.hill.

so i skipped sculpting and abs and felt super guilty about it, so i will definitely have to make up for it tomorrow during zumba. and just so i wouldn't feel so bad about skipping, i organized the spare bedroom into an office and made sure i loaded the dishwasher. so yay, i'm typing this from my desk and new office chair i assembled from staples. i just need to buy a desk lamp and maybe put up some shelves or bring in a plant to liven up this room a bit. i have no eye for interior design. i am every HGTV's dream, because i would leave it up to the people to just do it. i've been trying to find some inspiration, on a more economical side. i have found that i am a natural-pottery barn-french country shabby chic style. i am more a fan of the wood then of glass and metal. things can look good, but they have to be really comfy! i think it's interesting to see how my friends have decorated their abodes. i love seeing their personalities come out in their homes.

funny enough, just organizing this room and clearing some "work space" has made me more motivated to sit and study. it's nice to feel somewhat organized. i just need to steer clear of computer distractions, like blogging. haha...but it's different! anyway, i just wanted to report on the happenins. it's not much like the exciting lives of my friends and loved ones, but oh well. it's something.

daily mass at 7am. <3

.sweet.

i just lost my whole post, and it's kind of funny because it had to do with being happy and a lot of questions on the brain. maybe it wasn't meant to be posted, but oh well. maybe if i'm in the mood later, i will retype it. one of the things i was thinking about was how much as of late, i realize how nostalgic i am. i long for situations and people that made me feel at peace, and really happy. i should really follow my own advice and try to make each day better, but sometimes it's just really hard. i've stumbled a lot on this path, but i'll get there. =*

.indeed.

i recently had an exchange with a "friend" that upset my sensitive soul and had me wondering about the type of friend that i am. i randomly texted her and asked forgiveness for not being able to meet up while i was back home in jersey, and honestly, it was a really nice text where i tried to affirm her, that even though i didn't see her, she was still special to me. well i got a not so nice text back where it seemed like she tried to make me feel bad. seriously, what is that? what kind of friend is that? and if you had such a problem with me, then why didn't you approach me about it sooner? i've made my own mistakes in friendship, but the ones that have stayed in my life, God knows that we've learned from each other how to be better people. isn't that what friendship is about? friendship is about lifting each other up, not stomping them to the ground and making them feel like failures for not bending over backwards for them. friendship is character building and unconditional love. that's why some friendships last and some don't. if there is no growth to be had, then the friendship falls away. it's like going through your phone and deleting entries because you really can't remember the last time you talked to that person, and even if you were to call them, would you have anything to talk about? some people just aren't "forever friends", and i need to accept that too, for people that i am no longer close to. maybe my purpose in their life has been fulfilled and they now have other people to minister to them in a capacity that i cannot. and i can't take that personally, that's how life rolls along. i need to trust that God will bring the people i need into my life and that i will take good care of them as well.

not only is january 2009 a time to make resolutions for the whole year, more than ever, i have realized that every day is an opportunity to become a better person, to recognize one's own flaws and faults and improve on them. i may get it wrong every single day, but i need to at least acknowledge if i had tried to get it right.

it's about hope for humanity. there are some really good people out there. we need to give them a bit more credit.

happy birthday MLK. thanks for the lessons.

.blueprint.

culturally i've been brought up to help people in need. that was drilled into my head by parental figures who have/had health care backgrounds. help others before you help yourself, and put yourself last. parents can be funny, they want so much the best for their child, but then put them on a path rather than letting them journey the one that God created for them. they put them on the safe, secure and standard way because that's what a parent is supposed to do, protect, care and nourish their child. but there is a fine line between guiding and steering a child. when the parent finally lets go, sometimes a child feels lost because they've been told what to do from the very beginning, or the path that they were meant to take is now strewn too heavily with weeds and debris. it's a true blessing when a child becomes a mature individual who dusts off their internal compass and starts to listen to their Maker's voice and not their parents'. i am slowly getting there and again, God is just awesome because He knows how us humans screw up all the time, so i feel like although He has a blueprint and a path for us, there's always more than one way to get there. for me, i've taken the very long journey. when i was little, i wanted to be a doctor because i wanted to help people. i remember being so excited to be old enough to volunteer at the hospital, and i couldn't wait to dedicate my life to becoming a missionary and doing social work and volunteering all around the world. this was free of any influence, this is what sang true in my heart. well as you can imagine, this was not acceptable to my parents who had worked so hard to provide a "better" life for my siblings and me, and they expected me to pursue a career and dream that would lend itself to stability and financial independence. my father told me that i wasn't wrong to have the dreams i had, but i needed to do something that would be able to put food on the table, then i could do what i wanted to do. again, understandable. and it had to be convenient. i was only allowed to volunteer at the church, because it was closeby and i could walk if i needed to. the hospital was too inconvenient for someone to drive me to. so rather than be angry about it, i learned that it just wasn't meant to be.

as you can imagine, i struggled with my dreams versus reality and now have found a happy medium. i know that as an OT i will be able to serve the needs of many people and help them become more independent in a world that doesn't always nurture them. and as long as i can gain my financial indpendence from my parents, then will i be truly able to follow through with my dreams and God's plan for my life. that's the only thing that matters to me, is making Him happy. i can forgo things of this world, if only to gain more love from Him. honestly. i know then will the joy return to my own heart.

.zumba.

i went to my first class yesterday and it was awesome! i would recommend it for anyone that's looking to work out and learn some dance moves. we did the tango, cha-cha, salsa, indian banghra dancing, the jive and some other really fun stuff while getting our asses owned by the instructor. she can really shake it! i looked the fool up there but tried my best to keep up. then i had to cut out of the class early so i could make it to class on time.

i got my one of my 2 fieldwork assignments, and i'll be driving to gainesville every friday starting in february. not fun to drive 2 hours, but will be excited to work in the mental health area. i still don't know where i'm going for the 2nd one, but i pray it's an awesome site. we've been pretty jipped this semester in terms of opportunities to shadow what we want to do.

i was on xanga randomly last night and as i was reading through old entries, i wondered at where that "fun" stace went. i guess we all have to grow up sometime.

.keeping.

so i went to kickboxing on wednesday then ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill thursday. i need to keep on keeping on because i have made enough excuses and i am a poor role model to my future patients. i'm actually trying to watch the rest of this phoenix denver game which went into overtime. i really don't follow it like i used to, and had a very interesting conversation with a dear friend about fantasy sport leagues and how they have caused the demise of team loyalty. i miss watching sports with a sig fig. stupid memories.

thoughts on the brain:
is there a protocol for when you drive next to or are stopped at a light next to a car with the same make model and color as your car? i was in that awkward situation today. it made me feel like i showed up to a party with the same dress on.

what does it mean if you don't feel settled? am i doomed to have no permanence in anything?