means that i had cancer center in tampa for IIA and hospital in st. petersburg for IIB. well a week ago, i got an email and a note saying that the hospital in st. petersburg had canceled my site, and would i like to choose my number THREE site or did i need to set up an appointment? we set it up for today and that was that.

timing is everything. i had scheduled a locksmith to make a key for my landlord's car and we had agreed he would stop by any time b/t 10-11 today. well as 1130 rolled around, i started to get a little nervous thinking that maybe i screwed up all my appointment times. i left a message over at the clin ed office and she called me back at 1150 telling me we were scheduled to meet at 12. oops. all good, we pushed it to 115 so she could get lunch. the locksmith finally showed up at 12. yeah. i dunno but that was done and when i got to the clin ed office, it was like, okay, let's get this show on the road. i had narrowed down my options to another hospital in st. petersburg and a peds place in bradenton. i asked her more about the hospital, but was dismayed to learn that it was offering outpatient and hands, both of which i had NO desire to shadow in. upon asking about the peds place, she had told me it was taken...by the girl who had gotten the cancer center spot for IIB! it seems they had canceled her but taken me! so it was a true blessing in disguise! if things had happened the way i wanted them to, i would've been canceled out of that spot! so my fieldwork coordinator started searching for more peds sites or places that would offer peds in combo with other populations. then she stopped and said, oh, how bout this pediatrics place in lakeland which is in south orlando? i didn't remember seeing it on our list, and she went searching for the paperwork after realizing it wasn't filed in our master list. after some detective work, she found the paperwork. it hadn't been filed b/c it had just came in. i was blown away. talk about timing! she said that it's a good thing i came in when i did, otherwise, we might not have considered this place!

the rest of the day was just a wowers. i had inadvertantly traded in my ethernet cable for my wireless router instead of just securing a new one from comcast. i went in and explained my situation and they were able to find it and return it back to me, and then i was able to finally fix my wireless router to my computer.

i just felt like, wow, so many great things have fallen in place today and i just felt really happy, which i haven't felt in a really long time, and i feel blessed i get to share that with you.

please pray i get confirmed for that lakeland site, or you'll soon be seeing a blog about how i went about trying to find yet another site to take me!

.thirty.

my best friend turned 30 yesterday and we celebrated by talking for about 5 minutes until she decided to hunt down a smoothie. i never imagined it would be like that, then again, i never imagined me calling her from florida and she answering the phone from her purchased home in pennsylvania. 30. i've known her for over 29 years now. yes, i am dreading it so much i decided to leave the country and celebrate in puerto rico. that and attend a wedding. okay, so i'm going to PR for the wedding, not my birthday which happens to be the day of the wedding. so luckily i will be distracted, and hopefully enough that the 30 won't sting so much whenever i have to declare it. 30. i feel it already, the senses are going, the joints are creaky and the muscles are sore. babysteps to acceptance, i'm getting there. i'm trying to be okay with this journey, trying to unload bags of regret and bitterness so that i'll feel lighter. speaking of which, i thought i was doing well with the working out thing until i weighed myself at the gym and had gained 4 pounds. not so good. anywayyyy, this is my post for july. i will try my best to be grateful for just another day to live instead of mourning the steadily increasing numbers. i will try.