.expectations.

sometimes i wonder, is it better to live a life always hoping for the best, or to be realistic and not set yourself up for disaster? i only ask this because i feel like i get myself into situations in which i think, "oh stace, how did you even end up here in the first place?" sometimes i feel like i walk into the line of the fire, and really, why do i do that? well i ask these questions, but in a sense, i pretty much already know the answer. isn't that funny that the things that affect the heart seem to be things you already know about but just aren't willing to accept? i do it because i'm hoping for a different outcome. i do it because i keep thinking that i'm doing something wrong in the first place, and if i want my life to be different, then don't i have to change how i approach things?

why is my life perpetually penciled in? i'm just always ready to fix it again. maddening, but i guess that's what learning is all about. <3

.last.

okay, my last distraction and then time to sleep. sometimes i simply marvel at where i am in my life and who's been and is in it. one of the hardest parts for me is to let go of my past, and to see it as a learning experience and to know that brighter days are ahead. sometimes on especially silent days days of solitude, i can't help but compare it to the countless days it was like that growing up. not really the best memories and i felt so unloved by God. but now i'm able to realize that God has been so good to me by giving me quality and not quantity in my friendships to help make up for being somewhat friendless until i got to high school. it's amazing how alone i felt, and it still makes me kind of sad thinking about it. i'm glad those days are over, and i don't have to worry about those days anymore, that if i ever feel down, i have a really really good group of friends i can turn to. i'm not trying to turn this into a pity party, i think i just want to acknowledge it, get over it, and move on. and not just that, but really appreciate what i have now, to know that i was never promised anything or guaranteed anything. it is i who owe everything in this life to Him. i just want to make Him really proud of me. when i start to feel slighted in this world, lonely, unwanted, forgotten and abandoned, i take a step back. i check myself and get my head straight back on that path. <3
one more final!

.divine.

it's divine mercy sunday, and today is the feast day of st. faustina. i really like the words "divine" and "mercy". it's powerful when you put the two together, because divine means to come from directly from God and mercy means compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power. it's His divine mercy that shows His compassion on our souls. isn't that awesome? i'm glad to have His compassion especially now with the way i feel, unmotivated, inadequate and frustrated with my level of intelligence. i'm probably not the woman He ever intended for me to be, but i'm thankful for His patience that i can keep trying. i'm thankful for my faith that helps me take each day at a time, because that's all i can really handle most days. i may be snubbed by others, and maybe even looked down, but all that matters is His opinion of me. no one else's. i really do need to remember that. anyway, back to studying, until the next distraction. <3

.procrastination.

okay, i have been giving myself 15 minute increments all morning. "15 minutes and then you'll get up", "15 minutes on fb and then you need to log off", "15 minutes to read blogs and blog", etc...
i am obviously trying to avoid studying for my 3 finals, even though it's crazy vital i do. i'll get there, i just can't believe it's already saturday morning. oh i am so excited that this semester is almost over! emotionally and academically i don't think it was as rough as 1st, but still as intense. i have learned so much about myself by being challenged, humilated, humbled, while being consoled and supported by my peers. i don't feel as alone as i did 1st semester, and i'm glad, because this was starting to become such a lonely road, and i was really questioning whether i had made the right/best decision in pursuing this Master's degree. but i keep trying to look at the big picture, and looking at what i really want to do and where i want to be.

i will soon have to choose internship sites and while i have been able to narrow down the type of populations i want to work with, my eyes have been scanning the whole map. east coast? west coast? home? far far away? familiar? completely foreign? i want to be somewhere i will thrive, and really get the best from my internship experience, but where??? i know, i should be fortunate to even have this dilemma, so i should look at it a bit more positively. we'll just have to see. <3

.customized.

sometimes i wish there were more songs that described my life. i don't seem to relate to many these days. i feel like the genre of love songs is not the promise of finding love, but whether you have it and love to be in love, or you've experienced it and don't like it because you got dang hurt and now you hate the guy. or maybe you hate the guy but you still love the guy and you don't know how to forget about the guy even though you really should because he's an idiot and you can do much better. or something like that. but what i'm getting at, is, are there songs about the promise of love, but that until then, you're still okay? sign me up for that! adele is awesome, but she makes me hurt for her. i hurt enough for myself, ya know? i don't need to rehash old feelings. like, give me a song about reassurance that guys are still nice and they still care, and that there are some really good ones out there, so don't go making your way to the abbey just yet because there might still be a chance for you. wow, maybe if this whole OT stuff doesn't pan out, i can always become a professional songwriter. or haiku poet.

stacy should study
she's procrastinating much
pray for her please, thanks!

.vulnerability.

i had to confess my age to yet another classmate today. most everyone i'm around is in the 22 to 24 age range. luckily they think i am too. sometimes i can't help but be jealous of all the years they still have ahead of them with their impending OT/PT/Dual degrees, while that awful double digit beginning with the number 3 starts to rear its ugly head in my life. i know i know, i wouldn't be where i was had i not gone through the other stuff yadda yadda, but still. i didn't think i would be "that" person i am now. i figured i would find my man during or right after college, spend some time dating while honing the career, then get married and be settled with or without the 2.5 children. by 30. at least that's what happened with a lot of my high school classmates that i caught up with during our 10 year reunion last december. and i seem to be a dying breed among my single girl friends. my wing women have gone up and "nested" with their new loves, while i face the uncertainty of a dating scene that speaks a different language than me, while i fumble with the translation guide.

maybe being typical or boring is starting to become quite okay with me. i'm not interested in being a reckless rockstar, or a free spirited traveler. i think it is just as spectacular to sit in a local coffee shop blogging while helping your husband with the morning crossword. my current place of residence doesn't help either that getting married at 21 is quite normal and my louisiana friend told me that in her hometown, 24 and unmarried is old maid status.

maybe the grass is greener. maybe i need to believe in my self worth without the validation of a man. maybe i need to just be okay with all these feelings and that there is no right or wrong, that there just IS, and it's okay to let people see that vulnerable side of me that cringes when a loved one tries to set me up with a guy, while wondering deep down inside, "maybe it will work out this time."

whatever the case may be, once break starts, i'd actually like to give this all some care and attention. and thanks in advance for being with me through it all. <3